Exhausted:The first day

This was written four days ago on a computer that did not have internet access:

I am tired   , lonely, depressed, and afraid. I guess that just about covers it.

All I need is a dark and stormy night with a broken car and I could write my own country and western song..

            I’m  on  three day meditation retreat and  after a long sleep the first night I got up to the morning meditation and feel asleep. Wound up snoring to boot. Tried to sit up straight this afternoon but realized  that does not help.

            Facing the feelings of loneliness and despair in meditation is the only way through this stuff. I have glimpses of what it is like when I am not possessed by these feelings.  When I can meditate through this I becoming deeply calm and possessed with an inner quiet that reminds me of why I am choosing the path that I am on. But the road to that nirvana is twisting , filled with potholes, narrow and sometimes seems like a dead end. Today it is the later and I am just hanging on to whatever sense of direction that I have  because this is not easy.

            The only way to conquer  these afflicitions of the mind is through them. Experience them in as mindful a way as I can so that they do not become suppressed and have even more deleterious effects that which are no longer acceptable to me. I am tired of the suffering and my attachment to it and wish  I could just give it up. I am determined to do so and that is the path that I am following.

            Knowing that death is certain if  I outlive the affliction of cancer or not makes this all the more compelling.  While this may not sound like it what I am doing is what I know will make a rich life and a peaceful death.  

            I hope that what I am writing in this blog will give some courage and strength to some soul who needs encouragement. 

            The first anniversary of my  biopsy was today and Oct 12 will be the 1^st anniversary of when the results were given to me and the adventure  began. I have lived longer than I expected and except for being tired which  seems to have more to do with  the psychic surgery  and traveling  than anything else I physically feel excellent .

             More days of meditation. CHuladasa , the guy who runs this place was quite kind and forgiving in informing me about the snoring and we agreed to just let me sleep when I need to . But not in the meditation hall.

            I also am doing the Zengar in the afternoon. That is the ekg device that gives biofeedback .  It is suppose to have some noticeable changes in after the 15^th  episode and I just had number thirteen today. One more tomorrow and one Monday and then I will observe whatever that I can .