It is time for a bit of reflection and repose. Since my last posting I have gone to Los Angeles to interview a cancer oncologist . Returned somewhat shell shocked had two very intense nights of meditation ,made appointments to see two more oncologists, spoken to my internist about what is available in the way of treatments, talked about the meetings with a shaman, got a transfusion of Zometa, worked out every day at least an hour, dispose of all of my picture albums ,and slide carrousels , and have managed to meditate at least two hours every day.
The meditation is what keeps things together. I have become so attuned to the states of mind and body and how to not go into suffering that it is becoming something of a second nature.
In LA I found myself falling into fear n the doctors office. What I was able to do in real time was to break the parts of the experience into their constituent parts explore the consciously and then rearrange the parts to my benefit and stableness of mind. I necessity in the situation.
This is not easy but I am getting lots of practice so that i am getting good at it.
Went to a book discussion group last night the subject is Buddha's Brain by Rick Hanson I could keep focused on what everyone had to say and could pretty much recall what each of the ten people had to talk about.
I disposed of all the metal that I had in the yard and am sending the ivory statues to all of my cousins grandchildren. Also am painting the house in preparation for sale.
Now I will be returning to meditation and thence to bed. I am tired.
Friday, February 25, 2011
Sunday, February 20, 2011
Steps to preparation
For those of us who live alone and do not talk to a many people there is a tendency to think of oneself in many circumstances where thinking of my partner is much how to have a relationship.
The Prima Amiga has some justifiable grievances with my behavior in that I can be self centered and not curious enough to pursue what her feeling motivations and perceptions are on relationship matters. She has been patient in explaining them to me and I have not caught on in many instances. Anyway last night we had a clearing of the air. It is interesting to be open and vulnerable with someone with whom you are arguing. To argue from that place is healthy and a little scary since there is no telling what the outcome will be.
What was evident to me is that the argument can proceed and still have a fixed notion that it for the strengthening of the relationship rather than tying to achieve some form of superiority.
She has vulnerabilities that come from her past and I am learning how they affect her present . I am also learning how to be a bit more sensitive of who she is and how to respond rather than react to those periods when she has opened her heart and needs loving attention.
Long difficult conversation but necessary for the two of us to continue to build trust and openness between us .
Slept in late had my old yoga teacher T stop by and pick up all of the clay pots that I had acquired over the years.. Her son has anger issues and I got to see them when he worked for me. He is smoking pot and does not have the ability to keep his demons at bay when that is happening.
Went to meditation this afternoon and then took some pictures for sunset.
Tomorrow is Zometa transfusions and a visit with a Shaman.
The Prima Amiga has some justifiable grievances with my behavior in that I can be self centered and not curious enough to pursue what her feeling motivations and perceptions are on relationship matters. She has been patient in explaining them to me and I have not caught on in many instances. Anyway last night we had a clearing of the air. It is interesting to be open and vulnerable with someone with whom you are arguing. To argue from that place is healthy and a little scary since there is no telling what the outcome will be.
What was evident to me is that the argument can proceed and still have a fixed notion that it for the strengthening of the relationship rather than tying to achieve some form of superiority.
She has vulnerabilities that come from her past and I am learning how they affect her present . I am also learning how to be a bit more sensitive of who she is and how to respond rather than react to those periods when she has opened her heart and needs loving attention.
Long difficult conversation but necessary for the two of us to continue to build trust and openness between us .
Slept in late had my old yoga teacher T stop by and pick up all of the clay pots that I had acquired over the years.. Her son has anger issues and I got to see them when he worked for me. He is smoking pot and does not have the ability to keep his demons at bay when that is happening.
Went to meditation this afternoon and then took some pictures for sunset.
Saturday, February 19, 2011
The news is mixed
I have dragged out an old juicer and will start that next along with seeing a Shaman on monday and the doctor in LA Tuesday.
Thursday, February 17, 2011
The advise of a medical intuitive
I just got off the phone with J C ,a medical intuitive, and got his review of what I am doing. He said that 80% of it is very effective and he was not overly encouraging or discouraging about the rest.
