A visit

           My friend K arrives in an hour and we will be spending the next few days together. My aspiration for this visit is establish a strong working  meditational relationship using her skill in mythology to learn how to become an adept at metacognitive understanding . The insights that I have gotten so far in our relationship have been quite profound and I wish to expand upon them and learn even more. It is a great honor to have her visit and though I am a bit nervous about this I am determined to see the depths of  being that can be fathomed with a guru/teacher/friend such as her.  It also should be a lot of fun. I plan to do a lot of meditation as that is what we both are good at and to be around someone who is practicing the same meditation as I am and has comparable skill levels if not even better is a real privilege.

the midnight blogger

      Using meditation one can change the way one feels. Yesterday there was a bit of anxiety emerging from the unfolding of the day. Sat down and by focusing on the physiological sensations and watching the breath gradually transformed the anxiety into a state of delight and contentment. When I write about it does not seem like that big a deal but when I experience it the rewards are wonderful. Knowing the technique of changing ones mental state and practicing it. It is a learned behavior . For me that is amazing. With more practice I believe I can change more situations into states of contentment and as I progress through the process of learning Shamatha I will be able to transform these states faster and more deeply.
         I learned Thursday of what is called the Jahnas which translated means meditative adsorption . It is being able to become so involved in the meditation that all of what is around becomes peripheral to the meditation and the one pointedness is so profound and fulfilling that all else is dross. That skill looms close and I understand what in my mind needs to be observed to achieve that now it remains a matter of practice. Just like playing music or any other skill.
        I have had the good fortune and blessing to be around people who have helped me learn these skills,

        THis week another teacher will be spending several days with me and I anticipate much meditation and learning with a very profound teacher.

Every now and then

           Every now  and then I get an insight into the lives of people whose social mask slips a bit . One of my neighbors whose life is devoted to church ,family , and career was talking to me about what the process that  is happening in this life of mine.
             I described the day I had had in which I had spent six hours meditating. I used the analogy of not having my feet touch the ground. He looked at me wistfully and said he  did not remember when that had last happened to him.
             I was filled with compassion,  He ,his family, you reader,  deserve no less.
May you be safe, may you be happy, may you be healthy, may you enjoy ease of heart.
        
      

Body awareness and mountain hiking

         Awoke feeling okay and then did 40 minutes of body awareness meditation something happened during the meditation that made me very relaxed. Enjoyed it but did not follow up on anything. THen read Andrew Weil's newsletter about the effects of high blood pressure and the feelings of loneliness. Lights went off and I got the answer to my question the other day about loneliness and what to do about it. Body awareness meditation to start . Went for a hike in which the pictures will be included below and on the way home spoke to my cousin who is a nurse. She told me that salt puts blood pressure up. Now I had a second strategy to deal with the situation. Cutdown on salt. Going to try this awhile using both meditation and low salt diet to see what transpires. Interesting how things seem to flow together.
          Below are the pictures I took today.

Smudge

         Being the last of virtually all of the people to know what a smudge ceremony is I had never done one until a week ago. I did not think that I had done a very good job although it was sincere at the end. THis time I did it with some research as to how. So equipped with a gift shell from a shaman,as well as white sage, cedar sawdust from the altar. I played the Hanuman Chalesa and bowed to the spirits of the ten directions. Learned to be inspired  to do this stuff and make up  ceremony that will honor the moment .
       Burned the sage in the shell and moved around the house into every room cleaning the home of that which needed to leave. In the name of Hanuman , be free.

        Did the ceremony right after sunset on the night of the new moon.
Had several hours of meditation and a reiki healing. THe energy around here is getting quite amazing. The reiki healer was having trouble remembering things she needed to do. Had to drive her car down the hill. Had a lot planned to do today found that it was all done by 8:30. Meditation  and reiki filled the day.
    

Last Hike up Picacho Peak

         The state park at Picacho Peak is being closed due to lack of creative thought.  Today was the best weather day left to do the hike so this  blog is going to be more pictures than verbiage.
         The view from the top

                                           The mountain in the distance is Mt Lemmon the snow covered peak outside Tucson.

The Hike down

This is every bit as rickety as it looks

The trail immediately below.

The trail is under the wire

The trail is where the wire is. THis is straight down.

And straight up        

Those are  large saguaros                   Beautiful rocks flowers and saguaros 

The trail runs from the lower right of the picture  to the center left of the picture where the saguaro is.

The picture from behind the saguaros in the previous picture.

          This is the path that runs at the bottom of the sheer face of rock

The rock face that one has to go around.

The end of the trail.

The rest of the day was spent listening to the Dalai Lama book Universe in a Single Atom and routine work including lifting weights.

         Among the other events was I spoke to another of the wrathful deities , My ex. It was fascinating I can tease apart the emotional response to give her the respect that she wants and deserves , keep my own sense of propriety and self worth, and have compassion on the lives of both of us. Takes a little meditation but I feel wonderful.

