Chemo and consciousness

 Two weeks ago I had aport put into the right side of my chest . It allows for easier access for the infusion of the drugs and chemotherapy that I am now undergoing. The following TUesday I received the first dose of taxotere a chemotherapy drug. Since my red blood cell count was very low, anemia ,the cancer is  preventing the formation of red blood cell in the marrow of the bones , I received two pints of blood on the following day.
     Getting blood this way gave me flu like symptoms for three days. Achy bones and an inability to walk more than maybe a 100 yards.
     All this sounds incredibly grim and would be if i had not had the fortune to be able to attend a week long meditation retreat with Shinzen Young a vipassana meditation teacher prima amiga knew many years ago and got me to study with.
   Vipassana meditation is learning to observe the mind with both concentration and detachment. All of the pain is observed intently  but without clinging.
    It is said by this teacher that pain plus clinging equals suffering.
   So at the retreat I got to practice with very heavy duty pain both emotionally and physically. Since I was in an environment that had massage therapists and people who followed the methodology I was able to experience the pain in such a way as to learn how to let go of some of the suffering. As well a get outward relief.
    I do not seek pain this but take this as an opportunity to learn to deepen my appreciation and joy of life. It is very hard but my abilities are growing commensurately.
    Fear arises from the  prospects of what this ordeal demands and where it may end but rather than cling to that fear which would merely amplify the pain I am allowing it to arise and pass through. The less I hold to it the less I suffer. The same with anger, loneliness, and a raft of other painful emotions. Even the physical pain can be worked with and I am getting to practice far more than I wish.
    All interesting words ,but to what end? In more of my meditations I am reaching what I have been taught to call Nirvana, but I rather like the line from the bible about  experiencing  the peace that passeth all understanding. By the end of the week I had gone through enough to realize that a deep sense of equanimity is always available . To me and everyone all of the time. It is merely the practice of doing so strengthens my ability.
     I have experienced this enough to want to share with more people and am hosting a meditation this Friday conducted by phone by Shinzen on the basics of his system. I will provide the background material and answer simple questions .
     What I have talked is the important part of my experience the drugs ,the doctors visits, all of the outward activities I deal with but they are here to help me learn and grow.
      Today I feel good and my niece (my close cousins daughter) is arriving and will be here for  five weeks while I go through two rounds of chemo.
    In November prima amiga will be here for two weeks and we will all be deciding what the next step in this path I need to take.
    The side effects of the chemo are beginning to be observed I am losing hair so I will take a picture of what it currently looks like and will have it all cut off probably late this week. Losing hair can cause suffering, I have heard of a woman who refused all treatment  for her cancer because of her fear of hair loss.
    I have developed much compassion for people in the last few months the common ground of suffering supersedes  the mind made differences between us.

     I apologize for being so tardy at these blogs.

   

WHat's happening

 I could not bring myself to write for the last few months. I have felt good and I have been spending my time with my prima amiga with whom I have shared the most wonderful summer. It is reassuring to me given what I face to realize that the power of love is more important than life. Without love life is meaningless and that is demonstrated over and over to me.
       I got back today from LA where I consulted a doctor who specializes in Prostate Cancer and the news while not without hope is pretty grim. I had been doing an experimental drug trial it is not working, the cancer seems to have spread and the pain has become severe at times. Prayer has transformed my evenings praying that others do not suffer as I  suffer actually helps. It is relieving to believe that my prayer will keeps others from the pain that my body sometimes has and that those who I love will not be repelled or hurt by suffering that I may needlessly inflict while in a form of debilitation.
      I am also getting some acupuncture that has lessened that suffering  that the body endures. At time the pain is but a whisper at times it has all the quietness of a jet airliner at takeoff. Two weeks ago it was breaking the sound barrier now it is more of a quiet rustle.
      The numbers are very poor PSA is over 1000 the cancer leaves me exhausted along with anemia.
        The possible choices have to be agreed upon between several doctors who have told me that I can be cautiously optimistic to another who says that I should start chemo yesterday.
       The best thing that I can think of is to throw a equinox party so that is now part of my plans.
         I will talk  to doctors the rest of the week maybe something will come of it. I promise to write more.

