Thoughts and friends

It is interesting to me that people actually read what I have to say in these blogs. The latest surprise is my former sister in law.  A former nurse, she has been following the methods of treatment that I have been investigating and sent me some emails concerning the Oasis of Healing and their proposed method of therapy dealing with Insulin Potentiation Therapy or IPT. There are two sides to these discussions and she dutifully sent me information about both and a background upon the founder of the group. I appreciate her interest.

It is surprising to me what this endeavor is becoming.  Having my life spelled out in the internet for all to view is a feeling that I find; flattering, that people actually care, humbling, I do not think that I have much to say, difficult, coming up with the words that will be worthwhile to read, disheartening, others seem to lead such interesting lives of travel and adventure, and educational, I am learning about myself and the interior life of the mind and its accompanying emotions and thoughts. It is an ungrammatical endeavor, as I realize that I can neither spell, type, or punctuate, thank you spellcheck.

 
A friend and teacher dropped by last night on her way home from a conference for followers of the writings of Ken Wilber.  V walked into the room and brought a spaciousness of consciousness that was palpable. For those of us who do meditation a lot it is easy to discern someone whose thoughts and emotions are merely another aspect of the predicament of life rather than being the defining character of who they are.  She is a powerful yogini whose practices seems as eclectic as many of ours. She does a practice that involves placing the body in a position known as the bound lotus which is the crossed legged lotus position while adding the peculiar difficulty of grabbing each of the feet with the hand while the arms from the shoulders cross behind the back. She then meditates in that position.

As she arrived she floated into the room and as part of the process of welcoming her to the meditation room I removed her shoes and washed her feet.

Washing the feet is an interesting practice, it honors the guest as well as the host. The guest is treated as being an aspect of the divine the host for recognizing that aspect. V and I discussed this as something that some of the groups that she attends might do in diads where individuals do exercises to put them in touch with various forms of consciousness that are not normal in our society but are widely recognized in in the ancient world and many contemporary societies. The Pope does it on ceremonial occasions.

V is also a good listener and empathetic fellow traveler in life with whom I do guided imagery meditations and with Skype the wonderful communication program of the internet we spend hours together practicing.

Another blessing from the universe emerged in the form of a man who could be Santa Claus in both looks and demeanor, has the name associated with a fast food chain, and is unfailing kind. He had learned of my body's condition and was expressing his sympathy. When it became apparent to him that the condition is not immediately dire, we spoke of several venues of health that I am pursuing and he had two suggestions for me about people who he could recommend for acupuncture and rolfing both of which I wish to incorporate if possible. He even offered to pay for the initial visits to these men as an expression of his faith in their efficacy and competence.

The acupuncture is something that is not invasive and may help me with the side effects of the hormone suppressant drugs that I am taking.

I have hot flashes from the effects of the drugs. They take the emotional control that I normally could exercise and remove it. Many of the emotions that I have not dealt with in my life in a satisfactory manner are now heightened and sometimes produce reactions that are painful.  Abandonment is an issue in my life that has been something that I have feared so the universe has been training me in dealing with it in many ways.

From learning to deal with a wife that no longer wished to be married to a prima amiga who is adamant in not becoming involved with me beyond a certain level of comfort and will then leave to pursue her own sadhana to smaller issues. I have had the opportunity to learn that I bring the suffering of those experiences upon myself by what the Buddhists and others call grasping and that the grasping is the suffering.

While I have learned much it is still often painful. The hormone drugs have a way of fueling these emotions to an intensity and with a suddenness that can be overwhelming.

A quick example: Yesterday I was attempting to make an appointment to get a shot of a drug called Zometa, a drug that is useful for men taking hormone drugs to replace the calcium lost.  It is important.  I also was having tire problems with the car and having to get the hook that holds the spare in the car replaced as well as the tire replaced. Parts were not available. Time was not something that I felt that I had much of (after all my bones are falling apart), and while this normally would be an irritation, I was turning it over and over in my mind (watching the turning as a good Buddhist would do) until I had gotten so excited that after the phone call came from the Doctors office I cried. I had not been abandoned!

There are any number of options available to deal with this and I am employing several including therapy, meditation, and acupuncture. I know that some drugs exist to deal with this but I am not looking to become unconscious to my inner demons but rather learning to turn them into tools of deepening my spiritual practice.

Acupuncture has been a learning tool for me in the past and I am going to explore its potential in dealing with the side effects of hormone drugs. Rolfing and energy work may also have some salubrious effect. It is an exploration of the unknown.

Directions from the past

It was a beautiful blue sky filled with small white puffballs for clouds when the young boy decided to roll head over heals down the well cared for rich green lawn on the side of the hill. Tumbling head over hells in delight he rolled and rolled and rolled until he reached the bottom of the incline. At the bottom he discover a small one lane road which lay at the base of this slanted meadow.

