Nurture Positive an intense day and how to deal with it

              Today isn't quite over and I have been told how the CT scan that was done yesterday has been indecisive , that my left kidney and ureater  are swollen and might possibly have cancer although that is unusual  , my prostate is of normal size. which is a way to have someone feel inside the lower part of  my alimentary canal. Not pleasant but I have lost the modesty and a lot of reactivity.

             The urologist presented a very grim picture of placing a stint into my ureater by going  through the penis bladder and up the ureater . Bleeding in the urine , and infection are the possibilities, along with pain and the need to replace it . Or the other alternative is a colostemy bag. Stick a hole in my side insert a plastic tube and let the urine drain. Infection is the main drawback followed by tube replacement.

             All in all it is just  repulsive and the quality of life would deplete so quickly along with the lack of the opportunity to lengthen the process that I believe that I have found the place that I am going to have to draw a line between wanting to keep the body alive and forgoing  medical procedures designed to lengthen life.

             I spoke to the intake person a Hospice of the Pedimont and as a former volunteer I was completely familiar with most of it. WHen I have concluded that the treatments are no longer viable I will get on hospice .

            Going Home. One of the meditations that I learned from the Shinzen Young retreat that I just returned from was a  technique that is described below:

Nurture

Positive

Summary

Shinzen Young

1.

Start by

positioning your attention in Subjective Space.



Bring some attention to Image Space (in front of/behind your eyes) and some

attention to Talk Space (in your head/at your ears) and some attention to Feel Space

your body experienced in terms of the presence or absence of emotional type sensations).



You can do this

practice

with your eyes closed or open, but most people find it easier

to do it with eyes closed.

2.

Now intentionally create positive image, positive Talk and pleasant Feel.



Visually think about a person, place, material object or symbol that has a positive

connotation for you and that would tend to create a pleasant Feel tone. Be aware of

the mental Image itself and any pleasant Feel sensation it may trigger in your body.



At the same time verbally think a syllable, word, phrase, sentence or sequence of

sentences that matches with the Image and that also would tend to create a pleasant

Feel tone. Repeat that positive Talk over and over like a leisurely mant

ra while also tuning into any pleasant Feel sensation it may trigger in your body.



At the same time let there be a subtle smile on your face. Notice any pleasant Feel associated with that smile.



Thus, you’re continuously tuning in to positive Image, positive Talk and pleasant Feel with even attention to each of the Subjective Spaces. In other words ,you'r aware of positive Talk in your head, positive Image before your eyes, and pleasant Feel in your body all at the same time . This is the way to do the Focus on Positive technique.



The Image need not be vivid or stable, but if it completely vanishes, refresh it by

thinking of that person, place, object or symbol again.



The Feel sensation may be something triggered by the Image and Talk, or something

turned on directly in Feel Space, or merely the result of intentionally smiling.

The Feel sensation may be quite strong and widespread or quite subtle and localized. Any

sensation may be quite strong and widespread or quite subtle and localized. Any pattern is fine.

     By deeply focusing on the image of coming home as a beloved child of a loving family I am able to maintain the equanimity that  allows me to make obvious decisions without feeling the need to cling desperately to a failing  body.

How to Guide Someone through the Death Process using Mindfulness

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=gDeMbojj8-E&list=PLpWI1yEIe1nFP8FncvQ7V5RNfEIFt39H1

           

            The news from the Hope cancer center just arrived and the results of the effectiveness of the Jevtana chemotherapy are in. The drug is no longer effective  and I will have to change the method of treatment.
            It is disconcerting to have to do this since it the closing of a door that might have lead to more effective results .
            Monday it has been arrange for me to undergo a CT scan to determine the extent of the cancer and if it has gotten into other systems of the body. If the cancer has remained in the bones then I may be eligible for a different treatment Radium 223 di chloride trade named xofigo. This is what is said about it:

Radium 223 mimics calcium and forms complexes with the bone mineral hydroxyapatite at areas of increased bone turnover, such as bone metastases. The high linear energy transfer of alpha emitters may cause double-strand DNA breaks in adjacent cells, resulting in an anti-tumor effect on bone metastases. 
  
                   This is just another step of the reluctant child who does not want to go home but rather want s to keep playing ,the benevolent universe is very tolerant and loving and will let me continue for awhile more. 
             There is a story of Buddha towards the end of his life voiced the recognition of the sweetness of life and how there is a wish to continue . I still have that wish . 
             I am not entirely dismayed by the news because chemotherapy is a particularly stressful approach it induces nausea, diarrhea , constipation and exhaustion.  Not to have to endure that is a blessing.
            What I wrote in the previous email I have been persuaded was not entirely correct. In my discussion of the nature of somatic or kinesthetic awareness I believed that the body does not have the chance to live either in the future or the past but must remain eternally present. 
               Much my understanding of the body  remains in flux and I learn continually. The example that changed my mind  is that the body retains a physical memory by tightening and loosening muscles which over long periods of time harden into set patterns of thought and behavior . When I was a massage therapist many years ago I would often notice that by touching someone in a particularly sensitive region of their anatomy, they would emote . many times without any pressure the client would cry or relive some traumatic incident in their lives.
                  The memories that emerged were vivid and immediate . Even if the incident was distant in time and had no conscious recall  prior to the session. 
                   So the body does retain the past in its formation but  the future is a different matter. One can visualize or talk about the past and now I understand that the body does the same things in the muscles and sinews , but  I await some evidence of how that relates to the future for  somatic awareness.
                 Other alternatives are available including a mixture of some drugs that have failed in the past but together they may have an effectiveness and a different type of chemo that has worked before called taxotere.
                 
