Following in the footsteps of the three stooges

 Today I learned a great lesson. One should use only dishwasher  detergent in a dishwasher. Had some leftover Palmolive dish soap and threw it into the dishwasher  figuring that it would wash the dishes I guess it does but here are the pictures of the results.

Exhausted:The first day

This was written four days ago on a computer that did not have internet access:

I am tired   , lonely, depressed, and afraid. I guess that just about covers it.

All I need is a dark and stormy night with a broken car and I could write my own country and western song..

            I’m  on  three day meditation retreat and  after a long sleep the first night I got up to the morning meditation and feel asleep. Wound up snoring to boot. Tried to sit up straight this afternoon but realized  that does not help.

            Facing the feelings of loneliness and despair in meditation is the only way through this stuff. I have glimpses of what it is like when I am not possessed by these feelings.  When I can meditate through this I becoming deeply calm and possessed with an inner quiet that reminds me of why I am choosing the path that I am on. But the road to that nirvana is twisting , filled with potholes, narrow and sometimes seems like a dead end. Today it is the later and I am just hanging on to whatever sense of direction that I have  because this is not easy.

            The only way to conquer  these afflicitions of the mind is through them. Experience them in as mindful a way as I can so that they do not become suppressed and have even more deleterious effects that which are no longer acceptable to me. I am tired of the suffering and my attachment to it and wish  I could just give it up. I am determined to do so and that is the path that I am following.

            Knowing that death is certain if  I outlive the affliction of cancer or not makes this all the more compelling.  While this may not sound like it what I am doing is what I know will make a rich life and a peaceful death.  

            I hope that what I am writing in this blog will give some courage and strength to some soul who needs encouragement. 

            The first anniversary of my  biopsy was today and Oct 12 will be the 1^st anniversary of when the results were given to me and the adventure  began. I have lived longer than I expected and except for being tired which  seems to have more to do with  the psychic surgery  and traveling  than anything else I physically feel excellent .

             More days of meditation. CHuladasa , the guy who runs this place was quite kind and forgiving in informing me about the snoring and we agreed to just let me sleep when I need to . But not in the meditation hall.

            I also am doing the Zengar in the afternoon. That is the ekg device that gives biofeedback .  It is suppose to have some noticeable changes in after the 15^th  episode and I just had number thirteen today. One more tomorrow and one Monday and then I will observe whatever that I can .

            

Second day at three day retreat

This was written three days ago while on retreat on a computer that did not have internet access:

I am now in Cochise Stronghold for a three  day meditation retreat. It is based around shamatha Vispassana and will be mostly sitting meditation with some guidance and talking and lat least that is what I expect.

            Since the John of God I have been doing the protocol that accompanies the visit. Drinking some of the holy water not doing any fancy energy work, ie yoga reiki shamans etc. and staying in bed between 12 and 5 in the morning, except for bathroom breaks.

            The results have been that while I feel fine the energy level that I have is subdued and I am devoting my time to playing chess, meditation reading,  hulu- the free movie channel and  talking with the prima amiga about a book that we are reading by Philp Moffit called dancing  with life.

            It is a study of the four noble truths and how they can have a beneficial effect on the mind. It is \ useful in that the other day I got the lab results about the PSA numbers and they are showing a minor rise. That is not good .  The mental consternation that this causes is quite pronounced and if I did not have meditation practice to fall back upon I cannot imagine how I would be able to handle the  anxiety and fear that is engendered. I can look at it as an opportunity to deepen my practice as I watch this news has its effects.

            The blood test was taken before the trip to New York so that is one variable in the equation that has yet to be factored in. Another comes from my urologist who just attended a conference on the subject and has taken me off of Casodex , the oral pill that is a testosterone suppressant. It seems that that may be the cause of the rise.

            The next test will give some more salient information.

