getting back to writing

It has been a long time since I have written and each day that I do not write more happens and I feel that I have fallen farther behind and don't want to write. So let me try to do this piece by piece .
    I am going to be posting pictures of what I have been doing as they arrive from relatives and friends. In the hope having a picture be worth a thousand words I am gong to post a lot of pictures. I will caption them and then move on.
     A word about the bodies health. It continues without any pain that seems extraordinary for its age.  The need for stronger glasses to read with after being checked out by an optometrist does not seem unusual.  A desire to sleep more and not be as active in the intense heat of an Arizona summer all seem standard. My prima amiga is concerned about my lungs however the last time we were together I pushed her up a mountain at a much faster rate than she would have walked by herself so her concern does not seem to justified.
       The tests I did by so many doctors show improvement in the physical status of the body.  I continue to learn how to improve on many different fronts since the philosophy of doing so is to treat my entire existence as and integral whole rather that treat body parts as things to fix.
       The plans that I have now will be explored in future blogs. What I am doing now is getting back into being used to the idea of writing about this stuff.

Transitions of living

As you remember I was dissolving a relationship with the consort and strengthening one with Prima Amiga. After I left Maui I went on a ten day meditation retreat and further contemplated my actions since the consort still wished to be involved in being a primary guide to my life. I had a wonderful retreat and upon returning  contacted the consort . We agreed to meet in LA at a TIbetan Doctors office. The doctor she introduced me to. The meeting between us went very well and she has become a devotee of Maharaji( Neem Karoli Baba) . When we parted it was on the best of terms.
I then went to Charlottesville Va where Prima Amiga and I restored the rather fractured  relationship that we had had. We worked laughed and played together to the delight of both of us.
When I returned to Phoenix I found an email from the consort asking if I was going to Virginia in August saying the answer would effect the relationship  . I responded affirmatively and she responded saying that should could no longer help me.
It is for the best. And maharaji has a new devotee.  Strange world that we live in.
I am seeing lots of doctors right now for four month checkups which are doing well. The drugs and heat are tough to deal with but I have weathered an emotional storm that has left me with a solid foundation of a loving relationship that would not have come to this place had the consort not come into my life. It caused Prima Amiga to reevaluate what she wanted , it gave me a chance see what true love looks like . And lead the consort to a guru.
Life is amazing.

Responses and Reactions

I am having a difficult night. Today was the day that Zometa ,the drug that takes calcium from the blood and puts it onto the bones, was administered today by transfusion. It was not a difficult process or painful.  THe reaction that has taken place is not like the original reaction to the drug, which was  an intense overwhelming one of pain and fever like symptoms accompanied by exhaustion and sleep ,  but rather it  is insomnia ,  achiness , and hot flashes.

THe body is reminding me that it needs appropriate loving attention which I am giving it in the manner that I best understand. THe hot flashes are accompanied by visions of abandonment , desertion , and loneliness. All of which I have learned to witness as the grasping of the mind , and in this case the mind reacting to powerful drugs.

In dealing with these circumstances I have opted for a highly unusual approach of meditation and alternative therapies , combined with allopathic medicine. The results have been in the words of many of the physicians remarkable. I will continue in my unorthodox approach . My guru's most famous disciple , Ram Dass gave me the key to this approach in telling me early in the process to follow my heart.  It has been my approach to everything and everyone and remains so . 

Very influential and wise people have come into my life and helped me on that path . Often suggesting yet even more unorthodox methods. When my heart tells me to follow that path I have done so even when not understanding but having faith, Clarifying what following my heart means has been critical to developing the discrimination that is required to choose finer and finer methods of healing the mind , body and soul. No one by my guru  knows what that looks like and I have to feel , look , and listen ever more carefully to what is my path. I having been learning to distinguish  what are the desires of others in whatever reality they are operating from, no matter how loving it seems to them, and  what my guru is guiding me to do. Often painfully for everyone.

When I returned from Hawaii I went into the ten day Shamatha meditation retreat that allowed me to practice letting go . It was accompanied by the deep desire to learn to  work with everyone who was part of my life in healing ourselves.  This physical life will be attenuated by the disease process. It is also being enhanced by that same process. Those who enter closely to me are changed . Their lives  are entwined with mine and proximity to one who is rapidly transforming has a definitive effect.

That effect may or may not be what their conceptions of how something that is  transpiring is suppose to happen but that is what change is about.  If one holds to the conception of how change is suppose to take place then the true birth of the new cannot happen. The process of birth cannot be resisted or ignored.  It may not even be postponed . It can be aborted but only at great cost.