His recommendations of things to change were to do deeper breathing and do tapping on the hypothalamus. Also start juicing so the digestive system could get more concentrated forms of energy that would not be as difficult to digest.
He recommended acupuncture for the liver and spleen.
He gave me the number of P W to talk to about Light Works photo-Therapy and I said I would talk to her but needed my internist B W to sign off on this before I would start any different therapies.
We reviewed the herbs and vitamins and some of Tibetan herbs. His caution was that it may be too many things that are being worked with.
Also reviewed exercise regimes and he gave me the same general advise that the Tibetan doctor did with not too much heavy exercise but enough to maintain muscle mass and cardiovascular strength.
He also recommended against massage. Although I did not get specific with him as to what types.
Wednesday, February 16, 2011
The countdown begins
Listened to Bruce Lipton the author of 'The Biology of Belief ' in a series of lectures dealing with how a cell is controlled in it's environment. The series makes for fascinating listening and discussion. His hypothesis is that environment controls the function of a cell and when an environment is under stress it shuts down the immune system for flight or fight. When the immune system is not being used the system it lets the organism go into safety mechanism however when the system is not under stress then the opposite of protection happens to a cell and that opposite is growth. Growth allows a system to heal itself and become well again. Much as a river that has been polluted badly will clean itself if the toxins are stopped from being dumped into the water.
According to Lipton the greatest environmental impact on the growth of a cell is the presence of love.
" All we need is love',
John Lennon
Monday, February 14, 2011
Valentine Day
I was given a gift of a Valentines day meal arrange by Prima Amiga through J who is the chef that provides my meals for me. It was Heirloom tomato soup, arugla salad, gnocchi , and chocolate strawberries for desert. What a wonderful mind blowing gift delicious, creative, loving and deeply appreciated.
Last night we had a ver long conversation of the meta variety. Looking at what we were saying and it roots in our beings while the same time going through the emotions of the moment. These conversations can be difficult but the results that occur after the conversations have been a recommitment to the relationship that is stronger and clearer and much more fulfilling.
Yesterday was busy in that I spent a great deal of time studying by telephone with Shinzen Young. The subject was feel focus. This is used technically to describe the location of awareness and how it changes and how to observe those changes.Just part of my learning curve . Spent three 45 minute meditations doing that. THen went to the Vipassana meditation group at the bookstore. Afterwards the subject of mindful eating came up and I decided to throw a party and have everyone do mindfulness eating at the party. Have to learn it since I seem to be the one that is going to lead it.
Cleared the yard of more trash getting it ready for sale , told my next door neighbor that I was not gong to get involved in his scheme to stop the neighbor from leaving an illegal fence , he had said that he were gong to advise me he would advise against and I decided that htat was the correct advise.
Have been listening to Bruce Lipton the author of the Biology of Belief on youtube. He described his work with stem cells and how he noticed that they would be able to turn into any type of cell by merely controlling the environment that it is subjected to . From this he leads a rather logical group of steps in which he concludes that the environment of the subconscious if changed is the way that healing is the most possible. I get it.
Last night we had a ver long conversation of the meta variety. Looking at what we were saying and it roots in our beings while the same time going through the emotions of the moment. These conversations can be difficult but the results that occur after the conversations have been a recommitment to the relationship that is stronger and clearer and much more fulfilling.
Yesterday was busy in that I spent a great deal of time studying by telephone with Shinzen Young. The subject was feel focus. This is used technically to describe the location of awareness and how it changes and how to observe those changes.Just part of my learning curve . Spent three 45 minute meditations doing that. THen went to the Vipassana meditation group at the bookstore. Afterwards the subject of mindful eating came up and I decided to throw a party and have everyone do mindfulness eating at the party. Have to learn it since I seem to be the one that is going to lead it.
Cleared the yard of more trash getting it ready for sale , told my next door neighbor that I was not gong to get involved in his scheme to stop the neighbor from leaving an illegal fence , he had said that he were gong to advise me he would advise against and I decided that htat was the correct advise.
