First stay in a hospital & the feet of the guru

        Two weeks ago I had a ct scan that indicated a growth in my lungs. It was inconclusive as to what it was so a biopsy was ordered. Supposedly an outpatient procedure it was to take an hour or two and then return home. Instead the lung collapsed and the I was placed into the hospital for 5 days. A tube was inserted into the pleural sack , the area around the lung, and air was sucked out  which allowed the lung to expand into the area until the puncture healed itself well enough that I could breath without difficulty arising.
       Yesterday I was released from the hospital and am recovering. THe biopsy revealed valley fever ,a fungal infection common around here , and not prostate cancer of the lung.
       COmplicates treatment and we are having to weigh the circumstances as we go.
        Thanks to Richard for transporting me to and from the hospital even though I could not give him a release date which through his schedule through the wringer.

   And then there is the other story. Back in Virginia Allie has a neighbor whose land we  hike on quite often. In the beautiful foothills of Virginia the hike leads to the top of a ridge upon which Poppy has built a labyrinth . In the center of the labyrinth is a small rock altar and when I was hiking with Allies last year I placed a picture of my gurus feet with flowers sticking out between the toes.
   To the hunter who stumbled across this bucolic scene visions of torture and foot binding came to mind. Taking some amazingly bad photographs he notified the police who realizing that they were out of their depth turned this over to the FBI.
    Following up on the lead the FBI then questioned Poppy about the photographs presence on her land . An explanation about the reverence ,such as adorning the toes with flowers ,that is accorded to the feet of the guru went far and beyond comprehension of the G-men assigned to the case . However realizing that there was no crime that had been committed they  left Poppy .
     Poppy's husband Wayne did have her remove the photo.

Long time

             Since my last post I have gone through chemotherapy and while the results were good the report from the doctor today suggests that they were not long lasting . PSA is going up dramatically and my options are narrowing again.
            I am weak and have been in a couple situations where life and death were  very close .
             All this is dramatic and I have been through a lot but the more I endure the more at peace I seem to become. Not to say that I am blissed out all the time I am not , but when the emotions and physical pain come they are not  something that I make mine but rather observe a passing phenomena . Makes the process much easier. WHen I first started chemo I went to a meditation retreat with SHinzen YOung , the first day I could not walk 100 yards and slept continuously by the end of the retreat I was spending my time in a Jhana ,  a state of meditative adsorption so deep and profound that prose cannot describe and only spiritual poetry can allude to . Available to all it lessens fear of dying by the realization of identification with that deep state of being, rather than the corporeal and emotional form that is frightened ,decaying , and wasting.
       I have not given up upon the life that inhabits this mind and body but I realize that I am greater than the form and identifying with it is a losing proposition .

        My beloved whose name is Allie has taught me much . Lao-tsu said that " Being deeply loved gives one strength and loving deeply gives one courage." That has been my beloved Allie's teaching to me , it is a great blessing one for which I a m deeply grateful.
        Today also saw the reappearance in my life of one my oldest and dear friends , Diana, we have know each other since grade school and merely take up our conversation where we left off. She and her husband are in Az for a few days I am delighted that I will get to spend some time with them.
        Also got a wonderful you tube  http://youtu.be/3MXU4d2w5VI about a great little Corgi like mine going for  hike, got it from aka Scott Mumford another good friend whom I have not given enough thanks for his kindness and compassion.
        I also want to thank my cousin Rebecca ,although the word niece is more appropriate. When I stared the chemo she came a spent 5 weeks with me and it was one of the most enjoyable and educational experiences of my life. We read together every day discussed whatever was on out minds , learned from the teaching of Shinzen Young, walked and delighted in each others company. I love the songs that are in her heart and come from her at the most delightful moments. She is wise beyond her years and is a blessing to whomever s life she is in. I am proud to have her as a relative and more importantly, as a friend.
        I have been very erratic in my posting  and no doubt will continue to be but whomever is left reading it thank you for the good wishes and kind words they are appreciated.

       
       

Some positive results at last

  Just got the word from my doctor about the effects of the Chemo on PSA. Mine was 1035 before the chemo and today the test came in at 106 an almost 90% reduction.

  My immediate reaction was being stunned.

  Last night I thought that I would be grateful and happy because of the news but found myself meditating on the anger and dismay of all that I had sacrificed to get to this point. The meditation was intense , long , and unpleasant but after two hours it was as all things are ,impermanent.

  I am now just tired , 4 hours sleep. 

  I am equanomous at the moment and have a lighter heart than last night. Prima Amiga comes tomorrow and Tuesday I have an appointment to discuss my options from here.

  This is an intense trip and my meditations are up to it.

