When something hits me.

One of my fellow Shamatha meditation participants wrote on her facebook page of her facing cancer. It reads as though it is a very aggressive form  of cancer which she is going to Mayo in Minnesota to possibly treat. It struck me  very hard to hear of this since she was one of the last persons that I thought would fall prey to such vicissitudes.
A beautiful poem was posted on her website which I wish to pass on.

Burn 2013 Taste of Cancer
Maya Howton

Everything and everyone
Who has ever been
Dear & delightful to me
Will one day vanish & fade

May this knowledge
Combined with wisdom
Strengthen me to awaken
To the one taste of all of life

Wisdom from the timeless
Essence of primordial consciousness
That flows thru my being
Throughout lifetimes without end

Strengthen me to awaken
To embrace with passion & dance
Both that which I hold dear
And that which I abhor

Cancer and Christmas
Birth and passing
Meeting and parting
Beginnings and endings

With wisdom as my left wing
Compassion as my right
Flying ever onward may kindness
Guide me through my night

Just like old times

        In 1970 I bought a Triumph Bonneville motorcycle . I thought and still think it was a beautiful machine. It was very fast , and very light, it would fly down the highway at 80 mph and never skip a beat and it could stop on a dime .

          It did have several flaws , one of the minor ones being that it was unable to contain motor oil . It would continually drip oil when in motion and particularly when sitting still. None of my friends had any difficulty in knowing what I had driven when I came to see them since there was always a small or large puddle of oil left on their street or driveway whenever I left.

        It was perpetually a quart low  and I would have to  stop at gas stations and parts stores to purchase oil to put into the engine on a regular basis.

         My body has apparently taken after my old motorcycle and I am leaking fluid  or in medical parlance I become dehydrated.      Yesterday I  became dizzy and   found it challenging to stay on my feet without weaving so, I had a liter of saline put into my body via the port in my chest . It takes two hours and after walking in dizzy I walked out energized. 

During these enforced downtimes I have discovered many interesting programs on you tube.  With my eclectic taste I skip merrily from programs on astrophysics ,  chess games,simple shows explaining basic order of execution of math problems, to greek plays and history updates. The web is fascinating you can learn anything.  Lectures on Buddhist philosophy abound and videos of Hindu chanting are out there also. Life is very rich .

I had a doctors appointment Wednesday and he pointed out that while the PSA  number is going up , the slope of the incline has declined significantly and that it was his opinion that if I were willing that I should continue with chemotherapy . I have agreed and will do this again next Thursday. My main goal is to participate in a meditation with my KM(friends) group out in the Outer Banks of North Carolina. I am really looking forward to it, 

I hope I don't drip on their driveway.

Writers block

A thousand titles  in my mind and I can't think of anything to say.
Just the new look

Once again something is not working and it is okay

       I jut got the results of my PSA(Prostate Specific Antigen) . It is elevated. The chemotherapy is not having the desired effect. I have been stunned by this kind of news so many times before that I am not surprised but it is not uplifting. All I can do is listen to the words of my mind and feel the effect in my body . I am tight in my throat and chest and the intensity of the news leaves me breathless.    There is a great heaviness that has been thrown upon me. During this day I had a rive in the country over to Stanton and Harrisonburg where I bought a few things and enjoyed floating down the interstate in my Old Mercury Grand Marquis .  It still rides like I am sitting in my living room watching the scenery pass. I love it.  I listened to Shinzen tapes about the ability to use one's Buddhist practice to consciously experience pain. Although he was primarily referring to physical pain ,emotional , such as what I am feeling at the present is just a germane. This act of writing helps me endure this pain by letting me focus on  a description of the sensations and events rather than being caught up in them.
         Allie is giving a talk tonight on the subject of equanimity and has had a day that is far from equanamous. So while I have not gone with her,I have no strength at the moment  from the effects of the chemo , I am with her in spirit.
          In some ways what  I am feeling  is okay,  going home is what I characterize this process for myself. I am returning into eternity and feel the blessings of life have been mine and I am grateful.I having been richly blessed and while even as a small child I was reluctant to let go of  present circumstances when I did and fully embrace the new set of circumstances  everything came out well.  I expect dying to be no different.
          I have all the childish fears that I have had all my life but experience has taught me that those fears are what I am to be fearful of and not the future which is rushing towards me.
         I am going to Allies talk now I have nothing more to say here.