Have been listening to Bruce Lipton the author of the Biology of Belief on youtube. He described his work with stem cells and how he noticed that they would be able to turn into any type of cell by merely controlling the environment that it is subjected to . From this he leads a rather logical group of steps in which he concludes that the environment of the subconscious if changed is the way that healing is the most possible. I get it.
Saturday, February 12, 2011
Putting observations together
The Tibetan doctor who I saw Wednesday gave me a new group of herbs in pill form. My internist wants the makeup of these products so that we can coordinate the building of the immune system.
In the evening attended a meditation and dharma talk. The talk was one more of question and answer and I focused on an answer to one question in which Chuladasa , the teacher, said that in order to meditate more deeply it is helpful to observe those experiences that allow the mind to best more at ease,happy, and in repose and to associate that with other experiences in the mind to let go into those states rather than do as much randomly.
The next morning I tried that. Rick Hansen has written a book :"Buddha's Brain", that I am reading and in it he describes that effects of some of the hormones that the body produces. One of them is oxytocin which is associated with the sate of happiness and well-being in the body.
So associating the state of well being with oxytocin and the state of flight or flight with adrenalin I began several hours of meditation observing how when the mind became calm and restful and happy that I defined that as the state of being under the influence of oxytocin and as I observed in the meditation that other hormones would emerge.
I had a big hint of the adrenalin effect when I was talking to Prima Amiga on the phone and she became scared because their was a strange shape at her door and the electricity had failed and night had fallen.
WHen I heard the beginning of panic in her voice I felt a flood of adrenaline wanting to do something immediately, interesting since we were 3000 miles apart but that has nothing to do with physiology . My body was set to jump into action. It was primeval and intense. It turned out in was a friend of hers who came earlier than expected but the sound of PA's voice on initial hearing set me up for a flight or fight response.
Having a strong insight into those two hormones activated in the body, I meditated and realized that that adrenalin is also present when I am excited and that I have consistently conflated excitement and happiness. The two hormones act together in the system. By meditating I can tease out the effect of each individually. My relaxing the body and letting go of the adrenalin the mind became very calm and serene. By allowing the oxytocin to continue to flood in great satisfaction and well being emerged.
This seems to be a state of shamatha meditation in which the mind is intensely alert and the body is deeply relaxed and that the two are balanced.
After several hours of meditation I started my return to Phoenix stoping by the Catalina mountain state park for a walk in a beautiful desert park that I had never been to. As I was hiking into the park someone had a beautiful little Welsh Corgi which looked a great deal like my little Corgi named Foo, whom I still miss.
One of the most unusual things that saw was a prickly pear cactus growing out of a notch in a mesquite tree.
On the way home listened to SHinzen on Cd's and he diverted into the subject of the
Korteweg-de Vries equation. Called B , my nephew and we got into a long conversation about the equation and how it relates to some of the meditations that I am doing. Also got into the subject of using models to create more encompassing understandings.
My hypothesis is that meditation of the oxytocin enhancement will strengthen the immune system since it pours hormones that are nurturing and relaxing into the system combating some of the effects of stress and adrenalin
Prima Amiga seems to believe that I am over thinking this but is encouraging none the less.
Today I am getting the house rugs put back as I had the carpets cleaned right before I left and let them dry while I was gone. Then there is a four hour phone conference that SHinzen is giving. I like the idea but my ell phone is going to be a pain to hold for tat long. I comes over tonight for pizza and then more tomorrow.
The comic relief for the day came from my niece S who in trying to get her new car registered in Ohio discovered that the Dept. of Motor Vehicles needed to have written proof that she was a female. Always wondered about her.
In the evening attended a meditation and dharma talk. The talk was one more of question and answer and I focused on an answer to one question in which Chuladasa , the teacher, said that in order to meditate more deeply it is helpful to observe those experiences that allow the mind to best more at ease,happy, and in repose and to associate that with other experiences in the mind to let go into those states rather than do as much randomly.
