Getting blood this way gave me flu like symptoms for three days. Achy bones and an inability to walk more than maybe a 100 yards.
All this sounds incredibly grim and would be if i had not had the fortune to be able to attend a week long meditation retreat with Shinzen Young a vipassana meditation teacher prima amiga knew many years ago and got me to study with.
Vipassana meditation is learning to observe the mind with both concentration and detachment. All of the pain is observed intently but without clinging.
It is said by this teacher that pain plus clinging equals suffering.
So at the retreat I got to practice with very heavy duty pain both emotionally and physically. Since I was in an environment that had massage therapists and people who followed the methodology I was able to experience the pain in such a way as to learn how to let go of some of the suffering. As well a get outward relief.
I do not seek pain this but take this as an opportunity to learn to deepen my appreciation and joy of life. It is very hard but my abilities are growing commensurately.
Fear arises from the prospects of what this ordeal demands and where it may end but rather than cling to that fear which would merely amplify the pain I am allowing it to arise and pass through. The less I hold to it the less I suffer. The same with anger, loneliness, and a raft of other painful emotions. Even the physical pain can be worked with and I am getting to practice far more than I wish.
All interesting words ,but to what end? In more of my meditations I am reaching what I have been taught to call Nirvana, but I rather like the line from the bible about experiencing the peace that passeth all understanding. By the end of the week I had gone through enough to realize that a deep sense of equanimity is always available . To me and everyone all of the time. It is merely the practice of doing so strengthens my ability.
I have experienced this enough to want to share with more people and am hosting a meditation this Friday conducted by phone by Shinzen on the basics of his system. I will provide the background material and answer simple questions .
What I have talked is the important part of my experience the drugs ,the doctors visits, all of the outward activities I deal with but they are here to help me learn and grow.
Today I feel good and my niece (my close cousins daughter) is arriving and will be here for five weeks while I go through two rounds of chemo.
In November prima amiga will be here for two weeks and we will all be deciding what the next step in this path I need to take.
The side effects of the chemo are beginning to be observed I am losing hair so I will take a picture of what it currently looks like and will have it all cut off probably late this week. Losing hair can cause suffering, I have heard of a woman who refused all treatment for her cancer because of her fear of hair loss.
I have developed much compassion for people in the last few months the common ground of suffering supersedes the mind made differences between us.
