Ramdom Thoughts

        A beautiful cool spring day here in Phoenix.  The birds are singing the breeze going through the house keeps the temperature very comfortable and I am glad to be alive and especially feeling so good
         The drug ipilimumab is what is being tested upon me at this time perhaps since it is a drug trial it is impossible to say if the drug is affecting me or if other processes are in play.
          For instance I seem to get very hot lot a hot flash and last night I spent several hours sitting up listening to music because I could not sleep.
          My skin feels a little itchy sometimes but is it unusually so is hard to guess. Itching is one of the side effects of the drug but to what degree?  If there is no  sign then am I getting the drug? Not everyone has signs so don't know.
           I am also continuing to do things that are unusual for me in that I have let go to some holding on that I have  had all of my life. I am getting back into the market and in order to do so and trade as a day trader I need to be able to move in and out of a trade in a matter of minutes . My account is not big enough by the rules to do that and I do not want to  go into the principle to provide for the cash so I am parting with old jewelry that my parents had that means little to me and selling it. It helped raise some money for the project. I have some more stuff to sell but it means letting go of things that I was taught was very important .  THe importance is that I realize that nothing is permanent and just let go.
           I have been doing my nurture positive meditations and then using that for understanding the decision  making . That consists of nurturing  my mind with positives  gladdening the mind. When I have practiced that for an hour or two then I can apply the process of making a decision by focusing the mind on a question using the sense of inner hearing seeing and feeling until I have a degree of affinity about an action. By then turning the thought to the opposite using the same focusing process I have sense of the degree of affinity about the opposite of the first inquiry, One sense is more in harmony with how I feel the other  isn't. Decisions become very easy and relatively quick. The process seems quite rational to me  and it allows for changes to take place quickly since thinking about the process is limited to what the mind can do not what it cannot. Very helpful with the market.
         Also very helpful with the health issues. Doctors give me advise that comes across on both side of a decision. Well meaning and knowledgable is helpful but certainly not decisive and that is what is necessary when making these types of decisions.
           It is a great blessing to me that I can use the meditational background that I have to make those decisions . Thanks
           Other things have started I have a new toy an iphone, it is remarkable and something I have quickly learned I cannot live without. THe prima amiga is going to be getting one in fall when her phone contract runs out and she said she would be use mine and I could get the new one. That is way cool. We also will become part of a family plan which cost us less for both of us.
              Prima Amiga and I are planning how to live together it is going at a comfortable pace for the both of us and  there is a lot of joy in sharing.

heavy changes

This morning I arose at 4 to do a meditation that I have come to call nurture positive. It brings me to a deep sense of love and awareness. The joy for me is that it is recreate-able and expansive . Love flows from a boundless well. At the end of the meditation contraction from the state occurs but the boundaries are not as solid as they were before.
   From this state the day proceeded apace I am getting back into the stock market and have been very cautious not trusting my self but with the joy of doing what I I felt comfortable with made some money with the market going up then recognized the turn and made money with the market going down. I  feel like someone who was thrown off his bike and badly hurt getting up and getting back on the machine it was exhilarating.
  In this very delighted state I decided to have some lunch and casually swallowed some pills that were inhaled and I began to choke. Not being able to breathe focuses the mind rather quickly . Starting to turn blue I heard a voice in my head saying not to panic I remembered the heimlich maneuver and contracted my stomach forcing the pills free. With much coughing and chest pain as some of  the pills had dissolved and had been inhaled I spent the next hour spiting up the remains of the pills as well as vomiting. Very intense.
    From there to the dentist and the cleaning of teeth, back home I could only sit.
   I decided to watch the Disney movie UP which involved the loss of a man's life-long companion. From the highs of the morning through the intensity of the days experiences I then became deeply sad at loss for fiction is only a reflection of the illusion of our lives after the sadness had washed through me happiness and satisfaction once again returned. Another expansion and contraction of consciousness.
     I am amazed and grateful at how much and how well   I can respond and how quickly strong emotions are flowing through me.

So much to say

              It has been difficult to write this blog recently not because there is nothing to report but because there is so much  to report.
                Since the last full report I have started taking an experimental drug called Ipilimumab which inhibits the immune suppressors in the system . The drug lets the immune system run wild with the expectation that it will deal with the cancer that it has not been recognizing.
                 The result is that some men have had spectacular results from the drug. Since this is a study there is a 2 out three chance that I am getting the drug and an even smaller possibility that it will be effective if I am. However if effective the results are dramatic.
              My ex is going to the doctors meetings with me and has been very helpful I appreciate her presence. Two professionals talking about a subject let an amateur more easily understand what is happening.
                I have concluded my relationship with the naturopath sending him a card thanking him for his contribution and telling him of the team of doctors ,shamans, medical intuitives and other therapists that I am working with.
                 My meditations proceed apace. Becoming the mainstay of everything in my life. The truth that happiness is within is demonstrated to me on a  daily basis. I often feel surrounded by love and compassion and am deeply grateful for all. The truth is that without the diagnosis all of this beauty and joy would be hidden from me and the diagnosis has been the key to what I am finding.
                I continue to have the house painted and cleaned. It is becoming the place that I long ago loved being at the yard is returning to its park like beauty.Things are working that have not done so in a long time and a tranquility has descended upon the residency.
                I wish health, happiness, ease of heart and safety.

I AM LOVING AWARENESS

This morning I arose at 4 to participate in a telephone meditation teaching on the subject of nurture positive meditations.
      The teaching started at five and four four hours I indulged my soul in the nourishment of bliss.