The work was hard . We weeded a large yard with a device called a hula hoe which cuts plants off below the surface from their roots and sometimes pulls the roots out also. The work was simple the hours were long the joy was wonderful. There was not a great deal that was said as communications became simple and direct. It lead to an understanding of each others meaning at the basic meaning of who we are and what we are to each other and with each other. When we did talk in the evening it was to root out the differences in our perception to understand what the other persons weaknesses were and to allow for those understandings to be clarified and discussed .
My prima amiga had just returned from Bernie Glassman's bearing witness retreat held in Poland at Aushwitz. The Nazi concentration camp. To meditate in a place like that where so many souls were so violently separated from the bodies is inspiring and taxing. The effect is profound and moving and leaves one deeply touched.
My prima amiga talked of her experiences at length. As much as she said I could not help get the feeling that the words were only a poor substitute for all she had felt and I am sure that there is much that she must look at to grasp the deeper meanings from the teaching that she received.
For myself it is somewhat difficult to express what went on emotionally since this is a work in progress.
I understood how tragedies in my family from 50 years before I was born brought forth in my life suffering that I could not understand . I was afraid as a child that my parents would leave me. It never happened and they did no such thing but I was terrified of the situation. With a little reflection and kindness that was given to me I began to understand that my grandmother had treated my mother with a great deal of emotional distance. My mother was the last of 6 children four of whom had died before she was born. My grandmother in her grief had learned not to be too attached to her daughter since she had no idea whether she would live as she had lost so many before my mothers birth.
As children mature they move away from mom into the world , when they become frightened they run back to mom. Safe again they return to the world. Only to return when in need of reassurance.
If a mother cannot be there for the child in a healthy manner the child can become very anxious. ANd so it goes for generations. I got to see this in action and realize now it has effected my whole life. Since I do not have a lot of other vices which can substitute for that missing affection the process wells up at inopportune moments and keeps me from being fully present with those whom I am around.
The joy of Vipassana Buddhism is that as one practices the art of awareness which is mind blowing simple to understand and demonically difficult to put into practice. As the emotion courses through watch the body I watch as things get tight, loosen, constrict again move to another part of the body and become loosened yet again. Easy to describe but difficult to do when you are caught in some overpowering state of mind.
Oh well practice practice practice. Seems I have to learn the lesson over and over .
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