Not knowing

         There  is a wonderful Buddhist teaching about not knowing. The buddha taught that death was certain but that the time of death is completely unknown. The teaching leads to the obvious fact that we therefore do not know what the future is to bring yet we live our lives as if we are to live forever and that what we are experiencing is permanent. The wonderful thing that I am grateful for is that I see that illusion very clearly now for what it is.
      When I went to the doctors office I had made peace with what I believed to be an inevitable and that was that chemotherapy was the major option left to me. I sat with my friend S ,who very kindly accompanied me giving me moral support and taking notes. We waited for the doctor for 30 minutes during which time we meditated , am I grateful for that skill, and talked about prima amiga and how we had met and come to have the relationship that we do. The prima amiga called me right before I walked into the office cubicle and gave me a quick transfusion of love that she  does so easily for me.
       The doctor came in with a smile and  started to  examine the data that was being presented. Some numbers cause concern rapidly increasing PSA , but other results show improvement such as bone scans and others leave uncertainty such as CT scans .  However the doctor left the impression that there was no need to not only start chemo but that the exact opposite would be the best course of action.  There are some courses of action that are available that would be precluded if chemotherapy were done.
        It was a relief  to hear this and then of course come the Buddhist teaching of not knowing. If I let my equanimity get tied to these various opinions I am sunk. If I can continue to rest in the moment without clinging to anything then the better decision can be made.
         Physical sensations are my next challenge. Exploring these mindfully is the task that I will set for myself since at this stage I notice  that everything has a tenderness about it that the mind transforms into some very unhelpful imaginations. Breath and awareness to the rescue.
       I am preparing to go to LA on Tuesday to  visit with the Prostate Oncology Specialists
and determine what they have to say . I visited with my GP this afternoon to hammer down the ideas that I will need to ask about when I visit LA.

       My attention is certainly focused in the last few days and I meditate at almost every opportunity. Since I have only questions which merely lead to more questions I am at the place where I really don't know. Nothing to do but breathe into that and relax.