Hair Today Gone Tomorrow and other thoughts

             The effects of chemotherapy are starting to appear. My hair which has grown back since chemotherapy over a year ago is starting to fall out by the handfuls . I can merely run my hand through my hair and some of it comes out . It does not hurt. Grabbing my hair merely results in a every larger amount of hair coming out without effort or pain. 
            I have been bald before and having had many compliments as to the shape of my head , I am going to shave all of the hair off. It will be getting colder soon and I will need to take extra precautions  to stay warm but this is just another step. 
          Last night I attended  a talk at IMCC, the local Vispassana meditation group to meditate and listen to a talk about mudita . ( Moo-de-ta) One of the four immeasurables. So called because they are boundless in their breadth depth and width of spiritual fulfillment. 
          The speaker  took the common translation of the word which is that of sympathetic joy. I personally prefer empathic joy as it seems to be dealing with an equal rather than feeling someone separate from oneself , but this is merely equivocating .
          What I think that the speaker missed in her talk was the differentiation between spiritual and material accomplishments. 
          According to Shinzen Young , the Vipassana  teacher who speaks  many languages among them Pali and Sanskrit ,  the meaning of mudita does not translate easily into English and his attempt was to define it is sharing delight in the spiritual  attainment of others. 
        The speaker used the process of feeling joy in the material and spiritual attainments as an exercise in finding the fulfillment of mudita in the every day world. While I often delight in the material accomplishments of friends and family I take a far greater delight in their spiriitual insights , the satoris , achieving samadhi , learning to become more open to the beauty of the world around them, experiencing freedom from their inner suffering and darkness. Often opening me in the same way.
         The speaker suggested that we start the process of learning muditha by taking joy in our friends and family's successes . Working out to acquaintances and strangers and then to politicians with whom one disagrees and finally to people who are loathsome in their behavior , her example was Bashir Assad, the leader of Syria.
           Many of my friends , acquaintances , and more distantly opposing politicians  have political views with which I disagree and think deleterious to the health of our country and our world, I do not wish them success in their endeavors to convince others in the correctness of their ideas. It would be untruthful and hypocritical of me even to wish them success much less rejoicing in their triumph. That said , they are my friends , acquaintances , and fellow human beings. I can share, without reservation , the joy of spiritual fulfillment that they attain and the fellowship that that brings.
           The extreme example of someone like Assad succeeding in his worldly endeavors would be distressing and I pray that it will not happen.
           I would suggest that the execution of mudita is far easier and I believe more relevant in  having the understanding that if someone has a deep spiritual awakening it becomes  very difficult to impossible for them to continue a destructive mode of existence. 
          An example is the composer of one of the most powerful and for me the most moving of all Christian hymns " Amazing Grace". His name was John Newton and in his career  was as the captain of an African  slave ship. In 1748 during a violent storm he called for God's mercy and became converted. Many years later he wrote the song that has moved millions of people with its beauty and simplicity. He also became a leader in the fight against slavery.
          Not being a Christian I do not wish to labor the point of conversion , but rather reflect to you that this is a powerful example of mudita, that all  who love this hymn are often inspired by and thankful for it. We rejoice and are delighted in sharing its timeless and eternal spiritual awakening.
           It is my belief that such men as Bashir Assad would not be able to continue with  his murderous ways if he found the that type of spiritual awakening and I long for the time when he would experience it and would rejoice mightily as I believe most people would if he gave up his atrocious behavior and followed the divine light of his own being .
             The cynic in me sees little chance of this , but hope is eternal.
          The point of this little essay is to convey what I understand  as the meaning of mudita . Rejoice in the spiritual attainments and fulfillment of all. It truly is  immeasurable .
           The speaker concluded the evening with a ten minute meditation about people with whom we share the concern and caring of their lives and spiritual success and how they in turn care for us and our own spiritual advancement. The numbers of people in my life who fit that category is large and it was humbling and uplifting to realize so important a fact that had escaped my awareness.
         