Not much to say

Lots of things are happening I proceed with the Ipilimamub study not knowing if I am getting the drug or not and things get progressively more complex.
      I physically feel fine but am tired and do not seem to recover as quickly from the day after the administration of the drug. Just being tired. The weather is wonderful here which in Phoenix is saying something for mid May.
  DIscovered my ex sister in law reads this blog. Hi. Don't have a clue as to what she really thinks but she  is a kind person so it probably is not all bad.
     Prima Amiga is in Yucca Valley Ca right now with my car. She is in a training that will teach her of about the suttas of the Buddha and how they apply to the lives that we all lead. That will be interesting  as we get closer together.
     My ambition to teach meditators some of the intricacies of trading the market continues as I have found a way to work with the most important part of the process. Listening to self. The technical analysis skills I have cobbled from other sources and they are accurate and the actual dynamics pushing buttons seems easy enough but getting a sense of what is happening is useful.
       Going to a Vipassana group tonight they are very good people and it is a privilege to join them  we are reading Tara Brachs'  book" Radical Acceptance" . In that Tara is of prima amigas teachers I have been exposed to this a lot through osmosis.
      Still getting the house painted slowly it is being done beautifully by B  when he has spare time. No problem I trade with him so the cost is fairly low and the house is looking great.
       This report is rather disjointed but it is what I can do.
        I intend to be in Virginia for most of June to return for a treatment and then back to Va for July seeing if I can say until early August. Plans , we shall see.


    

Rage

    My nephew B is in town and for me that is an honor ad a pleasure.  He reads Einstein for light reading. Is still writing his book on the nature of how the mind works and has insights that he shares with me in the most kind and loving way.
      Thursday my ex invited us out to lunch and over to visit her home. I never had been there and was not particularly curious but it was the polite thing to do.
   WHile there B noticed me becoming more and more angry and noticed how the ex by just being who she is inflicted a level of cruelty upon me that she was not even aware of. THe evening after the visit was over  I awoke at two in the morning and found myself really angry with her . A meditation on the anger did not seem to do too much and in a later conversation with B he pointed out the cruelty and how she had a model of behavior that I was not living up to and then would make judgements about with the resultant diminution of me as a person. I keep wanting her to see how painful this is and when she does not I become enraged which because of my own models of behavior I turn against myself.
     Talking to B after the meditation was over we explored the relationship of mental models  and  how they deal with the physical universe.
     I spoke to prima amiga about what had transpired with the ex and she suggested that I write out a letter and put all of the feelings into it. I did so to see before me have venomous and hate-filled  my rage has been.
      To acknowledge to myself and speak the truth to people of how hurtful what they say and what they do are to me is what I understand the prima amiga to mean  as establishing boundaries.
       This rage and pain is difficult to accept in myself but the only way to be free is to go through.

