Equanimity

Continuum a line leading from one end of a range to another.

Depression runs along the line to elation. In today's adventure I worked with the literal using of a physical line to experience the sense of depression to elation. It is easy to feel either. By standing on one end of the continuum and moving to the other I allowed how a change could work through the emotions. From a concave chest slumped appearance a flow of thoughts of despair to chest high, standing proud and a flow of thoughts of elation. Something of a tour de force. Another tool of observation.

There are many other continuums which to explore, all of which hold more insight into the mind that I am dealing with. Living in the future or the past can put me into either end of the continuum. I f the flow of thoughts are uplifting and I am not tired then the results are elation. If the flow of thoughts are downcast and I am tired then the results are obvious. It is interesting to realize that these emotions are merely something that can flow through a life and not be the I.

When I was nine years old my father took me the baker to pick up a birthday cake. As a rambunctious child I was bouncing up and down in the back seat and my father yelled at me to sit down and be quiet. Quite disproportional to the offense . My father was angry and hurt. I later discovered that on his birthday his older brother committed suicide. As a nine year old I could not even guess what the depth of the problem was, but as a defense I learned that by being quiet to the point of depression that I would not be made to feel worse if I did it to myself first.

There is a line that suicide is hanging your skeleton in someone else's closet. It certainly happened in my family.

I do not feel depressed or elated in writing this but rather equanimous . There are revelations aplenty in this journey and this is merely one of them.

I have been accused of reaching for one end of the continuum and fleeing the other and this I do not deny. I have observed that the process of fleeing the depression catapults me into action that is often frenzied and stressful. From overeating, ill planned actions, and incomplete thought to denial of the existence of things, events, or situations that I do not want look at.

It is better at this time to learn of these conditions that I may not let them have the intense rule in my life that they have had.

A friend who is Catholic tells me that confession to the priest absolves him of his sins and when I asked him about where those sins came from he said that they came from a stone tablet written thousands of years ago. Mine are perhaps as ancient.

I believe also that confession is good for the soul, and this is my confession from which absolution comes in the form of peace, understanding, and acceptance.