Not knowing

         There  is a wonderful Buddhist teaching about not knowing. The buddha taught that death was certain but that the time of death is completely unknown. The teaching leads to the obvious fact that we therefore do not know what the future is to bring yet we live our lives as if we are to live forever and that what we are experiencing is permanent. The wonderful thing that I am grateful for is that I see that illusion very clearly now for what it is.
      When I went to the doctors office I had made peace with what I believed to be an inevitable and that was that chemotherapy was the major option left to me. I sat with my friend S ,who very kindly accompanied me giving me moral support and taking notes. We waited for the doctor for 30 minutes during which time we meditated , am I grateful for that skill, and talked about prima amiga and how we had met and come to have the relationship that we do. The prima amiga called me right before I walked into the office cubicle and gave me a quick transfusion of love that she  does so easily for me.
       The doctor came in with a smile and  started to  examine the data that was being presented. Some numbers cause concern rapidly increasing PSA , but other results show improvement such as bone scans and others leave uncertainty such as CT scans .  However the doctor left the impression that there was no need to not only start chemo but that the exact opposite would be the best course of action.  There are some courses of action that are available that would be precluded if chemotherapy were done.
        It was a relief  to hear this and then of course come the Buddhist teaching of not knowing. If I let my equanimity get tied to these various opinions I am sunk. If I can continue to rest in the moment without clinging to anything then the better decision can be made.
         Physical sensations are my next challenge. Exploring these mindfully is the task that I will set for myself since at this stage I notice  that everything has a tenderness about it that the mind transforms into some very unhelpful imaginations. Breath and awareness to the rescue.
       I am preparing to go to LA on Tuesday to  visit with the Prostate Oncology Specialists
and determine what they have to say . I visited with my GP this afternoon to hammer down the ideas that I will need to ask about when I visit LA.

       My attention is certainly focused in the last few days and I meditate at almost every opportunity. Since I have only questions which merely lead to more questions I am at the place where I really don't know. Nothing to do but breathe into that and relax.

Call from beyond

      Today I  drank some mildly bitter liquid and had the CT scans to determine if the cancer has metastasized to the lymph system. It was an almost painless procedure, they did give me an injection of some dye, and took place in the period of 5 minutes and was done in a professional and friendly way. I had to arrive an hour early to drink this liquid and sat and meditated during the period of waiting. I had to be called out of my reverie to attend to the procedures. I meditate at every opportunity that I get .
       The instruction was then given to me to drink lots of liquid.
       Today's weather was perfect the high was in the mid 70's and the desire to hike up Squaw Peak coincided with every thing else that was happening.
       Prima Amiga is giving a dharma talk that we had discussed last night and this morning, I don't think I helped her much, and I set off on the adventure.
         Reached the top of the 1500 ft climb in record time, for slowness, stopped several time and drank two liters of water. That should help the system get rid of these new chemicals.
        When I arrived at the top I gave thanks to the deities of the ten directions for the many blessings that I have had and for good health which I enjoy.
         I learned from some traveling salesmen of my neighbor the wrathful aspect of compassions desire to sell his home.
           I thought a good idea to sit down and meditate ,surprise!
          For many years I would dread being alone on Sunday afternoon . It would give me a deep sense of melancholy that I always wished would never come and  pushed out of my awareness with various strategies that were mildly successful.
           The news of the impending leaving of my beloved neighbor brought forth that melancholy in spades. Interestingly ,however, this time I recognized and began to welcome the sensations . For the first time I recognized it for what it is to me and that is a call from beyond.
           "We who love you are here and waiting for you finish your work and you will be once again back with us." that was what was being said.
           I still want to live and live a long healthy life and then return from whence I came. Death seems a lot friendlier now.

Shinzen Young retreat 11-15-10

    The peace that passeth all understanding . THat is where all of this practice leads to.  Watching the expansion and contraction of a peace that just gets deeper and more serene. Just spent the hour doing just that hanging out in the space of not knowing in peaceful serenity.

We are folding up camp and this afternoon and several of us are going to  a sweat lodge ceremony. My tibetan doctor encouraged me to do this having given me the right pills early for the best effect.

After breakfast we did some more meditating and then broke up our retreat. Most of the folks left for their independent destinations but several of us went to the sweat lodge with R. An Indian friend of Shinzen.

This was my first experience with a sweat lodge and after getting through the logistics of getting there, we watched as  R  heated some stones. The appropriate dress for the ceremony in the lodge was a bathing suit. We got into a line and  then we filed in one by one saying the words   MAI TAI YAKI HO  roughly translated as  greeting to all friends. 