            

     I am encountering the I don't want to syndrome. I don't want to pay attention to anything I don't want to write this blog. I don't want to be sitting here with a computer on my lap trying to compose words that will adequately convey the meaning of what I am going through.  I dream of being healthy and spending most of my time sitting in meditation with teachers around the world .  Returning to my old life in Phoenix where I could drive to LA or Tucson or Santa Fe for 10 day meditation retreats with some of my favorite teachers or being able to fly to Oahu to be with Ram Dass in December on my birthday or flying to Thailand to spend a couple months with Alan Wallace meditating in Phuket.
     Instead I am stuck to traveling little more than the distance I can drive in a day and having to listen to my mind  come up with  desires .Grasping at that which is  beyond my physical abilities .
      I don't want to hear of the suffering of others , I want my friends lives to be  filled with joy , health, happiness and fulfillment.
        I don't want to hear of a good friend re-injurying  his head after having severe trauma to that same region several years ago.  I don't want to hear of the courage and strength that he is exhibiting through the significant adversity. I do not want to  feel the hopelessness and impotence that I have when all I can offer are a few prayers and good wishes.

      My niece came to visit me last week , she arrived the day after I had chemotherapy, and instead of getting to play the role of host I got to lay in bed for 12 to 16 hours a day and go to the cancer center  for a transfusion of a liter of salt water so that my electrolytes would be in balance and I would not have to endure the intense physical pain of dehydration. That is not what I wanted to do .
       Watching this frustration expand  and contract into my awareness is not what I want to meditate upon.
          I don't want to publish this column but I probably will. I don't have any uplifting insights or revelations about my life right now this is where I am wallowing.
       

       

The new challenges

          It has taken awhile to digest all of the news that I have been given about my condition and the  strategy to deal with it. 
         First the news. My doctors all believe that the radioactive  drug Xofigo , radium 223 di chloride would be of benefit to my health.  However since the were spots on the liver that could be interpreted as cancer the drug company defers to Medicare for payment and the Medicare states that if their is any indications of soft tissue cancer that they will refer to the protocol of the drug company which only had the drug approved for cancer of the bone per  FDA requirements . Meaning if they had never done the CT and MRI  and not had any indication of the possibility of cancer in the soft tissue,  then Medicare would pay for it. So  the financial part of this is that no one is under any obligation to pay for this catch-22.
        My oncologist also believes that since the cancer that I am dealing with is in the marrow more than in the bone that it would not have as salubrious effect as  would be hoped. I am tired from the lack of oxygen being transmitted to my muscles and other organs and this is from a low blood count caused by the marrow not producing enough red blood cells. The radiologist agreed. So the drug will help but is not a cure.
          The drug costs somewhere between $70,000 to $132,000 to administer for all six injections. It is given in coordination with an IV but only  takes a few minutes to administer. The cost as I am learning is something of a state secret . The two estimates are from a NYT's article and the radiologist .  No one that I have spoken to including a very resourceful patient advocate could give me a clearer picture.
         The statistical effect is that it would enhance the length of life approximately four months. Which means anywhere from no effect to several years.
         The doctors were concerned about the difficulty that I would have in dealing with financial situation. What I did was made it clear to them that my health was my first concern and that they should remove from their thoughts anything dealing with the cost. 
          Since bone pain is among the worst of the pains it is my concern that I die without having to deal with  the most severe form of this. Lack of blood just leaves me sleeping for excessive amounts of time and dying in my sleep is not something to be avoided.
         We have then set a plan that will being with the administration of the chemo drug taxotere which I had positive results with previously followed by treatments of Xofigo.
         The next conversation was with my financial advisor who gave me a positive reframe of the situation by pointing out that I am helping to pay for the research into a very promising cure for some cancers and that will be part of the legacy that I can leave to mankind . 
          A threshold was passed in that I was again offered a prescription of Oxycodine and this time I accepted. Having never wanted to become involved with this drug I now have become aware that there are instances when I am not able to cope with some of the intense pain and merely having  available relief  is reassuring. I have not used it yet having discovered some hatha yoga stretches  that relieve cramps quickly and effectively.
          The other bits of news were some estimates. Estimates  as to how long I have to  live. One year if I do nothing and as many 3 or 4 if I pursue  an active path and am lucky.
         Which leads me to my next pursuit. It is that of Phowa , pronounced PO -wa ,a TIbetan meditative exercise  to prepare the dying for death and to be used by the living to remind the dead person that they are no longer in bodies and to open and expand until they dissolve into the substrate consciousness . In the Tibetan tradition it is to await rebirth . I don't know but it feels good and is reassuring.
          It is simple for those who are students of SHinzen Young it is the process of using Nurture Positive mediations to become focused on the zero point and dissolve the  association with the body.  
         I wrote about this on the June 16th version of this years blog. It is the return of the beloved child to home of his loving parents after playing  late into the evening.