            So I have my work cut out for me . Staying present with the news and watching each piece of the play unolf without attachemt,

John of God

     In the plains of Brazil lives a healer know as John of God . A man who at nine years old was visited by entities spiritual beings that directed him by taking possession of his body and using the body to heal people. He has quite a track record and his famous throughout the world.  When I started the journey I felt that I would be going to see him and had prepared myself to go to Brazil/, John was coming to AMerica specifically to the Omega Institute in Rhine beck New York.  A discussion with a friend revealed that he wanted to see John and further discussion revealed that there were two more  pilgrims . We banded together bought our tickets arranged for the event and were on our way.
       In a large white circus tent 1300 people all dressed in white gathered to see the entity and receive the healing blessings that are given. We lined up  in queues several hundred people deep to parade in front of the entity and receive instructions as to whether we would receive a special blessing , or a spiritual intervention,
    The first day I was told to come back for a spiritual intervention. That afternoon I joined t several hundred people getting a spiritual intervention. We were brought  into to the main building from the tent and placed in chairs and rows that facilitated large numbers being blessed in rapid order. THe whole process which involved closing the eyes placing the hand over the heart and  listening to a blessing from the entity,
      I said the pledge of allegiance , It seemed natural ,Then got the blessing from the entity, It was easy. We were then escorted back to the circus tent and given the instruction to go to bed for 24 hours.
       I thought that was a bit long but it turned out about right. All I could do was sleep. And I awoke from that sleep stiff and sore. The explanation is that the entities had done surgery and that we were in recovery mode. It certainly felt as if I had been hit by a truck.
       The following day my fellow pilgrims got their spiritual interventions and I realized that I was the designated driver. Taking all three of them back to the hotel where they could rest. I went for another pass in front of the entity and was told to return the next morning for another spiritual intervention.  THe evening passed very painfully , difficult to sleep aches in hips, backs, fingers, and an intense sense of being in that situation. An intense sense of awareness that made it difficult to sleep.
        I returned to blessing room for the spiritual intervention , received it and was exhausted by the time I walked back to the circus tent. It was  raining very hard and I was difficult to stay dry  even thought I had a raincoat. My energy became weaker and weaker and slept in  house on the campus designed to the weary. Cots were everywhere.
       The pilgrims then started our return journey to Phoenix. Each of us were exhausted and coughing , dizzy and hardly functioning. The long flight was delayed because of weather and we did not arrive until midnight local time in Phoenix.
      I ache, my butt is sore from the sitting, my sinuses are draining , I have an appointment this afternoon to receive the Zometa transfusion . That does not seem wise at the moment.
        I did not take a camera but R took pictures so when he sends it to me I will post it.
 

Home again

        Had an experience this weekend that let me go a little further into letting go . I went  to San Antonio Texas to spend a long weekend with Prima Amiga. We arrived at roughly the same time at the airport and took a cab to the Hotel. At the hotel the doormen took the luggage from the trunk of the cab and placed it in the lobby.  However the computer I was carrying, a book I had read on the plane and all of the medicines that I had been taking was not part of the luggage.
         Being with the Prima Amiga , a vipassana meditation teacher, and using my own mindfulness training allowed me to let go in rapid order. Within an hour I had come to the acceptance of not having and not wanting. I knew what I could do and what I could not and let go into the moment of spending a wonderful time with my beloved prima amiga. We talked , went dancing, walking on the beautiful river walk  section of the city and enjoyed each others company as we always do.
          The next day I got several pills from the pharmacy to cover the lost one while I was gone and we proceeded to enjoy the sights of the city. Went swimming in the hotel pool found the only vegetarian restaurant in San Antonio and danced in the elevator until a rather embarrassed woman got on and the prima amiga made her welcome by giving her a hug.
         We talked about getting together in December , discussed the book the Philp Moffitt book Dancing to Live , discussed her lesson plans for her Vipassana meditation class. Used the material in the book to further our meditation practice by not grasping at something that was lost.
         We flew out yesterday morning to our respective homes and had a wonderful time.
         I am typing this blog on the computer that was lost and returned.