Chemo and consciousness

 Two weeks ago I had aport put into the right side of my chest . It allows for easier access for the infusion of the drugs and chemotherapy that I am now undergoing. The following TUesday I received the first dose of taxotere a chemotherapy drug. Since my red blood cell count was very low, anemia ,the cancer is  preventing the formation of red blood cell in the marrow of the bones , I received two pints of blood on the following day.
     Getting blood this way gave me flu like symptoms for three days. Achy bones and an inability to walk more than maybe a 100 yards.
     All this sounds incredibly grim and would be if i had not had the fortune to be able to attend a week long meditation retreat with Shinzen Young a vipassana meditation teacher prima amiga knew many years ago and got me to study with.
   Vipassana meditation is learning to observe the mind with both concentration and detachment. All of the pain is observed intently  but without clinging.
    It is said by this teacher that pain plus clinging equals suffering.
   So at the retreat I got to practice with very heavy duty pain both emotionally and physically. Since I was in an environment that had massage therapists and people who followed the methodology I was able to experience the pain in such a way as to learn how to let go of some of the suffering. As well a get outward relief.
    I do not seek pain this but take this as an opportunity to learn to deepen my appreciation and joy of life. It is very hard but my abilities are growing commensurately.
    Fear arises from the  prospects of what this ordeal demands and where it may end but rather than cling to that fear which would merely amplify the pain I am allowing it to arise and pass through. The less I hold to it the less I suffer. The same with anger, loneliness, and a raft of other painful emotions. Even the physical pain can be worked with and I am getting to practice far more than I wish.
    All interesting words ,but to what end? In more of my meditations I am reaching what I have been taught to call Nirvana, but I rather like the line from the bible about  experiencing  the peace that passeth all understanding. By the end of the week I had gone through enough to realize that a deep sense of equanimity is always available . To me and everyone all of the time. It is merely the practice of doing so strengthens my ability.
     I have experienced this enough to want to share with more people and am hosting a meditation this Friday conducted by phone by Shinzen on the basics of his system. I will provide the background material and answer simple questions .
     What I have talked is the important part of my experience the drugs ,the doctors visits, all of the outward activities I deal with but they are here to help me learn and grow.
      Today I feel good and my niece (my close cousins daughter) is arriving and will be here for  five weeks while I go through two rounds of chemo.
    In November prima amiga will be here for two weeks and we will all be deciding what the next step in this path I need to take.
    The side effects of the chemo are beginning to be observed I am losing hair so I will take a picture of what it currently looks like and will have it all cut off probably late this week. Losing hair can cause suffering, I have heard of a woman who refused all treatment  for her cancer because of her fear of hair loss.
    I have developed much compassion for people in the last few months the common ground of suffering supersedes  the mind made differences between us.

     I apologize for being so tardy at these blogs.

   

WHat's happening

 I could not bring myself to write for the last few months. I have felt good and I have been spending my time with my prima amiga with whom I have shared the most wonderful summer. It is reassuring to me given what I face to realize that the power of love is more important than life. Without love life is meaningless and that is demonstrated over and over to me.
       I got back today from LA where I consulted a doctor who specializes in Prostate Cancer and the news while not without hope is pretty grim. I had been doing an experimental drug trial it is not working, the cancer seems to have spread and the pain has become severe at times. Prayer has transformed my evenings praying that others do not suffer as I  suffer actually helps. It is relieving to believe that my prayer will keeps others from the pain that my body sometimes has and that those who I love will not be repelled or hurt by suffering that I may needlessly inflict while in a form of debilitation.
      I am also getting some acupuncture that has lessened that suffering  that the body endures. At time the pain is but a whisper at times it has all the quietness of a jet airliner at takeoff. Two weeks ago it was breaking the sound barrier now it is more of a quiet rustle.
      The numbers are very poor PSA is over 1000 the cancer leaves me exhausted along with anemia.
        The possible choices have to be agreed upon between several doctors who have told me that I can be cautiously optimistic to another who says that I should start chemo yesterday.
       The best thing that I can think of is to throw a equinox party so that is now part of my plans.
         I will talk  to doctors the rest of the week maybe something will come of it. I promise to write more.

Not much to say

Lots of things are happening I proceed with the Ipilimamub study not knowing if I am getting the drug or not and things get progressively more complex.
      I physically feel fine but am tired and do not seem to recover as quickly from the day after the administration of the drug. Just being tired. The weather is wonderful here which in Phoenix is saying something for mid May.
  DIscovered my ex sister in law reads this blog. Hi. Don't have a clue as to what she really thinks but she  is a kind person so it probably is not all bad.
     Prima Amiga is in Yucca Valley Ca right now with my car. She is in a training that will teach her of about the suttas of the Buddha and how they apply to the lives that we all lead. That will be interesting  as we get closer together.
     My ambition to teach meditators some of the intricacies of trading the market continues as I have found a way to work with the most important part of the process. Listening to self. The technical analysis skills I have cobbled from other sources and they are accurate and the actual dynamics pushing buttons seems easy enough but getting a sense of what is happening is useful.
       Going to a Vipassana group tonight they are very good people and it is a privilege to join them  we are reading Tara Brachs'  book" Radical Acceptance" . In that Tara is of prima amigas teachers I have been exposed to this a lot through osmosis.
      Still getting the house painted slowly it is being done beautifully by B  when he has spare time. No problem I trade with him so the cost is fairly low and the house is looking great.
       This report is rather disjointed but it is what I can do.
        I intend to be in Virginia for most of June to return for a treatment and then back to Va for July seeing if I can say until early August. Plans , we shall see.


    

Rage

    My nephew B is in town and for me that is an honor ad a pleasure.  He reads Einstein for light reading. Is still writing his book on the nature of how the mind works and has insights that he shares with me in the most kind and loving way.
      Thursday my ex invited us out to lunch and over to visit her home. I never had been there and was not particularly curious but it was the polite thing to do.
   WHile there B noticed me becoming more and more angry and noticed how the ex by just being who she is inflicted a level of cruelty upon me that she was not even aware of. THe evening after the visit was over  I awoke at two in the morning and found myself really angry with her . A meditation on the anger did not seem to do too much and in a later conversation with B he pointed out the cruelty and how she had a model of behavior that I was not living up to and then would make judgements about with the resultant diminution of me as a person. I keep wanting her to see how painful this is and when she does not I become enraged which because of my own models of behavior I turn against myself.
     Talking to B after the meditation was over we explored the relationship of mental models  and  how they deal with the physical universe.
     I spoke to prima amiga about what had transpired with the ex and she suggested that I write out a letter and put all of the feelings into it. I did so to see before me have venomous and hate-filled  my rage has been.
      To acknowledge to myself and speak the truth to people of how hurtful what they say and what they do are to me is what I understand the prima amiga to mean  as establishing boundaries.
       This rage and pain is difficult to accept in myself but the only way to be free is to go through.