The next morning I tried that. Rick Hansen has written a book :"Buddha's Brain", that I am reading and in it he describes that effects of some of the hormones that the body produces. One of them is oxytocin which is associated with the sate of happiness and well-being in the body.
So associating the state of well being with oxytocin and the state of flight or flight with adrenalin I began several hours of meditation observing how when the mind became calm and restful and happy that I defined that as the state of being under the influence of oxytocin and as I observed in the meditation that other hormones would emerge.
I had a big hint of the adrenalin effect when I was talking to Prima Amiga on the phone and she became scared because their was a strange shape at her door and the electricity had failed and night had fallen.
WHen I heard the beginning of panic in her voice I felt a flood of adrenaline wanting to do something immediately, interesting since we were 3000 miles apart but that has nothing to do with physiology . My body was set to jump into action. It was primeval and intense. It turned out in was a friend of hers who came earlier than expected but the sound of PA's voice on initial hearing set me up for a flight or fight response.
Having a strong insight into those two hormones activated in the body, I meditated and realized that that adrenalin is also present when I am excited and that I have consistently conflated excitement and happiness. The two hormones act together in the system. By meditating I can tease out the effect of each individually. My relaxing the body and letting go of the adrenalin the mind became very calm and serene. By allowing the oxytocin to continue to flood in great satisfaction and well being emerged.
This seems to be a state of shamatha meditation in which the mind is intensely alert and the body is deeply relaxed and that the two are balanced.
After several hours of meditation I started my return to Phoenix stoping by the Catalina mountain state park for a walk in a beautiful desert park that I had never been to. As I was hiking into the park someone had a beautiful little Welsh Corgi which looked a great deal like my little Corgi named Foo, whom I still miss.
One of the most unusual things that saw was a prickly pear cactus growing out of a notch in a mesquite tree.
On the way home listened to SHinzen on Cd's and he diverted into the subject of the
Korteweg-de Vries equation. Called B , my nephew and we got into a long conversation about the equation and how it relates to some of the meditations that I am doing. Also got into the subject of using models to create more encompassing understandings.
My hypothesis is that meditation of the oxytocin enhancement will strengthen the immune system since it pours hormones that are nurturing and relaxing into the system combating some of the effects of stress and adrenalin
Prima Amiga seems to believe that I am over thinking this but is encouraging none the less.
Today I am getting the house rugs put back as I had the carpets cleaned right before I left and let them dry while I was gone. Then there is a four hour phone conference that SHinzen is giving. I like the idea but my ell phone is going to be a pain to hold for tat long. I comes over tonight for pizza and then more tomorrow.
The comic relief for the day came from my niece S who in trying to get her new car registered in Ohio discovered that the Dept. of Motor Vehicles needed to have written proof that she was a female. Always wondered about her.
Thursday, February 10, 2011
Just reporting
Just reporting what is going on is hard to keep up with. Tuesday I went back to see my friend K in his bed. I had talked to R my niece about speech recognition programs for a Wintel machine and she found that there were some programs on the machine that were built into the software. I was on the phone as I opened the program for R to lead me through. K saw what it involved and we tried some of it out. It worked well for me but K's voice was so weak that the computer would not respond.
I went over to Best Buy and purchased a headphone speaker system so that his voice would me projected directly into the speaker and not have to compete with ambient noise. When I left him he was doing his version of yelling into the computer which is good for him in that it gives him a certain amount of exercise breathing.
Wednesday I got an email from him asking that I come by to help with more software problems. He had mastered the program to a level that I found amazing. It is slow compared to keystrokes but he can't do any keystrokes so this is blazing fast for him.
THe problem was more complex that he told me of and way beyond what I would know about however R was just a phone call away and within a few minutes she had figured out an answer that he applied and was off and running with his new skill.
My hope is he he will find some chat room where much more knowledgeable people can help him.
Kudos to R for being right there to help and I am thankful that I got to play a small role in this deed.
Tuesday I also went to a Rumanian healer who lives here in town. Interesting I could feel the whole left side of my body and there was a warmth that was not unlike the hour worth of bowls that I had experienced Sunday.
