Responses and Reactions

I am having a difficult night. Today was the day that Zometa ,the drug that takes calcium from the blood and puts it onto the bones, was administered today by transfusion. It was not a difficult process or painful.  THe reaction that has taken place is not like the original reaction to the drug, which was  an intense overwhelming one of pain and fever like symptoms accompanied by exhaustion and sleep ,  but rather it  is insomnia ,  achiness , and hot flashes.

THe body is reminding me that it needs appropriate loving attention which I am giving it in the manner that I best understand. THe hot flashes are accompanied by visions of abandonment , desertion , and loneliness. All of which I have learned to witness as the grasping of the mind , and in this case the mind reacting to powerful drugs.

In dealing with these circumstances I have opted for a highly unusual approach of meditation and alternative therapies , combined with allopathic medicine. The results have been in the words of many of the physicians remarkable. I will continue in my unorthodox approach . My guru's most famous disciple , Ram Dass gave me the key to this approach in telling me early in the process to follow my heart.  It has been my approach to everything and everyone and remains so . 

Very influential and wise people have come into my life and helped me on that path . Often suggesting yet even more unorthodox methods. When my heart tells me to follow that path I have done so even when not understanding but having faith, Clarifying what following my heart means has been critical to developing the discrimination that is required to choose finer and finer methods of healing the mind , body and soul. No one by my guru  knows what that looks like and I have to feel , look , and listen ever more carefully to what is my path. I having been learning to distinguish  what are the desires of others in whatever reality they are operating from, no matter how loving it seems to them, and  what my guru is guiding me to do. Often painfully for everyone.

When I returned from Hawaii I went into the ten day Shamatha meditation retreat that allowed me to practice letting go . It was accompanied by the deep desire to learn to  work with everyone who was part of my life in healing ourselves.  This physical life will be attenuated by the disease process. It is also being enhanced by that same process. Those who enter closely to me are changed . Their lives  are entwined with mine and proximity to one who is rapidly transforming has a definitive effect.

That effect may or may not be what their conceptions of how something that is  transpiring is suppose to happen but that is what change is about.  If one holds to the conception of how change is suppose to take place then the true birth of the new cannot happen. The process of birth cannot be resisted or ignored.  It may not even be postponed . It can be aborted but only at great cost.