Upon entering we crowded around the fire pit and watched as red hock rocks were thrown into the pit and the cover flap of the tent was  closed. The first round was done with drumming and chanting  by R ,leading a chant in the  Tohono O'dam, his native language. 

Then the chant was  concluded and cool night air was allowed in. Once again red hot rocks were brought in the flap  was poured closed and water poured upon the rocks . THe sweat had really begun. After a few moments prayers began, Talking in a sweat lodge with a Shaman in praying. The chance to share what is deepest in your soul in the company of others. It starts generally with gratitude at least  it did for me, I thanked my guru  Neem Karoli Baba for bringing me to the right place , at the right  time ,with the right people, and the right circumstances to hear and understand exactly what I need to know. I asked that learn to transform my suffering since because if I could transform my suffering I could transform that of others. 

The nature of a sweat lodge is that you are in uncomfortable circumstances feeling various degrees of pain ,heat cold sweat crowded into a small space with others sitting on the ground and sharing with other what  I want. The more intense the outward manifestation of the suffering the more clearing it is in the soul and the deeper the sharing. To reveal what are the deep concerns of your life and ask for help from the great spirit however that is conceived. To some it was a great opportunity ,some used it to ask for deep parts of their desires,  such as to allow them to be better parents or children, to ask for the way back to life after losing a  beloved figure such as a sibling, to pray to the great spirit for children to come back  onto the path , or elders to  have  their suffering relieved, to ask forgiveness ,and to forgive.  As the sharing of the suffering increased the bond of those who participated increased. Concomitantly the letting go of the sense of isolation and separateness decreased. 

This sweat was a good one for beginners . 

I still held back and in the holding back have held onto a level of my own suffering. I was not alone in the holding back. 

I am entering the promised land slowly. I see all of the impediments and I realize that more purification needs to be done but the resolution to do  is so strong now.  Freedom  from suffering for all is a worthwhile goal .
      I am on that path.

Shinzen Young retreat 11-14-10

        Another extraordinary morning  . I awoke at about 2 and could not sleep having spent 4 hours awake the night before doing the yaza i did not want to repeat the experience again. For years great teachers middle teachers and small teachers have been telling me to pay attention to the body. I thought that I had been I ate well, exercised and did not do anything abusive, the results of course was a belief that nothing else mattered. THe diagnosis of prostate cancer changed that.  

The prima amiga noticed that I was having urinary frequency and suggested that I get a check up.  Even though my ex went yearly my neighbor had prostate cancer . Until a certain awareness was apparent , grace in the form of someone who loves me and said it with concern and without judgement , I  could not hear.

Likewise with last night I have done breathing exercises body scans and yoga but always from the viewpoint of the head. 

Laying awake wanting to sleep I started doing muscle relaxation with the breath  one of the simple as dirt exercises that anyone  yogi or meditator  would know. I started doing them and immediately watched as my mind said" this is boring and then the voice from the guru rejoined with a question "You want entertainment?"

The answer was obvious even to me, Of course not! I want to sleep. Turning my attention back to the process of relaxing the body the thought occurred to me that even if I do this the rest of the night at least I will  really be relaxed in the morning. WIthin a minute I was fast asleep.

The next step in the process this morning came after awaking and realizing that I felt guilty for having been so foolish and obstinate for so long. In my mind, doing something so foolish  for so long in the face of so many people telling, nay, yelling it at me is a golden opportunity  to belittle myself and feel shame . Not letting go of another opportunity the process of shame and belittlement started again. This time with the very thing that had been ignored these many years came to save me.

By breathing deeply in to the the physical sensation that was being generated by the thoughts of shame and belittlement  another wave of letting go took place and the shame, the belittlement, and the berating, stopped. To be replaced by a deep sense of forgiveness and release.

A realization came that I can not  change things until I am ready to hear . No more  than anyone who finally hears the message of love and forgiveness  that is our eternal birthright.

My nephew, B ,has a phrase which I think sums this up beautifully , "Things aren't until they are, and then they always were." I wasn't forgiven  until I was and then I always had been.

Original sin has for me the meaning of what I have done to myself and suffered the consequences for . I do no think many people feel that I have transgressed them or their sensibilities, the prima amiga will no doubt let me know otherwise, but if I have, they are not acts of deliberation but rather acts of ignorance.

Since I have begun the path of self forgiveness and rebirth within myself asking forgiveness of others when I become aware of it seems easy, although it probably isn't.  It certainly is easier than what I have been doing to myself.