Also Tuesday evening the Prima Amiga and I discussed the options that I have medically and what decisions and actions that I am going to have to make.
What would take me long hours with mixed results took half an hour and I feel strong and secure about what is transpiring.
Cleaned house Wednesday morning getting the dust out of the bedroom. Seemed to work I did not sneeze all evening. In the evening Prima AMiga and I just played.
I went over to Best Buy and purchased a headphone speaker system so that his voice would me projected directly into the speaker and not have to compete with ambient noise. When I left him he was doing his version of yelling into the computer which is good for him in that it gives him a certain amount of exercise breathing.
Wednesday I got an email from him asking that I come by to help with more software problems. He had mastered the program to a level that I found amazing. It is slow compared to keystrokes but he can't do any keystrokes so this is blazing fast for him.
THe problem was more complex that he told me of and way beyond what I would know about however R was just a phone call away and within a few minutes she had figured out an answer that he applied and was off and running with his new skill.
My hope is he he will find some chat room where much more knowledgeable people can help him.
Kudos to R for being right there to help and I am thankful that I got to play a small role in this deed.
Tuesday I also went to a Rumanian healer who lives here in town. Interesting I could feel the whole left side of my body and there was a warmth that was not unlike the hour worth of bowls that I had experienced Sunday.
Also Tuesday evening the Prima Amiga and I discussed the options that I have medically and what decisions and actions that I am going to have to make.
What would take me long hours with mixed results took half an hour and I feel strong and secure about what is transpiring.
Cleaned house Wednesday morning getting the dust out of the bedroom. Seemed to work I did not sneeze all evening. In the evening Prima AMiga and I just played.
Monday, February 7, 2011
Busy weekend
R told the story of Carl Jung who when I asked if he believed in god said no, when further questioned he again said no but explained that he did not believe in god he knew it to be true. I am recovering my faith.
All of us had stories that had the theme of opening our selves to having compassion for those around us to a much greater degree than before but all of us had the same ailments that we had had when we had gone.
Yesterday I went to a festival of singing bowls. Various bowls made of metal that resonate with the chakras when they are played. S had the event at her home. About twenty of us were laying in various configurations around her living room and dining room. The two leaders of the event were at the front of the room behind an array shiny bowls that they struck with wood mallets that had leather attache to the them. The sound was rich and full and was very pleasing with many overtones to give great texture to what we were hearing.
As we lay reclining in various positions S or one of the leaders would come over and strike one of the bowls in an area above our various chakra points. The sound penetrated our bodies and the resonance made for a deep feeling of well-being. After an hour and a half of this we arose and just felt into the experience that we had just had.
Very rich , one person described the feeling as being in heaven.
I felt more positive about healing at that moment than I had in a long time and wished to enjoy the state even more.
Came home to sit quietly and meditate in a very quite and peaceful manner .
Arose this morning still vibrating from the evening before, did my calm meditation and became focused and centered again.
Climbed a local mountain and then went to the internist who I showed some information that I had gotten from J whose wife to be is a naturopath. I am delighted to hear of his impending wedding and I hope that prima amiga and I can attend.
The material is very useful and B the internist is going to check it out with a chemist he knows who specializes in this stuff to prepare a way to strengthen my immune system so that the provenge will be working with an immune system that is working at the highest efficiency for my best advantage.
Tomorrow I see a healer at B's suggestion.
It is an adventure!
Saturday, February 5, 2011
Hot date on a Friday nite
Yesterday was a highly productive day in many ways. Chronologically the city picked up all the bulk trash out of my yard. F came buy cleaned windows for tonights party ,pick upped the trash in the back yard and prepared the soil, We moved all of J 's stuff out into the garage where a friend of his will be able to take it. Just love getting things out of my life cleaned and organized.
While he was doing that I was on the phone with Shinzen Young. Shinzen was having me do the basic exercises involved with working the noting meditation system that he has pioneered . We would confer on the phone , I would do the technique for maybe 30 minutes or so and then confer with him again. This went on most of the morning.
