Changes

                
           Went hiking in the white mountains, Mt Escadilla. The third highest mountain in Arizona. Most of the leaves had been washed from the trees in the rain but did get to the place where I could walk back down through the above pictured ravine.
           This is a difficult hike and I could not complete it. I am either out of shape which is often the case when I start getting back in shape after a summer of not being as actively hiking or the the body has weakened that it can not do what was easy before.
           Some of this is of course an aspect of age , and as such must be acknowledged and respected. some of this may be  an aspect of the drugs that the body is subjected to and that must be fought.  Finding that balance is my path. Learning  inner joy is the gift.
            I had a day yesterday that would have thrown me completely into despair  realizing that I had not been as attended on the levels of PSA in the tests I have been given I found myself in panic. However after sitting with this for a few minutes I realized that is was only a wave that was going through me and just as a large wave washes over  a rock on the seashore. It rose and dropped just as surely as the ebb and flow of the ocean.
            It was an exercise in mindfulness and equanimity the rest of the day, there was simply a sense of being present with whatever emotion or pain emerged. It was not difficult since there was not anything to attach to it. The mind functions normally but the awareness of the mind stays still .
            My prima amiga sent me an extensive collection of audio tapes of a teacher named Shinzen Young. I have learned how to transpose the tapes into the computer and have been doing so . While doing so the subject matter on the tapes came to the forefront . Emotional pain, mainly fear, although all emotions for me are not pure but rather a jumbled mess that I can extract one part out of and then another. As each of these are brought to awareness there is a growing realization of what the buddha was talking about when he spoke of impermanence . Nothing lasts including whatever is the flavor of emotional or physical suffering that is being experienced.
           Shantideva the famous 8th century Indian Buddhist philosopher once said that people call to themselves the very thing of which they are most afraid. I certainly do have a great deal of concern and fear about metastatic bone cancer , but not facing the fear will not undo the diagnosis and will certainly make things worse since it will transform into a hell. Facing the fear will allow for the transformation to  awareness rather than running from awareness. It may change the physical nature of the body ,it will change the emotional and psychological nature of the mind.
            It already has.

Late Sunday afternoon

        It is late in the afternoon on Sunday and I have had a day in which using the meditation that I am learning has  brought me up to the old feelings that I would l often have growing up . I notice that I can no longer characterize them  like I used to. I would formerly described them as intense melancholy and I would flee from them mentally as quickly as I could unsuccessfully I might  add . Now it is something that observed closely is like watching a boring TV show.
       I went for a hike after my morning meditation and walked a different route. I walking this route I discovered garbage that had been lying  on the hillside for many years. Cans broken glass shot up bowls all rusty and very unattractive. I picked the garbage up and before I realized it I had more than I could comfortably carry.
       After disposing of the material I drove home and continued a project that I have been doing this week. That of recording into the computer all of the old tapes that have been sitting in the closet.  Winne the Pooh to Understanding Buddhist Psychology, the Ramayana to the Rolling Stones. I have heard what I have collected over the years and have put aside for newer and fresher things.  While playing these tapes I have been playing some computer chess and am gradually getting better. Another thing from my past that I had forgotten and put aside thinking that I had outgrown them.
         In the afternoon I spoke to the prima and now only girlfriend. SHe had been visiting her high school class reunion and spoke of how she had felt the same type of feelings that had been uncomfortable for her in high school had returned and or perhaps had never left. It was unfulfilling then and still is. It brought forth in me the same type of response about that which had not been fulfilled then was not fulfilled now.
           Later I talked to K the woman who I had thought would be a big part of my life and it turned out that she was since she fulfilled the role of catalyst in bringing A and I together into a union.(The desk clerk at the hotel we stayed at in San Antonio called her Ms. Meyer. )Anyway I needed K's help in filling some order forms for Tibetan herbs. She is happy in her new existence and I am happy for her.
           This feeling lasted the request number of hours before it passed and I had an opportunity to look
at it more closely as I become more skilled I will be able to figure out what was going on.
         One of the speculations that I have about this is that it is that it is part of the energy work from John of God . The sensations of having a energetic awareness of so much of my body at these times might be a possible explanation.
          Time will tell.

Following in the footsteps of the three stooges

 Today I learned a great lesson. One should use only dishwasher  detergent in a dishwasher. Had some leftover Palmolive dish soap and threw it into the dishwasher  figuring that it would wash the dishes I guess it does but here are the pictures of the results.

Exhausted:The first day

This was written four days ago on a computer that did not have internet access:

I am tired   , lonely, depressed, and afraid. I guess that just about covers it.

All I need is a dark and stormy night with a broken car and I could write my own country and western song..

            I’m  on  three day meditation retreat and  after a long sleep the first night I got up to the morning meditation and feel asleep. Wound up snoring to boot. Tried to sit up straight this afternoon but realized  that does not help.

            Facing the feelings of loneliness and despair in meditation is the only way through this stuff. I have glimpses of what it is like when I am not possessed by these feelings.  When I can meditate through this I becoming deeply calm and possessed with an inner quiet that reminds me of why I am choosing the path that I am on. But the road to that nirvana is twisting , filled with potholes, narrow and sometimes seems like a dead end. Today it is the later and I am just hanging on to whatever sense of direction that I have  because this is not easy.