Pickup Meditation

           Saturday I spent 6 hours meditating, a wonderful series of meditations that were deeply fulfilling. Sunday I decided to do the same thing but knowing that one the afflictive emotions that often happens to me on a Sunday afternoon is loneliness I felt that it would be a good time to address this emotion with meditative quiescence . I sat down and started meditating and the phone rang. It was a good friend of mine IP who called up and wanted to know if he could come over and meditate. I immediately invited him and he arrived about ten minutes later.
            We were doing Alan Wallace's timed meditations (24 minutes) and we did one realizing that the theme of it was sloth and torpor. Repairing to the kitchen we had a cup of green tea when the phone rang . IP's girlfriend was on the line and was invited so the meditation grew. After another 24 minutes I called several other people and invited them and another showed up .In the mean time the girlfriend left.
             This is the first time I have ever played a game of pickup meditation. People would come meditate for as long as they could and leave and others would arrive. I am going to do this more often. I did not however get to meditate on compassion for loneliness .
             This morning another fascinating meditation. However it was not about light and happiness. It was a meditation whose form is  called settling the mind in it's natural state. That is the process of being aware and watching the mind like something that is on a movie screen. What was playing on the screen was feeling and being a failure. All of the things that I labeled as failures in my life, not becoming an eagle scout, losing money on various investments, getting divorced, not living  up to my parents expectations,not living up to my expectations.  Everything that the mind labeled as failures emerged along with the physical feelings that go with those emotions. All of them held in the spaciousness of awareness . All of them just models that did not meet my expectations. The meditation last nearly two hours after which I was amazed and gratified to realize that all the energy that I used to suppress all of that stuff was free and I was happy.

Return of the Prodigal Son

                    THe meditations are becoming an art. Every time that I sit to meditate there is a greater recognition of the dreamlike nature of reality. Every time I get caught in one reality I am learning skills that will allow me to escape the effects of the grasping mind. Sometimes these realities return time and again to give me lots of practice .
                     My neighbor, the wrathful aspect of compassion ,stopped yesterday to tell me of a prostate cancer meeting in LA in Sept. and threatened violence if I did not go. "Hint ,he is not a salesman", I may go but all I could think of at the time was that to kill this body would only hasten then inevitable.
                        Death has become a friend, it keeps me on track. I now have a new way to order my existence. Formerly I would order my existence around living financially frugally . I still live that way but it is not the organizing force in my life. Now the question becomes does the decision follow what the heart recommends . Since I still am dealing with habit patterns of many years the heart is not my absolute ruler as I wish it to be but rather something to which I must closely attend in order to live wisely.
                         I have meditated perhaps 5-6 hours today and am going to return to do more this evening. It is falling into a deep contentment that is the appeal. Round that road are many detours that the mind would like to follow but always returning to the substrate conscious mind is the practice that I am involved in . From the substrate much emerges and in returning to it much vanishes.
                         THe four immeasuarbles ; empathic joy, compassion ,loving kindness , and equanimity , become mediations which applied artfully lead to a balance of mind which is focused and relaxed. Currently the meditation which I am using a great deal is the one of loving kindness. To realize that not only my guru whom I consider the embodiment of the 4 immeasuarbles is not only some one to look to for guidance but to have him become me in the meditation of loving kindness is as fulfilling an experience that I currently can imagine. But with help and guidance from guru the experience will be deeper and also fulfill the other part of my desire and that is for others to feel loving presence in their own lives as I feel him in mine. Since mine is not a jealous god, whatever manner that brings that presence, whatever metaphor is used to achieve that insight is to be honored and respected. Bless you all.
                                Among the many blessings that I am experiencing, one that is quantifiable is the results from the bone scan. My expectations were that there would be relatively no change, the results however point to the improvement in the bones.
                          This of course can and will be argued by the scientific materialists as to the effectiveness of the drug Zometa and I am not currently capable of refuting the entirety of their arguments at this time. However to completely ascribe the results to any one drug that is being administered is in my opinion myopic.
                                If the more one feels fulfilled and at peace with dying the clearer the decisions and the wiser the path. By following wisdom peacefully one can begin to avoid what the great yogi Shantideva observed in that people attract to themselves the very thing of which they are most afraid. It is a very interesting balance to let go of the grasping to life only to realize that in that letting go life becomes richer more fulfilling and dare I say healthier.

                                Physically it has been an active week. The usual Vitamin C transfusion coupled with acupuncture for hay fever, and the transfusion of Zometa has been the medical regime. Hiking the mountain in the picture twice has been on the agenda. Doing so has also caused me to begin to give thanks to the spirit world of the ten directions. S, SW ,W etc.
                         There seems to be much elation from those spirits in being recognized by one who has been so negligent in the past. I feel like the prodigal son .