Enounters

         I have been in Charlottesville Virginia for the last week. It was one of the best weeks I have had. I did very little but work hard , cook , make a bed ,and enjoyed myself with someone I love.
        The work was hard . We weeded a large yard with a device called a hula hoe which cuts plants off below the surface from their roots and sometimes pulls the roots out also. The work was simple the hours were long the joy was wonderful. There was not a great deal that was said as communications became  simple and direct. It lead to an understanding of each others meaning at the basic meaning of who we are and what we are to each other and with each other. When we did talk in the evening it was to root out the differences in our perception to understand what the other persons weaknesses were and to allow for those understandings to be clarified and discussed .
        My prima amiga had just returned from Bernie Glassman's bearing witness retreat held in Poland at Aushwitz. The Nazi concentration camp. To meditate in a place like that where so many souls were so violently separated from the bodies is inspiring and taxing. The effect is profound and moving and leaves one  deeply touched.
        My prima amiga talked of her experiences at length. As much as she said I could not help get the feeling that the words were only a poor substitute for all she had felt and I am sure that there is much that she must look at to grasp the deeper meanings from the teaching that she received.
        For myself  it is somewhat difficult to express what went on emotionally since this is a work in progress.
        I understood how tragedies in my family from 50 years before I was born brought forth in my life suffering that I could not understand . I was afraid as a child that my parents would leave me. It never happened and they did no such thing but I was terrified of the situation. With a little reflection and kindness that was given to me I began to understand that my grandmother had treated my mother with a great deal of emotional distance. My mother was the last of 6 children four of whom had died before she was born. My grandmother in her grief had learned not to be too attached to her daughter since she had no idea whether she would live as she had lost so many before my mothers birth.
        As children mature they move away from mom into the world , when they become frightened they run back to mom. Safe again they return to the world. Only to return when in need of reassurance.
         If a mother cannot be there for the child in a healthy manner the child can become very anxious. ANd so it goes for generations. I got to see this in action and realize now it has effected my whole life. Since I do not have a lot of other vices which can substitute for that missing affection the process wells up  at inopportune moments and keeps me from being fully present with those whom I am around.
         The joy of Vipassana Buddhism is that as one practices the art of awareness which is mind blowing simple to understand and demonically difficult to put into practice. As the emotion courses through watch the body I watch as things get tight, loosen, constrict again move to another part of the body and become loosened yet again. Easy to describe but difficult to do when you are caught in some overpowering state of mind.
        Oh well practice practice practice. Seems I have to learn the lesson over and over .

Coming back to earth

Tonight I took the pink pill given by the TIbetan Doctor to help clean the liver . THis pill and nothing else. THe idea is to take the pill between 12-5 am  and then eat raw food for the rest of the day.  I have to get up several times a night anyway so the opportunity to take a pill and that time was no intrusion. The pink pill is a number of herbs wrapped in a tiny pink cloth. I took it up and promptly dropped it on to a pink and blue rug. It took a minute of two to find it. After offering to the guru, unwrapping , and chewing I swallowed and awaited the results. While awaiting I went out on the balcony to look at the moon an to my surprise I saw what was in the first picture. Fascinated with all thoughts of sleep vanished I took pictures for the rest of the night and on into morning.

The pill had the possibility of  being very strong on the emotional system but the day passed and nothing presented itself in such a way as to put me into despair or dismay.

THe purpose of the pill is to expedite the cleansing of the liver to help it rid the toxic chemicals that building in it from the drugs that are being given to the body. 

       First spent the morning making veggies for stir-frying. My diet is rather restricted lots of beans rice bitter veggies i.e. dandelion greens,kale,chicory arugula etc turnips only almonds for nuts tofu etc. 

       It is like being diabetic and then having all of the really tasty sweet anything taken off of the menu on top of it. As I share with friends about recipes that should improve.

       Talked to the Prima Amiga today. Life being what it is the wheel of dharma has been turned and we are back together or at least going to spend some time together. The moments that started with the consort have been transcended and to my amazement and delight have transformed into a fast friendship. I enjoy her company and am deeply indebted to her for her kindness ,love and guidance. I am also  clear as to what the boundaries that I wish to set with the relationship . THe consort has taken my guru for her own and transfered to him the title of husband. She and I understand each other very intimately , lovingly , and with respect and admiration. I cherish our friendship.

               I wish however to spend my life with the Prima Amiga . That friendship needs attention. It was strained over the last month . It has a lot that needs to be understood between us but the process of doing so is fun and has a solidity to it  . 