            The only way to conquer  these afflicitions of the mind is through them. Experience them in as mindful a way as I can so that they do not become suppressed and have even more deleterious effects that which are no longer acceptable to me. I am tired of the suffering and my attachment to it and wish  I could just give it up. I am determined to do so and that is the path that I am following.

            Knowing that death is certain if  I outlive the affliction of cancer or not makes this all the more compelling.  While this may not sound like it what I am doing is what I know will make a rich life and a peaceful death.  

            I hope that what I am writing in this blog will give some courage and strength to some soul who needs encouragement. 

            The first anniversary of my  biopsy was today and Oct 12 will be the 1^st anniversary of when the results were given to me and the adventure  began. I have lived longer than I expected and except for being tired which  seems to have more to do with  the psychic surgery  and traveling  than anything else I physically feel excellent .

             More days of meditation. CHuladasa , the guy who runs this place was quite kind and forgiving in informing me about the snoring and we agreed to just let me sleep when I need to . But not in the meditation hall.

            I also am doing the Zengar in the afternoon. That is the ekg device that gives biofeedback .  It is suppose to have some noticeable changes in after the 15^th  episode and I just had number thirteen today. One more tomorrow and one Monday and then I will observe whatever that I can .

            

Second day at three day retreat

This was written three days ago while on retreat on a computer that did not have internet access:

I am now in Cochise Stronghold for a three  day meditation retreat. It is based around shamatha Vispassana and will be mostly sitting meditation with some guidance and talking and lat least that is what I expect.

            Since the John of God I have been doing the protocol that accompanies the visit. Drinking some of the holy water not doing any fancy energy work, ie yoga reiki shamans etc. and staying in bed between 12 and 5 in the morning, except for bathroom breaks.

            The results have been that while I feel fine the energy level that I have is subdued and I am devoting my time to playing chess, meditation reading,  hulu- the free movie channel and  talking with the prima amiga about a book that we are reading by Philp Moffit called dancing  with life.

            It is a study of the four noble truths and how they can have a beneficial effect on the mind. It is \ useful in that the other day I got the lab results about the PSA numbers and they are showing a minor rise. That is not good .  The mental consternation that this causes is quite pronounced and if I did not have meditation practice to fall back upon I cannot imagine how I would be able to handle the  anxiety and fear that is engendered. I can look at it as an opportunity to deepen my practice as I watch this news has its effects.

            The blood test was taken before the trip to New York so that is one variable in the equation that has yet to be factored in. Another comes from my urologist who just attended a conference on the subject and has taken me off of Casodex , the oral pill that is a testosterone suppressant. It seems that that may be the cause of the rise.

            The next test will give some more salient information.

            So I have my work cut out for me . Staying present with the news and watching each piece of the play unolf without attachemt,

John of God

     In the plains of Brazil lives a healer know as John of God . A man who at nine years old was visited by entities spiritual beings that directed him by taking possession of his body and using the body to heal people. He has quite a track record and his famous throughout the world.  When I started the journey I felt that I would be going to see him and had prepared myself to go to Brazil/, John was coming to AMerica specifically to the Omega Institute in Rhine beck New York.  A discussion with a friend revealed that he wanted to see John and further discussion revealed that there were two more  pilgrims . We banded together bought our tickets arranged for the event and were on our way.
       In a large white circus tent 1300 people all dressed in white gathered to see the entity and receive the healing blessings that are given. We lined up  in queues several hundred people deep to parade in front of the entity and receive instructions as to whether we would receive a special blessing , or a spiritual intervention,
    The first day I was told to come back for a spiritual intervention. That afternoon I joined t several hundred people getting a spiritual intervention. We were brought  into to the main building from the tent and placed in chairs and rows that facilitated large numbers being blessed in rapid order. THe whole process which involved closing the eyes placing the hand over the heart and  listening to a blessing from the entity,
      I said the pledge of allegiance , It seemed natural ,Then got the blessing from the entity, It was easy. We were then escorted back to the circus tent and given the instruction to go to bed for 24 hours.
       I thought that was a bit long but it turned out about right. All I could do was sleep. And I awoke from that sleep stiff and sore. The explanation is that the entities had done surgery and that we were in recovery mode. It certainly felt as if I had been hit by a truck.
       The following day my fellow pilgrims got their spiritual interventions and I realized that I was the designated driver. Taking all three of them back to the hotel where they could rest. I went for another pass in front of the entity and was told to return the next morning for another spiritual intervention.  THe evening passed very painfully , difficult to sleep aches in hips, backs, fingers, and an intense sense of being in that situation. An intense sense of awareness that made it difficult to sleep.
        I returned to blessing room for the spiritual intervention , received it and was exhausted by the time I walked back to the circus tent. It was  raining very hard and I was difficult to stay dry  even thought I had a raincoat. My energy became weaker and weaker and slept in  house on the campus designed to the weary. Cots were everywhere.
       The pilgrims then started our return journey to Phoenix. Each of us were exhausted and coughing , dizzy and hardly functioning. The long flight was delayed because of weather and we did not arrive until midnight local time in Phoenix.
      I ache, my butt is sore from the sitting, my sinuses are draining , I have an appointment this afternoon to receive the Zometa transfusion . That does not seem wise at the moment.
        I did not take a camera but R took pictures so when he sends it to me I will post it.