As he looked around his parents driving in their 1956 tutone green and white chevrolet stopped open the right rear door and beckoned the boy to jump into the back seat.

Seeing his beloved parents he jumped into the car landing on the black plastic seats . His father smiled at him and turned back to the task of driving the car with its large white steering wheel enclosing a chrome circular horn ring.

"Hank Paulson did exactly the right thing in letting Leham Brothers fold as they did . It was a good sign to the markets that inherit risk is built into the system and that no one is too big to fail", His father intoned.

"This is a dream," I said. "I am having a dream."

"Yes you are,"replied my parents .

" We are your past , you must live in the present". They decreed.

new year

Attended a healing gong meditation event last evening with 40 healers. I was in the center of the group with three other people and we were all getting rid of something. What I wanted to get rid of was the cancer.

As I was laying there I noticed that my mood lifted and that the tenor of my thought became much more healing and positive. THe people involved were healers ,part of the Sikh /3HO tradition and searchers for a positive outcome to the events of their lives.

THey are inspired focused and positive and their energy feels wonderful when down . THey lead to lots of life affirming decisions and are good in their way. Well disciplined and focused.

Spent new years eve with a friend . Started by going to the Sikh ashram and realized that I was out of place and uncomfortable called a lady I know found that she was doing nothing and visited her for a time . We sang kirtan to Dave Stringer and I loved it. Left early since Ira and I were going to a vajra rogini empowerment on New Years Day.

New Year's day was an opportunity to listen toe tapes that my prima amiga had sent me .. Spiritual Madness by Caroline Myss. A woman who has faced quite a bit in her life and made very good choices because of the wisdom that she has gained. The modern mystic was the theme for the tapes. Learning how to deal with the establishment of a functioning I and the the dissolution of the I which is the mystic path.

I resonated with those stories that spoke of suffering , loneliness, and abandonment and learning to give thanks for plenty in the midst of lack, being grateful in the most difficult of times for if that can be done then when the good times return as they do that then there is more to even be grateful for.

I thought of one instance that one has to balance this idea . THe other story is of a woman who was a poor swimmer who left a boat because of her seasickness. The boat was blown away by a sudden wind but several of her fellow passengers jumped in the water to comfort her. THey were good Buddhists and as the Buddhists are want to do talked to her about what she would want in this moment suggesting such things as love, kindness, compassion and equanimity. Her response was that she wanted the boat back.

Another part of her talk was of a small boy who had a brain tumor that made a bargain with God to heal himself of it. He had a child's vision of how to do it stuck to the bargain that he made knowing that it may not work and had no guarantees and and one point when he was busy fighting the tumor let go of the struggle and let God control. He was successful in defeating the disease.

For me I have had enough of loneliness and abandonment for the time being and am working on human contact ,friendship, inspiration ,learning and letting go of a non-social life.I am not versed in in yet but am loving the people who are around me and giving me their time , and companionship. My heart tells me that healing lies more in this direction than more austerity. Enjoying life has more appeal at the moment than giving up hope and fear but oddly as I write this enjoying life may be the way to give up hope and fear.

Another Day

Routine report from the pits, worked out at gym, met the ex at a new doctors office an oncologist in Glendale. Got the PSA numbers explained so that the concern now is to keep the number low for as long a period of time as possible postponing the need for chemo for ever lengthening periods.

Qualified good news. Arranged financial world differently and coordinated financial life.

Going to a party with a group of healers tonight and staying with a friend to keep staying sane.

Planning on going to garchan rinpoche's varjra rogini empowerment new years day .

Head & Heart

When I spoke to Ram Dass I came away with one overriding understanding and that is to follow my heart. My heart will lead me because it encompasses the head and not the other way around. The head can announce the vision once the heart decides, but if the head announces a visionary direction and the heart is not in it nothing will come of it. My heart is in the place of healing. I can actively involve my entire being into healing myself or the effort is unfulfilling and unsuccessful. The heart must become committed.

When I learned of the Shamatha Project my heart was committed and the head saw the way to go and everything that I did was designed to get me into the project. I went to every retreat that Alan taught within a reachable distance of my home from Hawaii to Mexico City to Montana to California in different locations and Shambala center in CO. If Alan taught shamatha I was there. I went to retreats in New Mexico at Upaya Zen center with Natalie Goldberg to learn to write. Believing that I would be writing reports about what I was doing I felt that it would be wise for me to write as well as I could so that what was written would be read and used by the people studying the material. I went to other retreats done by other teachers such a Yinguer Rinpoche on the subject of Shamatha looking for a way to better the practice that I had. I attended work shops with fellow associates of Alan to get different perspectives on how this should be approached. Everything is designed to get me conversant and into the Shamatha Project. Whenever there was anything that was official for getting signed in I was always among the first to have the papers filled in and turned in. I met everyone I could associated with the project. Going to DC to attended the Mind and LIfe gathering to meet anyone I could who was associated with the project or anything ancillary to the project. I took courses in dream and sleep yoga since they were relative to the basic stages of shamatha. I exercised rigorously to get in shape for being at the retreat. All of the major efforts that I had in my life were centered around getting into project.

