Riding out the calm

       Got back from Simon Med for the first part of the bone scan. N , the tech told me that I will set of the alarms at the airport if I try to board a plane. That certainly makes me feel safer.
Things are looking a bit grim from the standpoint of life extension. PSA is rising even with the testosterone suppressant.

         Not to be entirely gloomy however N noticed on the x-ray pictures that the area around the breast bone is glowing. Radioactively is what he meant and also that since I had never had surgery on the chest he said that it is a good sign that healing is taking place. 

        To place hope in words like these is the natural reaction and I had it and I realized that I have been through the highs and lows of this game before so I therefore merely watch it as reactions that the body has. If the mind gets trapped into either fear or hope it is out of the moment and dukha(suffering) follows. By staying in the moment news is adsorbed, the bodies reactions are honored, and I can choose to stay with them or relax into them. 

         Friday I will see the oncologist and find out her recommendations. That will be followed by a week with Shinzen Young  studying the subject of dealing with emotional and physical pain.Then I will have to make decisions . Prima Amiga will be through with her retreat at Barre Ma. and will have a major voice in what I will be doing. I have learned enough to go into non-dualism around this subject and the process of dying so while the challenges are big I have and am developing the skills to work with them.
For instance ,last night I watched as I feel asleep. It was on an out breath.
Lucid dreaming is  more accessible but control is awful. One of the great things is that dreams and reality become so blurred in my meditation that I can carry that reality into some of the intense situations that I am facing.

        I talked to K  the therapist I see occasionally. She was interested in seeing Shinzen also. We spoke of the situation and I heard myself talk from my soul as to how well I am doing , it was reassuring. We also talked about the growing relationship with Prima Amiga and how I went to see K in part to reassure Prima Amiga of my centeredness since we are so involved she does feel objective about what she is listening to.Things like my need for boundaries and joining

          We talked of the faith that I have in Prima Amiga and how strong it has become that she will do the right thing for both of us. I have that faith.

            Also talked about this morning and having phone love making. Came upon both of so fast we did not realize it. Great fun and love.

           I am now at home and at peace grateful not to have to listen to callers asking for my vote.