The prima amiga noticed that I was having urinary frequency and suggested that I get a check up. Even though my ex went yearly my neighbor had prostate cancer . Until a certain awareness was apparent , grace in the form of someone who loves me and said it with concern and without judgement , I could not hear.
Likewise with last night I have done breathing exercises body scans and yoga but always from the viewpoint of the head.
Laying awake wanting to sleep I started doing muscle relaxation with the breath one of the simple as dirt exercises that anyone yogi or meditator would know. I started doing them and immediately watched as my mind said" this is boring and then the voice from the guru rejoined with a question "You want entertainment?"
The answer was obvious even to me, Of course not! I want to sleep. Turning my attention back to the process of relaxing the body the thought occurred to me that even if I do this the rest of the night at least I will really be relaxed in the morning. WIthin a minute I was fast asleep.
The next step in the process this morning came after awaking and realizing that I felt guilty for having been so foolish and obstinate for so long. In my mind, doing something so foolish for so long in the face of so many people telling, nay, yelling it at me is a golden opportunity to belittle myself and feel shame . Not letting go of another opportunity the process of shame and belittlement started again. This time with the very thing that had been ignored these many years came to save me.
By breathing deeply in to the the physical sensation that was being generated by the thoughts of shame and belittlement another wave of letting go took place and the shame, the belittlement, and the berating, stopped. To be replaced by a deep sense of forgiveness and release.
A realization came that I can not change things until I am ready to hear . No more than anyone who finally hears the message of love and forgiveness that is our eternal birthright.
My nephew, B ,has a phrase which I think sums this up beautifully , "Things aren't until they are, and then they always were." I wasn't forgiven until I was and then I always had been.
Original sin has for me the meaning of what I have done to myself and suffered the consequences for . I do no think many people feel that I have transgressed them or their sensibilities, the prima amiga will no doubt let me know otherwise, but if I have, they are not acts of deliberation but rather acts of ignorance.
Since I have begun the path of self forgiveness and rebirth within myself asking forgiveness of others when I become aware of it seems easy, although it probably isn't. It certainly is easier than what I have been doing to myself.
The morning did not stop there. Sitting in the mediation hall we were chanting Om Mane Padme Hu, ( Hail to the Jewel in the Lotus) Essentially paying homage to the Buddha in ourselves and others. It felt wonderful ,my whole body was singing.
This is going to be an interesting day.
Contraction and expansion were the themes for this mornings meditation and talk. In watching my mind I noted that the awareness contracted inward and became concentrated or would expand outward and become more diffuse. As I would meditate the thought of the coming weeks activities would emerge and I would note that there would be an expansion of the consciousness and I would would breath into the feeling that were caused be the contraction that fear the the imagination would give me as to what may be the results of tests.
Life expands death contracts and both are a natural and unavoidable part of being . I am working with this.
Guess that I have had enough breakthroughs for the day the rest of the time was spent in getting use to the system of awareness that Shinzen is working with, lots of rich stuff.
Nothing else except went for a walk this afternoon to the top of a local ridge , a good hike but I fell in a cactus patch, nothing hurt but one of my favorite jackets is now loaded with thorns and I will abandon it here tomorrow.
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