Ramdom Thoughts

        A beautiful cool spring day here in Phoenix.  The birds are singing the breeze going through the house keeps the temperature very comfortable and I am glad to be alive and especially feeling so good
         The drug ipilimumab is what is being tested upon me at this time perhaps since it is a drug trial it is impossible to say if the drug is affecting me or if other processes are in play.
          For instance I seem to get very hot lot a hot flash and last night I spent several hours sitting up listening to music because I could not sleep.
          My skin feels a little itchy sometimes but is it unusually so is hard to guess. Itching is one of the side effects of the drug but to what degree?  If there is no  sign then am I getting the drug? Not everyone has signs so don't know.
           I am also continuing to do things that are unusual for me in that I have let go to some holding on that I have  had all of my life. I am getting back into the market and in order to do so and trade as a day trader I need to be able to move in and out of a trade in a matter of minutes . My account is not big enough by the rules to do that and I do not want to  go into the principle to provide for the cash so I am parting with old jewelry that my parents had that means little to me and selling it. It helped raise some money for the project. I have some more stuff to sell but it means letting go of things that I was taught was very important .  THe importance is that I realize that nothing is permanent and just let go.
           I have been doing my nurture positive meditations and then using that for understanding the decision  making . That consists of nurturing  my mind with positives  gladdening the mind. When I have practiced that for an hour or two then I can apply the process of making a decision by focusing the mind on a question using the sense of inner hearing seeing and feeling until I have a degree of affinity about an action. By then turning the thought to the opposite using the same focusing process I have sense of the degree of affinity about the opposite of the first inquiry, One sense is more in harmony with how I feel the other  isn't. Decisions become very easy and relatively quick. The process seems quite rational to me  and it allows for changes to take place quickly since thinking about the process is limited to what the mind can do not what it cannot. Very helpful with the market.
         Also very helpful with the health issues. Doctors give me advise that comes across on both side of a decision. Well meaning and knowledgable is helpful but certainly not decisive and that is what is necessary when making these types of decisions.
           It is a great blessing to me that I can use the meditational background that I have to make those decisions . Thanks
           Other things have started I have a new toy an iphone, it is remarkable and something I have quickly learned I cannot live without. THe prima amiga is going to be getting one in fall when her phone contract runs out and she said she would be use mine and I could get the new one. That is way cool. We also will become part of a family plan which cost us less for both of us.
              Prima Amiga and I are planning how to live together it is going at a comfortable pace for the both of us and  there is a lot of joy in sharing.

heavy changes

This morning I arose at 4 to do a meditation that I have come to call nurture positive. It brings me to a deep sense of love and awareness. The joy for me is that it is recreate-able and expansive . Love flows from a boundless well. At the end of the meditation contraction from the state occurs but the boundaries are not as solid as they were before.
   From this state the day proceeded apace I am getting back into the stock market and have been very cautious not trusting my self but with the joy of doing what I I felt comfortable with made some money with the market going up then recognized the turn and made money with the market going down. I  feel like someone who was thrown off his bike and badly hurt getting up and getting back on the machine it was exhilarating.
  In this very delighted state I decided to have some lunch and casually swallowed some pills that were inhaled and I began to choke. Not being able to breathe focuses the mind rather quickly . Starting to turn blue I heard a voice in my head saying not to panic I remembered the heimlich maneuver and contracted my stomach forcing the pills free. With much coughing and chest pain as some of  the pills had dissolved and had been inhaled I spent the next hour spiting up the remains of the pills as well as vomiting. Very intense.
    From there to the dentist and the cleaning of teeth, back home I could only sit.
   I decided to watch the Disney movie UP which involved the loss of a man's life-long companion. From the highs of the morning through the intensity of the days experiences I then became deeply sad at loss for fiction is only a reflection of the illusion of our lives after the sadness had washed through me happiness and satisfaction once again returned. Another expansion and contraction of consciousness.
     I am amazed and grateful at how much and how well   I can respond and how quickly strong emotions are flowing through me.

So much to say

              It has been difficult to write this blog recently not because there is nothing to report but because there is so much  to report.
                Since the last full report I have started taking an experimental drug called Ipilimumab which inhibits the immune suppressors in the system . The drug lets the immune system run wild with the expectation that it will deal with the cancer that it has not been recognizing.
                 The result is that some men have had spectacular results from the drug. Since this is a study there is a 2 out three chance that I am getting the drug and an even smaller possibility that it will be effective if I am. However if effective the results are dramatic.
              My ex is going to the doctors meetings with me and has been very helpful I appreciate her presence. Two professionals talking about a subject let an amateur more easily understand what is happening.
                I have concluded my relationship with the naturopath sending him a card thanking him for his contribution and telling him of the team of doctors ,shamans, medical intuitives and other therapists that I am working with.
                 My meditations proceed apace. Becoming the mainstay of everything in my life. The truth that happiness is within is demonstrated to me on a  daily basis. I often feel surrounded by love and compassion and am deeply grateful for all. The truth is that without the diagnosis all of this beauty and joy would be hidden from me and the diagnosis has been the key to what I am finding.
                I continue to have the house painted and cleaned. It is becoming the place that I long ago loved being at the yard is returning to its park like beauty.Things are working that have not done so in a long time and a tranquility has descended upon the residency.
                I wish health, happiness, ease of heart and safety.