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     I am encountering the I don't want to syndrome. I don't want to pay attention to anything I don't want to write this blog. I don't want to be sitting here with a computer on my lap trying to compose words that will adequately convey the meaning of what I am going through.  I dream of being healthy and spending most of my time sitting in meditation with teachers around the world .  Returning to my old life in Phoenix where I could drive to LA or Tucson or Santa Fe for 10 day meditation retreats with some of my favorite teachers or being able to fly to Oahu to be with Ram Dass in December on my birthday or flying to Thailand to spend a couple months with Alan Wallace meditating in Phuket.
     Instead I am stuck to traveling little more than the distance I can drive in a day and having to listen to my mind  come up with  desires .Grasping at that which is  beyond my physical abilities .
      I don't want to hear of the suffering of others , I want my friends lives to be  filled with joy , health, happiness and fulfillment.
        I don't want to hear of a good friend re-injurying  his head after having severe trauma to that same region several years ago.  I don't want to hear of the courage and strength that he is exhibiting through the significant adversity. I do not want to  feel the hopelessness and impotence that I have when all I can offer are a few prayers and good wishes.

      My niece came to visit me last week , she arrived the day after I had chemotherapy, and instead of getting to play the role of host I got to lay in bed for 12 to 16 hours a day and go to the cancer center  for a transfusion of a liter of salt water so that my electrolytes would be in balance and I would not have to endure the intense physical pain of dehydration. That is not what I wanted to do .
       Watching this frustration expand  and contract into my awareness is not what I want to meditate upon.
          I don't want to publish this column but I probably will. I don't have any uplifting insights or revelations about my life right now this is where I am wallowing.