The drugs that I am fighting are very intense they rob the body of testosterone which in turn makes it difficult to get motivated. They are hard on the liver, kidneys ,and several other organs in the body. The general prognosis for someone like me , unmarried,living alone, and with out a family is three years of life. I can only imagine what some of the mental effects these drugs are having on me. It is hard to imagine that any of it is positive.
They lead me to force myself to stay centered and active. They force me to live a very intense life . During two weeks in the middle of the month of July I will have eight different encounters with the allopathic medical community, The support that I get from the sangha (spiritual community ) is appreciated but because the bodies physical condition is so good I generally do not need physical assistance the psychological on the the other hand is a different type of intense.
The whole allopathic healthcare community is scripted to treat patients as sick people whose infirmities need to be taken care of . They feel responsible to be the people whose knowledge will heal whomever gives them the power over their lives. It is how the whole system is designed to work . Authority to heal is passed up to the knowledge worker who has the requisite skill to attend the ailment. The successful in the system are those who are either knowledge workers of comparable skills or those who have a deep faith the efficacy of the system or find the knowledge worker does the right thing .
I fit none of the above. This bodies ailment is not curable with allopathic medicine. I have no hope since to have hope is to suffer since hoping is taking a belief in a future outcome that may or not take place and leads to being distracted from being aware of being in the present .
The support I get from the allopathic community is perfunctory . correct , and dehumanizing. These are not evil people doing evil things , they are good people who are in a system not of their own making but one in which they believe for they have not seen anything else. I cannot share what I am doing with them since it is too beyond the pale of there models. A simple example will suffice. The urologist gave me a glowing report as to the success of what I was doing and encouraged me to continue. Several minutes later when asked of using Vitamin C transfusions his response was to off handed ridicule.
The healing is something that has to be done for not just the organs of the body, but the whole person and in an even larger sense the healing of everyone. This healing has to be acceptance of all the potential outcomes with equanimity and grace .
The spiritual retreats that I attend make me more and more aware of existence and the nature of being and the exquisite gift that life is. In embracing death as a certainty it gives a freedom to act with a degree of insight and clarity that I have not been party to for many years. I am grateful for this gift.
In Maui I met wonderful beings who are following the path to self-awareness and enlightenment . It is not surprising how close to the surface suffering is to our ideas of reality. For my roommate it was the dissolution of a long standing relationship for another couple the destruction of a friendship being wrought by the inability of someone to accept the inevitability of change.
Even if one is not following a path of self awareness change will take place .In the current ecological disaster the President of BP was quoted saying that he wanting his life back. His world of wealth and power has shattered and he is exposed to the inevitability of change , My friend B who works as a Hospice CNA tells of many of the people who come to the hospice totally unprepared and in denial about their positions. He has a story of one attorney who was terminal who could do nothing but attempt to negotiate and fight with everyone.
Gandhi was shot and killed , perhaps the most dramatic way one can deal with change in a life. His response was to say Ram calling out the name of god in his last moment. Heart focused so intensely focused on the divine that it was all there was for him at that moment.
The last few weeks have been filled with reminders of impermanence . An affair of the heart evaporated as quickly as it began. A long standing friendship which was laid aside , has blossomed into something that has become richer and more fulfilling. An appreciation on both our parts of the nature of impermanence.
Even as I write this I understand that the nature of change will sweep away whatever reality that I have ascribed as being true. Which leads me to meditation and the ten day silent retreat that I participated in . The first days were to rest from all of the travels the middle half were to slowing down and appreciating being able to silent letting thoughts drift slowly out of awareness to be replaced by just being . The last two days were spent enjoying the exquisitry of breathing, Ever breath became life anew . Hours were spent in the exalted state of being. The mind faded farther and farther into prominence .
I have much to learn of my craft , an English word that means both a means of making a living and a boat,