WOW

So much so fast. I have a fellow shamateer with whom i am collaborating on the Bodichitta project. Our process of healing ourselves . K and I were in the the Shamatha project she in the first group and I in the second. We are two of seventy. We did not know each other from before but met at Alan Wallace's 7 point mind training last month. For us the meeting was magic. She spotted me first and I became aware of her soon after.
The meeting blossomed into an intense discussion of healing. She has a condition that she has absolute belief in being able to change and I have had so many experiences that are so outside of even close to being considered normal that we bonded together in the desire to support each other in the process of healing.
The larger context that we are both committed to is that the work we are doing is based on the understanding that the benefits of this are dedicated to our gurus for the benefit of all sentient beings.
Our meditation teacher Alan gave us out initial instructions into the process of healing. Below are the instructions


(1) Shamatha–– Full body awareness, with emphasis on the earth element.

(2) Vajrasattva Practice of Purification ––Imagine the gunk being pushed out by light. (Head to toe).

(3) Vajrayana––Visualization of pure light (form realm / deity yoga) emanating from the body and expanding into the field.

(4) Shamatha––Awareness of Awareness

(5) Tonglen.


Each of these are concluded with an understanding of how to have faith into guru. To not only have faith but more importantly to trust. Trust that is so pervasive that those doubts which arise into the mind of reasonable people are assuaged and nothing remains but complete trust. Lest ye be like little children ye shall not see the kingdom of heaven. Relearning to have that childlike faith and trust .
THis to me is quite scary as I have believed myself to be rational most of the last few years. However the diagnosis that has been given to this body is terminal and there is no reason to persist in believing that being rational is going to keep this body alive forever if this process works or if it doesn't.

THe ultimate plan is to let go of this body. I have learned enough of the realm of spirit that to hang on to this body through severe pain and suffering is pointless. The life of this body is not so precious to grasp onto it a all costs.
I have spoken to friends familiar with Indian customs and they have alluded to the customs in which the old understood that their time was upon them and went forth into the wilderness and left their bodies to rejoin the great spirit.
Poetic language that describes some of what I have seen in 11th hour work in Hospice and my own intuitive understanding of the passing of my own mother .

Just glowing

                         I am now filled with radiation. Haven been given an injection of a nuclear marker to facilitate the bone scan I was told not to hug small children or get too close to the bellies of pregnant women. After that caveat I was told that the injection is harmless and will dissipate in 24 to 60 hours.  So I am in no danger but I can be dangerous to small children and perhaps lethal to the newly conceived .
                     I wonder if I will glow in the dark. Benignly like a large firefly. However fireflies glow only in their tails. So perhaps if I follow that model I will be able to drop my pants and light up the whole room . Gives a whole new idea to the idea of mooning.
                   Or maybe follow the rudolph the reindeer model and have a glowing nose. THen wherever Istick my nose it will be illuminated.
                   One of my guru buddies said that I was becoming a holy man, with this stuff inside me I may become a man with holes.
                        Maybe I can meditate brighten my heart chakra radioactively and bring the suffering of sentient beings into  a nuclear powered glow of healing.I never realized what delight these images bring.

The retreat

         Another magic day. Getting advise about cleansing and appeasing the spirits of the home with love.  Long talk with my nephew about his book finding  God on Google.

Doing this with love for the kingdom of God is within. Reading some of the books that you gave me.  Sounds a lot like Maharaji stories. Getting closer and closer to lucid dreaming. Recognized while in the dream that too many people had emerged from one part of the dream to another. Not lucid but tantalizing close.

        Had friends over this evening for meditation very wonderful. During the meditation one of the ladies saw a being in front of her who had not been sent an email. When she spoke of it I then formally welcomed the being .
        I was at a 7 point mind training last week at the Santa Barbara Mission with Alan Wallace. THe experience allowed me to once again listen to my meditation teacher expound upon methods of meditation that give deeper and richer meaning to both the art of meditation and the art of life. Several things are key to the practice .
               One of which is Lojang. WHich is the ability to visualize a sentient being  who suffering , visualize that suffering as a dark cloud , visualize ones heart as a bright light and bring the dark cloud into the light and vaporize the suffering. Alan taught a very simple practice of this since the more complicated versions take much longer and need much practice with a good instructor before done without harm to the doer. The advanced forms have you become the being  who is  afflicted . So bringing, for instance, bringing  into your heart the suffering of someone with a psychotic affliction my not be wise if certain safeguards are not observed and they take some time to learn.
              A second is using the practice of SHamatha meditation . Shamatha translates as calm abiding. It is a very basic form of meditation. Sort of the grade school version of meditation practice. It allows for a gradual stage of development in practice which lead one from awareness of the body through several stages to awareness of awareness. In which the awareness ,the meditative quality, is brought back in upon itself.
              What I practiced this week was using the four immeasurables ; loving kindness, empathetic joy,compassion, and equanimity. When one is concentrating in meditation the easiest method is to use the appropriate quality of mind to be in to allow for the concentration to be drawn inward rather than trying to force oneself to concentrate which leads to exhaustion.
            It is an art to do this and I got to practice the art with a Picasso of the practice.
           Today I will have a bone scan in the morning and Vitamin C in the afternoon  might even lift weights , then back to meditation.