Once again something is not working and it is okay

       I jut got the results of my PSA(Prostate Specific Antigen) . It is elevated. The chemotherapy is not having the desired effect. I have been stunned by this kind of news so many times before that I am not surprised but it is not uplifting. All I can do is listen to the words of my mind and feel the effect in my body . I am tight in my throat and chest and the intensity of the news leaves me breathless.    There is a great heaviness that has been thrown upon me. During this day I had a rive in the country over to Stanton and Harrisonburg where I bought a few things and enjoyed floating down the interstate in my Old Mercury Grand Marquis .  It still rides like I am sitting in my living room watching the scenery pass. I love it.  I listened to Shinzen tapes about the ability to use one's Buddhist practice to consciously experience pain. Although he was primarily referring to physical pain ,emotional , such as what I am feeling at the present is just a germane. This act of writing helps me endure this pain by letting me focus on  a description of the sensations and events rather than being caught up in them.
         Allie is giving a talk tonight on the subject of equanimity and has had a day that is far from equanamous. So while I have not gone with her,I have no strength at the moment  from the effects of the chemo , I am with her in spirit.
          In some ways what  I am feeling  is okay,  going home is what I characterize this process for myself. I am returning into eternity and feel the blessings of life have been mine and I am grateful.I having been richly blessed and while even as a small child I was reluctant to let go of  present circumstances when I did and fully embrace the new set of circumstances  everything came out well.  I expect dying to be no different.
          I have all the childish fears that I have had all my life but experience has taught me that those fears are what I am to be fearful of and not the future which is rushing towards me.
         I am going to Allies talk now I have nothing more to say here.