The morning did not stop there. Sitting in the mediation hall  we were chanting Om Mane Padme Hu, ( Hail to the Jewel in the Lotus)  Essentially  paying homage to the Buddha in ourselves and others. It felt wonderful ,my whole body was singing.

This is going to be an interesting day.

Contraction and expansion were the themes for this mornings meditation and talk. In watching my mind I noted that the awareness contracted inward and became concentrated or would expand outward and become more diffuse. As I would meditate the thought of the coming weeks activities would emerge and I would note that there would be an expansion of the consciousness and I would would breath into the feeling that were caused be the contraction that fear the the imagination would give me as to what may be the results of tests.

Life expands death contracts and both are a natural and unavoidable part of being .  I am working with this.

Guess that I have had enough breakthroughs for the day the rest of the time was spent in getting use to the system of awareness that Shinzen is working with, lots of rich stuff.

Nothing else except went for a walk this afternoon to the top of a local ridge , a good hike but I fell in a cactus patch, nothing hurt but one of my favorite jackets is now loaded with thorns and I will abandon it here tomorrow.

Shinzen Young retreat 11-13-10

       Had a dream last night that  when I went to the doctors office I was given a questionnaire that asked when the problem was  and not where or what and that I filled the form out and said that it occurred right in the yaza. 

I spent Some 3 and one half hours in meditation in the all night meditation sit know as the yaza. I thought there  were going to be several people there from some of the way folks talked but there were only 2 others when I arrived and after 50 minutes one of them left. T the leader and I went for another 3 hours almost. Then I felt tiredness coming and went to bed.

began with a meditation on pain. Specifically I felt some tension in the perineum which allowed me to meditate on the image of something fearful ie prostate cancer , the thoughts of something fearful the consequences of cancer, and an  inner feeling of fear of painful death,  As I watched each one of these broke  apart and changed into something different leaving me with a net neutral in all three. Then I brought awareness to the body and relaxed the face and arms  then the feel the shoulders then calves working my way steadily to the actual sensation. By the time that I arrived with consciousness at the  destination the sensation was almost  gone. 

Another lesson; Do not try to work with the most intense area of pain but approach the point elliptically  The actual pain will have reduced significantly and then can be fully brought into awareness. The flavor of the pain  can then be examined along with time of waves color and any synesthesia effects , etc.

It was quite an education about the capability of the meditative system that I am learning. My meditative skills are becoming very good they need to be.

9 am--- Just did a meditation in which I brought awareness first to a point then transfered that awareness by letting go into an exquisite union with the divine, ? I sat with that awhile using the cognition of subtle laxity and excitation to bring this into finer and finer sates of bliss. Noticed that the body became part of the bliss, at one point and than realized that I could move this bliss of awareness into the abdomen and pelvic girdle ,the area that needs love the most in this body. Spent the rest of the meditation feeling love flow from the heart into that area.

THen the bell rang and it took awhile to unwind from that . I will practice more after breakfast.

10 am- How much the mind wants to return to the comfortable old ways that it knows. Leaving breakfast I noted an ad for an artist's home near here with beautiful views on 4 acres . Immediately the mind was wheeling and dealing to figure out how to acquire that beautiful property. It was  completely away from the moment and into the future.  While not ten minutes before the mind stopped  thinking in the in the middle of a bite of food and the higher self washed over the somatic body. Leaving after maybe 5 minutes of bliss and totally in the now.

2 pm- This place has internet service, got a late email from the ex. Also got to see what the market did. I was about three days premature in my prognostication. Shinzen has mentioned working with me on the project to get money for the young meditators. I had an insight on how to do that . I hope to engage him in more extended conversation at the Sweat lodge on Sunday. The morning meditation was choice less awareness  a zen form of mediation it is easy once you get the basic steps that SHinzen teaches. I could do it in a heartbeat however now that I am beginning to understand some of the finer points of the various mediations I recognize that I easily go into  Kundalini meditation from  that point and that would be further than Shinzen is socially set up to accommodate. Fulling acting out and SHinzen has not gone their yet or if he has he is not prepared to teach it.

6 pm - whew, Just did 2 1/2 hours of meditation culminating with a deity meditation. Becoming Maharaji  somatically , auditorially  and visually.  Becoming ones guru with a great deal of intensity is amazing but in hind side that was what was suppose to happen anyway. THe idea in Buddhism is not to become a follower of Buddha but to become a Buddha.  Also took a 45 minute hike.