I then made lunch for F and myself and had F take all the old books that I had had to the bookstore where he sold them and kept the proceeds as the payment for what I owed him.
I borrowed a truck and picked up gravel for the back yard landscape and then climbed Squaw Peak in the afternoon. It is two hours to leave my front door drive to the park climb to the top of a 1500 ft mt. climb down and drive home to walk back into my from door.
Called the Prima Amiga, sang her Brahms Lullaby to her so she could go back to sleep, she still has jet lag, and then sat down to meditate with Shinzen doing the phone interviews.
He had me do various parts of see ,hear and feel out. It feels a bit awkward like trying to do something with your non-dominant hand but with Shinzen to talk to, a lot of the difficulty became trivial.
The final part was dealing with flow. The experience of letting each sense move through whatever aspect of its reality that is being perceived. So when I did see flow with my eyes open the door I was looking at would pulse expanding visually and then contracting. Fascinating to watch, very hypnotic. Then hear flow, I am in a room with a small space heater and the sound of the fan has a rhythmic quality that is constant most relaxing to listen to and as I listen more intently I can become completely adsorbed in the experience . Finally the feel flow . Feeling the body be tired from all the exercise and good meal to feeling it come awake and become intense in it awareness to feeling the sense of well excitement from the information of the eyes and the sense of well being and calm from listening to the space heater.
A deep peace followed at the conclusion of this evening. For me a very hot Friday night.
While he was doing that I was on the phone with Shinzen Young. Shinzen was having me do the basic exercises involved with working the noting meditation system that he has pioneered . We would confer on the phone , I would do the technique for maybe 30 minutes or so and then confer with him again. This went on most of the morning.
I then made lunch for F and myself and had F take all the old books that I had had to the bookstore where he sold them and kept the proceeds as the payment for what I owed him.
I borrowed a truck and picked up gravel for the back yard landscape and then climbed Squaw Peak in the afternoon. It is two hours to leave my front door drive to the park climb to the top of a 1500 ft mt. climb down and drive home to walk back into my from door.
Called the Prima Amiga, sang her Brahms Lullaby to her so she could go back to sleep, she still has jet lag, and then sat down to meditate with Shinzen doing the phone interviews.
He had me do various parts of see ,hear and feel out. It feels a bit awkward like trying to do something with your non-dominant hand but with Shinzen to talk to, a lot of the difficulty became trivial.
The final part was dealing with flow. The experience of letting each sense move through whatever aspect of its reality that is being perceived. So when I did see flow with my eyes open the door I was looking at would pulse expanding visually and then contracting. Fascinating to watch, very hypnotic. Then hear flow, I am in a room with a small space heater and the sound of the fan has a rhythmic quality that is constant most relaxing to listen to and as I listen more intently I can become completely adsorbed in the experience . Finally the feel flow . Feeling the body be tired from all the exercise and good meal to feeling it come awake and become intense in it awareness to feeling the sense of well excitement from the information of the eyes and the sense of well being and calm from listening to the space heater.
A deep peace followed at the conclusion of this evening. For me a very hot Friday night.
Wednesday, February 2, 2011
She is back
The yard continues to be cleaned with the railroad ties distributed unobtrusively along the bottom of the fence. Needed to make room at the top of the drive way for several cars as people who are not able to make the climb will be coming for a party on Saturday.
Picture is of three Harris hawks on the trees in front.
Tuesday, February 1, 2011
Meditation ,small triumphs, and kindness
Small triumphs were the order of the day. My utility room sink has been clogged causing water to spill on the floor when the washing machine drains. B and I got a hose stuffed it into the clean out ,stopped up all of the drain openings , and turned the hose on full blast . It blew the obstruction out of the pipes and into the septic tank. Felt good to get something to work without costing a lot or making an environmental mess.
I missed the deadline for getting the trash out to the street, called the councilman's office and got a very kind reply from someone in the trash collection agency who heard of my gong to doctors. I really got a feeling for the fact that those folks in the bureaucracy are humans and have the same feelings that the rest of do and that there is kindness everywhere. It was something of a humbling moment. Bless Kevin.
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