          
                

what bliss

 


I have just gotten off of a long meditation retreat with SHinzen Young at Richmond Va. and wanted to catch  up with  you. It was one of those remarkable experiences that change how I understand the world and during which I was having experiences that change the nature of how I approach existence.
Allie and I spent the retreat together it was at the Episcopal center of Richmond Va. and we were meditating  6-8 hours  a  day ,she more than me. 
     Along with the meditation were the lectures that SHinzen would give. They were not well planned  but so brilliant and in the moment that they would often transport consciousness into a vastly different realm .
      After one lecture I came to understand a zen story that I had heard many years before but never grasped:
          Two monks were arguing about a flag .The first monk  declared that the flag was moving. He pointed to the rippling of the material and the motion back and forth of the material.
       The second monk argued it was not the flag but the wind that was moving and that the flag was merely an effect of the wind.
        My first impression was that monks really don't have to much to do if they can argue about such a subject. 
        But the story continues; Not being able to settle the debate they took the discussion to the roshi ( the head monk) and asked him to settle the question.
        His response was that they were both wrong and it was the mind that moved.
         I never got that story but it stuck with me. 
         After I listened to one of Shinzen's discussions on, of all things imaginary numbers          ( which are the square roots of negative numbers).  I walked outside during the break and looked out in the distance at cars moving on the freeway. As I stopped the motion by merely having a quick glimpse I realized that I would be able to tell the location precisely but I could not tell how fast the car was traveling . When I watched for awhile I realized I could judge the speed but not the location.
          Then it struck me my mind had created these distinctions . These distinctions were the essence of what the monks were debating . The roshi had merely pointed this out.
          To be able to stay in that realm of consciousness is to commune with the essence of being.
After another one of the talks I came to realize that Allie and I have different modalities of thinking.
         Shinzen uses the three sense gates , seeing , hearing , and feeling as the modalities that the mind uses to perceive . In normal consciousness it is impossible to perceive  without using one or all three of the modalities. It is conceded that taste and smell are modalities but arbitrarily placing them into the feel category is how SHinzen rectifies that observation.
         Virtually everyone uses all three modalities but some favor one over the others. A default modality if you will , akin to being right or left handed or ambidextrous .
          My default is to think in pictures  quick sharp and fleeting. A picture emerges into consciousness and is replaced by another with the speed of the blink of an eye.
           Allie's default is somatic. The body feels either with emotions or physical sensations and the distinction between them is   overlapping crying is an emotions during which the chest can heave, the heart can ache, and the eyes tear. 
           To be the superb therapist that she has been throughout her career she has had to develop this capacity along with compassion , empathy , and loving kindness ,to understand the suffering of her clients and help them to recover their equanimity .
            In Buddhism these are called the Brahmaviharas or the 4 immeasurables .
           The somatic sense that she has is highly refined and I was always in awe of it. 
           What  I got from practicing somatic(body awareness ) meditations ,was and understanding that in the modality of feeling there is greater and lesser, but it is always there. The awareness of my right big toe is always with me whether I attend to it or not. Feeling merely expands into and in consciousness or they contract back from and  into non - consciousness . 
           Feelings expand and contract on the stage of awareness for a considerable time. Feelings do not leave as quickly as a picture does.
                Armed with this understanding I spent an entire day paying attention only to how feeling moved through me, with their expansion ,contraction , resting, and absence.
                The result being a sense of being present in the body . While this writes rather superficially , it for me was quite profound. The body is always in the present. Pictures and the other modality, hearing, can be in present ,past , or future . But the body can only be present. The body cannot feel in the past ,nor can it feel in the future.
              Allie's world became open to me . The world of feeling was brought to conscious awareness. I softens the way I perceive. It is  much more gentle and flowing but without clear stops and starts.
The most  profound  experience I had at the retreat was around death and dying, a theme that  is becoming closer but is not immanent.
            During a meditation at the retreat I had the experience of acceptance by the part of all of us that is divine, or if that language is off-putting then the part of us that communes with pure love . During which  I felt a deep peace from having been forgiven for all of my failings , perceived or real.  
             What bliss!
The second part of the communing with pure love lead me to realized that death for me is merely coming home, like a small child who has played all day and it is growing dark.  
                Death is inviting and  welcoming  even if I want to stay out a play some more. It will be there when I am through and will call me   home.
             Home where I am cared for and loved  as the beloved child of a loving parent .
This is what awaits me.
  May it await all sentient beings.