Processing

    Last Saturday evening I had a discussion with the prima amiga who is back from her stay in India. During the trip she went several  emails telling of what was happening in the world that she was abiding in. THey were the type of missives that one would send on a vacation from anywhere in the world and I enjoyed the postcard type nature of them since they were hurriedly written and quickly sent. THey contained very little as to the inner drama and growth of which she had gone to India to experience.
    The extent that they were unrevealing was fascinating.
    One of the primary criticisms that she has of our discussions is a striving for authenticity. Which I have taken as telling the other person the essence of what the emotional content of what is happening at the moment of the communication . What I did not see in the emails was that very authenticity. Since I did not see it I did not respond but rather kept everything as cryptic I felt  as was sent to me. Referring her to this  blog as the place  to receive an authentic searching of self.
      In subsequent conversations it was revealed that it had not been done, but only after intimations of anger and queries as to a reason for no more depth.
      Saturday we returned to type. THe conversation began with a question about the day and after an explanation of the delight I had in understanding what a local jewish mystic was talking about followed by the accusation that I had failed to change and that it was not a essence conversation.
     Instead of the usual agreement that perhaps I was not looking deeply enough I felt defensive and  put upon. After the conversation was over and I had a chance to reflect upon what was said I began to realize  the nature of may addiction to being with her.
       Sunday I attended the opera La Boheme , the beautiful story of a group of Bohemians in Paris who loved, laughed ,lived, and died in the most achingly of romantic ways. I recognized the process instantly and intimately , I was amazed and appalled. THere in front of me was the the drama that I was doing with myself and given that the character Mimi died in the opera I could see that the outcome was not one that looked fortuitous .
      More meditation in seeing the depth of the experience of the romantic attachment and love and how when I had very important things to deal with concerning healthcare I could only focus on this aspect of my life.
     The next realization was that if there was a feeling of addiction and despair built around what was happening that that was what needed to be dealt with. That anger, sadness, and alienation was the issue that was keeping me from being healthy in the moment and it is more important to deal with this tangled web than to ignore it and pretend something else is the issue.
       To the end of doing so I have devoted time with a psychologist discussing how to set boundaries. Something that was done for me by prima amiga but something I have not done for her.
       Let me hasten to add that I have proceeded to live a full life outwardly. Monday evening was spent at  the talk of the Jewish mystic, a kindly, soft spoken ,self-effacing man of great leaning. He sings in the beginning of the lesson and I go to the back of the hall and dance with 3 - 5 lovely ladies laughing and enjoying the gift of life. THen he speaks telling stories from the Torah and quoting other holy men in illustrating the truths of which he speaks. He often illustrates with stories from his own past demonstrating the errors, learning , and grace of which he has had given to him.
         One thing struck me in what he said. The strength of speaking softly and with humility. Not having thought about it much, it became apparent that it was more telling to me that that type of teaching was and is much more profound and wise that stridency and volume.

         It was a suggested that one  read of the lives of saints. To that end  I have been reading about various Indian saints as I am somewhat more familiar with them than the westerners. Anandamayi-MA was last nights reading on the internet  and while I am having transfusions I am reading Gandhi's Autobiography Experiments in Truth. They are fascinating people and in Ma's case otherworldly and in both cases revolutionary.
         It is inspirational to read of others who are far advanced on the path that I am so haltingly trod-ding.
          What  my adventure of healing has brought me to begin to realize how much grace  within is necessary to accomplish  true health and how revolutionary that has to be . I pray fervently that others may share good health and healing. To heal oneself and not see the difference between self and others is the revolu
          Last night three experienced meditators stopped and we had the opportunity to sit together. It lasted  only 45 minutes ,as one of the participants had to leave after that period of time.  While I cannot speak for the others I did slip into Samadhi and was delighted with the ease that it happened. I hope to do this next week on Tuesday as well.
         Today affords another opportunity . I had an energy rolfing sessions with a Zen practitioner. The effects of which are spaciousness in consciousness , clarity of decision making , and calmness and order in the need to follow both actions and thought. Proper action becomes apparent without having to think. I am noticing that the work is starting to carry over into the other parts of my life and am delighted.
         Tomorrow more doctors visits, this one dealing with my acupuncture physician. It is all preparation  for taking the drug Zometa which gave me serious chest pains and left me asleep for forty hours the last time I took it.