Lots of things are happening I proceed with the Ipilimamub study not knowing if I am getting the drug or not and things get progressively more complex.
I physically feel fine but am tired and do not seem to recover as quickly from the day after the administration of the drug. Just being tired. The weather is wonderful here which in Phoenix is saying something for mid May.
DIscovered my ex sister in law reads this blog. Hi. Don't have a clue as to what she really thinks but she is a kind person so it probably is not all bad.
Prima Amiga is in Yucca Valley Ca right now with my car. She is in a training that will teach her of about the suttas of the Buddha and how they apply to the lives that we all lead. That will be interesting as we get closer together.
My ambition to teach meditators some of the intricacies of trading the market continues as I have found a way to work with the most important part of the process. Listening to self. The technical analysis skills I have cobbled from other sources and they are accurate and the actual dynamics pushing buttons seems easy enough but getting a sense of what is happening is useful.
Going to a Vipassana group tonight they are very good people and it is a privilege to join them we are reading Tara Brachs' book" Radical Acceptance" . In that Tara is of prima amigas teachers I have been exposed to this a lot through osmosis.
Still getting the house painted slowly it is being done beautifully by B when he has spare time. No problem I trade with him so the cost is fairly low and the house is looking great.
This report is rather disjointed but it is what I can do.
I intend to be in Virginia for most of June to return for a treatment and then back to Va for July seeing if I can say until early August. Plans , we shall see.
Thursday, May 19, 2011
Sunday, May 1, 2011
Rage
My nephew B is in town and for me that is an honor ad a pleasure. He reads Einstein for light reading. Is still writing his book on the nature of how the mind works and has insights that he shares with me in the most kind and loving way.
Thursday my ex invited us out to lunch and over to visit her home. I never had been there and was not particularly curious but it was the polite thing to do.
WHile there B noticed me becoming more and more angry and noticed how the ex by just being who she is inflicted a level of cruelty upon me that she was not even aware of. THe evening after the visit was over I awoke at two in the morning and found myself really angry with her . A meditation on the anger did not seem to do too much and in a later conversation with B he pointed out the cruelty and how she had a model of behavior that I was not living up to and then would make judgements about with the resultant diminution of me as a person. I keep wanting her to see how painful this is and when she does not I become enraged which because of my own models of behavior I turn against myself.
Talking to B after the meditation was over we explored the relationship of mental models and how they deal with the physical universe.
I spoke to prima amiga about what had transpired with the ex and she suggested that I write out a letter and put all of the feelings into it. I did so to see before me have venomous and hate-filled my rage has been.
To acknowledge to myself and speak the truth to people of how hurtful what they say and what they do are to me is what I understand the prima amiga to mean as establishing boundaries.
This rage and pain is difficult to accept in myself but the only way to be free is to go through.
Thursday my ex invited us out to lunch and over to visit her home. I never had been there and was not particularly curious but it was the polite thing to do.
WHile there B noticed me becoming more and more angry and noticed how the ex by just being who she is inflicted a level of cruelty upon me that she was not even aware of. THe evening after the visit was over I awoke at two in the morning and found myself really angry with her . A meditation on the anger did not seem to do too much and in a later conversation with B he pointed out the cruelty and how she had a model of behavior that I was not living up to and then would make judgements about with the resultant diminution of me as a person. I keep wanting her to see how painful this is and when she does not I become enraged which because of my own models of behavior I turn against myself.
Talking to B after the meditation was over we explored the relationship of mental models and how they deal with the physical universe.
I spoke to prima amiga about what had transpired with the ex and she suggested that I write out a letter and put all of the feelings into it. I did so to see before me have venomous and hate-filled my rage has been.
To acknowledge to myself and speak the truth to people of how hurtful what they say and what they do are to me is what I understand the prima amiga to mean as establishing boundaries.
This rage and pain is difficult to accept in myself but the only way to be free is to go through.
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