Shinzen Young retreat 11-12-10

       AMONG THE TOXIC PARTS OF THE PERSONLITY THAT  CONSTITUTES WHat is called I is the unattractive and injurious  self pity. While it is not  an overriding theme in the personlity it exists there. THis mornings meditation was upon feel and  a new concept flow. 

When thoughts arise for me they are often accompanied by an inner feeling to them. THere is a somatic response to I love you when thought about myself it is pronounce the thought I hate you has a different response and is not one in which healing easily exists. 

Those being more extreme examples, THe thoughts that come up are around how in this morning the prima amiga could do more to help me  followed by how muhc I care and love her then followed by some type of guilt leave a definite somatic impression and the flow of those physcial impressions were the whtat I ws ws observing theis morning. THey physically feel  as  flow of feeling that are moving in  and around the body s they are more carefullly scrutinized they are changed from something that is a pejorative to something that is just flowing phenomena. Neither good nor bad. As they begin to fade in awareness there is what SY calls gone. THey are not in the field of awareness. At that point there is a mere emptyness that can be enjoyed in various meditative forms of which the shamatha practices that I am good at become very easy to slip in.

SHINZEN YOUNG Retreat 11-11-10

     IT IS  8:30 AM -Got cold last night so I turned on the space heater in the room. Noisy device which covered up the sound of the wake up bell.. Got dressed in a hurry speed on down to the Zen-do and as i was about to open the door the red light went on . The protocol being stay out when the red light goes on.  Well all dressed up and no place to go. It is cold and i am layering all of my clothes. 

In this heavily layered apparel I came back to the room and meditated for about  an hour then went back to the zendo to realize that I had missed the exchange period of going in or out and noticed that the sun was rising . Back to the room for the trusty camera which  I brought. Searching for the most scenic spot was easy just go up . The highest point on the land was where i wound up with the cactus and the thorns in my pants and everything but got some good pictures . 

Signed up for the sweat lodge on Sunday ,don't know all that much except it is intense heat followed by cooling that takes place four times. My doctor gave me the full moon pill and said take Friday night so not to interfere with the sweat. It is great to have a doctor who is not only unfazed by the thought of meditation and sweat lodges but adapts her strategy to maximize the gains to be had by doing these activities.

Have my final outside call for doctors appointments today, setting up an appointment in LA with some specialists. I don't have any great faith in their expertise  but the drug called pro venge which is approved by the FDA is wait listed and i figured that these guys have better access to getting their patients on that than the oncologist that i am going to in Phoenix.

Also may pick up a voice mail from prima amiga. who is on retreat at the IMF Center in Barre,  Massachusetts , it fills me with joy to hear her voice.

IT IS NOON -No voice mail ,but got the appointment made for the 23rd of Nov. in LA. don't know if i will fly or ride thinking of flying then can do it in 1 day rather than drive to LA/ I would be able to see G a good friend of the prima amigas and get a sympathetic ear perhaps , but  LA is just a hassle to get around in and Turkey day will be two days later letting me believe that transportation will be gummed either flying or driving.

Felt fine today, felt so good that I feel asleep in the meditation hall, someone had to awaken me from snoring. I just have to be careful about that. Sometime there is a fine line between going into bliss and going to sleep. I am going to stay up late tonight to  meditate with Shinzen in what is called online meditation. He has you sit in a small room connected to him via a telephone and he gives instructions,in an individual manner. If i can stay awake I have a raft of questions to ask  .

The moment is paramount at the retreat . How do I approach each and every moment with completeness, joy , and love?  For when those are filling my life , the decisions that I must make will be motivated and fulfilled with those conditions.

IT IS 4  PM Going to take a shower and maybe do some sack time. 

Well went to the hot tub instead sat in the 8 fold bath of the upper middle way with B a cognitive psych professor from u of G .  We had a few good laughs naming the right things for out 8 fold bath like, right temperature, right time  right location, right companions,right food, right drink ,right conversation etc. 

IT IS 6PM Did not intend to do so but went to the meditation, a 90 min job thought I would last maybe 30. Turned into the best meditation here so far.

What I call the meditative adsorption  or Jannas became the meditation  ; 90 minutes of bliss.  I think Shinzen and I  are talking about the same thing. with some questions either this evening or on the online sessions I will find out.

It is 11pm We are talking about the same thing. I got exactly what he meant I use differnent words. Learned about the concept of flow in the senses watching the walls feeling the body and listening for the quality of sound that proceed hearing within and how with awareness in these outer and inner form nothing remains static and to observe these changes constitutes fllow. A more difficult practice , but i have it ! Now just do the practice tomorrow.