August in Pictures

Camping out in the mountains of Virginia on Lake Moomaw. Used prima amigas canoe.

Lake Moomaw. There is a bass fishing tournament every Friday night. I guess that the bass are frightfully fast since the fishermen have high speed boats that they race up and down the lake in stopping to throw a line in the water for a few moments and then racing further up and down the lake until late at night hoping to hook one of these elusive creatures.

I paddle far too slowly for the high speed bass.

The bass and the fishermen raced by our camp site all Friday night.

Prima Amiga and me  on a friends pontoon boat. They were fishing for the slower swimming fish of the lake.

Slow fishing friends.

A much less strenuous form of fishing.

Eating the catch.

Preserving these important missives for posterity.

Bhaktifest

              Just finished several days of chanting the names of god at Bhaktifest. THe headliners were ,







Kishna Das

 Deva Premal. 

Jai Uttal


. and


Shantala

 with Benjy and Heather Werthheimer. It was the opportunity to feel love in the most outlandish open and wonderful ways imaginable. As an example when I had returned from the festival to my car to change the clothes that I was wearing  I met  an attractive young lass who was using the hood of my car as a laundry rack. I did not mind and told  her to continue since I was not going to take the car anywhere. SHe asked me to help her get dressed as she was wearing bracelets that needed to be tied. First there was a passionate embrace and a kiss followed by the tying  of the bracelets followed by another passionate embrace and parting. This was  done in a very slow and delightful way and I certainly enjoyed it.

     I watched another supple young woman who was doing yoga exercises with a partner during the chanting.  She was balanced on her partners feet . She was also bald and and had a henna tattoo that was different every day one day it looked like a yarmulke , and the next it looked like a exotic sweatband , and third it looked like a crown. There was another woman who was dressed as the Hindu Goddess Kali. With the skulls around her neck and hands as a waistband. Most entertaining.
       I stayed with a long time friends  in Yucca Valley sleeping out on their patio under the stars in the cool high desert nights.
      They have many roles one of them being both are ministers and they had become the caretaker of a homeless  man who was ill. He is quite kind and well read on many subjects. He seemed quite intelligent but in talking to him it became apparent that he was something of a lost child who needed care and had not grown up.  I gave him some money mainly to help my friends since his leaving would lessen the burden that he imposed .
       I also listened to the drama that their lives involved a granddaughter who was illegitimate angry and rebellious . Who was turning from my friends back to her paternal grandparents whose interests seem to be auctioning estates , fundamental Christianity , and plastic surgery. I have a very limited picture I am sure but the suffering is real and the heartache undeniable. The mother is a very attractive young woman who has an affluent boyfriend with whom she is building a house. The boyfriend knows of the child but does not know that it is his girlfriends daughter. Confusing the child and striking a note of emotional dishonesty that draws everyone in.
        Interesting drama , but ultimately it is just drama. And both my friends realize that while it is they are caught in it.
        I got my big lesson from the family dog. A loyal but very distrustful animal that growls and snaps at everyone. Finding myself getting angry with the dog I realized that I had been taught a lesson of attachment. I started to feed the dog by hand . By open hand not holding the food in the fingers. THe growling ceased . Obvious in retrospect , by being loving and kind suspicions were diminished. It is not a one shot process . Now to discover how that applies to my fellow beings.
         During the festival I was convinced that I should to have an interview with Howard Wills  an energy healer. It was quite fascinating. After describing the condition and what are the modalities of treatment he had me sit and meditate. It was the experience of becoming extremely aware of various parts of my body. Starting with the nose, which has been runny and sneezing. The awareness or energy if you will descended in to the abdomen , the to the pelvic girdle and from their the feet. The culmination became an awareness of the body as an energy field that I was able to visualize and feel at the same time. Quite interesting in that thoughts were not part of this process and were entirely peripheral to the process that was taking place.

While this picture is more complex than what I was seeing in that meditation is does give an example of what  the vision was. And it was accompanied by  sensation of each of these lines as awareness or energy.