It worked . The gods smiled upon me and allowed me to do this most important project . I was somewhat disappointed that I was not in the study group but rather the control group but that ultimately turned out to be for the better since I was in the group that actually was a little more prepared for than the first group. Now I am in the process of healing my soul and body. The body which has this aggressive disease has to be attended to with the utmost care and preexistence and love. The soul is the vehicle. The soul for me is the vehicle of the heart. It is the way that my heart will express itself in caring for this body, my life ,my work, my prima amiga, and everything that is worth living for.

The goal is to heal, the method is to learn that I already am healed and how to express that.

I went to the Oasis of Healing this morning and received a very warm welcome and support from staff which I got to talk to. My initial contact was with a woman who was a patient. A lady in her thirties with teenaged children who she was trying to manage with a blackberry by sending text messages . With that she was only partially successful, however she had come to the center in Sept with cancer in the bones and in the lymph and had gotten the results of her tests recently to discover that she was almost completely free of the disease. It was most heartening and uplifting.

I then toured the facility with another lovely lady who brought me into the facilities of the nutritionist and the other people in the process and it was something that I definitely am going to have to consider. They have a process called IBT in which they give chemotherapy to a patient after having them fast and then have an transfusion of insulin. At the most propitious moment they give an injection of glucose and chemo which in theory leads to the cancer cells which are starved for sugar ingesting large amounts of chemo while minimizing the dosages of the poison.

Sounds very promising. Doing my research.

Salvation Army

For two glorious hours I served meals to people at the salvation army Christmas dinner. The job that I had was putting rolls and butter on plates of hot food that were given to the people who had come to eat. We in the serving lines were given the opportunity to give food to our fellow human beings in a gesture of compassion.

At the end of the meals, I was the last person to cease serving , we packed up and left. I was so high from the experience that I did not want to leave that emotional state and when the clinging was complete I cried.

Part of this is my own state of mind and I was reminded that the drugs that I am taking cause hot flashes and with them I believe mood swings.

Went to a Christmas party with a group of buddhists, an oxymoron I think, and we had good food that I could eat and plenty of conversation .

Broke up with an agreement to go with one member to a Vajaragini empowerment in Prescott Valley on the 1st of the year.

Equanimity

Continuum a line leading from one end of a range to another.

Depression runs along the line to elation. In today's adventure I worked with the literal using of a physical line to experience the sense of depression to elation. It is easy to feel either. By standing on one end of the continuum and moving to the other I allowed how a change could work through the emotions. From a concave chest slumped appearance a flow of thoughts of despair to chest high, standing proud and a flow of thoughts of elation. Something of a tour de force. Another tool of observation.

There are many other continuums which to explore, all of which hold more insight into the mind that I am dealing with. Living in the future or the past can put me into either end of the continuum. I f the flow of thoughts are uplifting and I am not tired then the results are elation. If the flow of thoughts are downcast and I am tired then the results are obvious. It is interesting to realize that these emotions are merely something that can flow through a life and not be the I.

When I was nine years old my father took me the baker to pick up a birthday cake. As a rambunctious child I was bouncing up and down in the back seat and my father yelled at me to sit down and be quiet. Quite disproportional to the offense . My father was angry and hurt. I later discovered that on his birthday his older brother committed suicide. As a nine year old I could not even guess what the depth of the problem was, but as a defense I learned that by being quiet to the point of depression that I would not be made to feel worse if I did it to myself first.

There is a line that suicide is hanging your skeleton in someone else's closet. It certainly happened in my family.

I do not feel depressed or elated in writing this but rather equanimous . There are revelations aplenty in this journey and this is merely one of them.

I have been accused of reaching for one end of the continuum and fleeing the other and this I do not deny. I have observed that the process of fleeing the depression catapults me into action that is often frenzied and stressful. From overeating, ill planned actions, and incomplete thought to denial of the existence of things, events, or situations that I do not want look at.

It is better at this time to learn of these conditions that I may not let them have the intense rule in my life that they have had.

A friend who is Catholic tells me that confession to the priest absolves him of his sins and when I asked him about where those sins came from he said that they came from a stone tablet written thousands of years ago. Mine are perhaps as ancient.

I believe also that confession is good for the soul, and this is my confession from which absolution comes in the form of peace, understanding, and acceptance.