Impermance

            The drugs that I am fighting are very intense they rob the body of testosterone which in turn makes it difficult to get motivated. They are hard on the liver, kidneys ,and several other organs in the body. The general prognosis for someone like me , unmarried,living alone, and  with out a family is three years of life.  I can only imagine what some of the mental effects these drugs are having on me. It is hard to imagine that any of it is positive.          
         They lead me to force myself to stay centered and active. They force me to live a very intense life . During two weeks in the middle of the month of July I will have eight different encounters with the allopathic medical community,  The support that I get from the sangha (spiritual community )  is appreciated but because the bodies  physical condition is so good  I generally do not need physical assistance the psychological on the the other hand is a different type of intense.
             The whole allopathic healthcare community is scripted to treat patients as sick people whose infirmities need to be taken care of . They feel responsible to be the people whose knowledge will heal whomever gives them the power over their  lives. It is how the whole system is designed to work . Authority to heal is passed up to the knowledge worker who has the requisite skill to attend the ailment.  The successful in the system are those who are either knowledge workers of comparable skills or those who have a deep faith the efficacy of the system or  find the knowledge worker does the right thing .
          I fit none of the above. This bodies ailment is not curable with allopathic medicine. I have no hope since to have hope is to suffer since hoping is taking a belief in a future outcome that may or not take place and leads to being distracted from being aware of being in the present .
          The support I get from the allopathic community is perfunctory . correct , and dehumanizing. These are not evil people doing evil things , they are good people who are in a system not of their own making but one in which they believe for they have not seen anything else. I cannot share what I am doing with them since it is too beyond the pale of there models. A simple example will suffice. The urologist gave me a glowing report as to the success of what I was doing and encouraged me to continue. Several minutes later when asked of using Vitamin C transfusions his response was to off handed ridicule.
          The healing is something that has to be done for not just the organs of the body, but the whole person and in an even larger sense the healing of everyone. This healing has to be acceptance of  all the potential outcomes with equanimity and grace .
          The spiritual retreats that I  attend make me  more and more aware of existence and the nature of being and the exquisite gift that life is. In embracing death as a certainty it gives a freedom to act with a degree of insight and clarity that I have not been party to  for many years.  I am grateful for this gift.
           In Maui  I met wonderful beings who are following the path to self-awareness and enlightenment . It is not surprising how close to the surface suffering is to our ideas of reality. For my roommate it was the dissolution of a long standing relationship for another couple the destruction of a friendship being wrought by the inability of someone to accept the inevitability of change.
            Even if one is not following a path of self awareness change will take place .In the current ecological disaster the President of BP was quoted saying that he wanting his life back. His world of wealth and power has shattered and he is exposed to the inevitability of change , My friend B who works as a Hospice CNA tells of many of the people who come to the hospice totally unprepared and in denial about their positions.  He has a story of one attorney who was terminal who could do nothing but attempt to negotiate and fight with everyone.
           Gandhi was shot and killed , perhaps the most dramatic way one can deal with change in a life. His response was to say  Ram calling out the name of god  in his last moment. Heart focused so intensely focused on the divine that it was all there was for him at that moment.
           The last few weeks have been filled with reminders of impermanence . An affair of the heart evaporated as quickly as it began. A long standing friendship which was laid aside , has blossomed into something that has become richer and more fulfilling. An appreciation on both our parts of the nature of impermanence.
           Even as I write this I understand that the nature of change will sweep away whatever reality that I have ascribed as being true.  Which leads me to meditation and the ten day silent retreat that I participated in . The first days were to rest from all of the travels the middle half were to slowing down and appreciating being able to silent letting thoughts drift slowly out of awareness to be replaced by just being . The last two days were spent enjoying the exquisitry of breathing, Ever breath became life anew . Hours were spent in the exalted state of being.  The mind faded farther and farther into prominence .

        I have much to learn of my craft , an English word that means both a means of making a living and a boat,

A few days home and off again

“Out beyond ideas of wrongdoing and right doing, there is a field. I will meet you there.”

Jalal ad-Din Rumi quote        This is going to be short. I am between meditation retreats and am leaving for the second one in an hour or so.        I have been in Maui with Ram Dass on a Sacred pilgrimage. I can not do justice  to all that transpired in the little time that I have here. It was another step in my sadhana(spiritual path) that I am processing into my neural network.        I am off to a ten day meditation retreat to practice Shamatha , my preferred form of meditation.  It is being held in southern Az with a man named Culadasa. I have met him in Tucson and like what I heard so I will see.