Watching

             Watched yesterday as I went through some of the tough parts of my psyche , had a good straight conversation with one of the members of US too the prostate cancer support group. He is a former ASU mathematics professor who helped me understand the statistics that I was looking at dealing with Provenge. It was encouraging since it brought forth a clear notion of what was not being measured by the statistics and what was left out of the study and how the study was potentially biased.
The questions around provenge are the statistical difference between the number of stroke victims in the control group and the study group.  Were the questions asked in such a way as to be unbiased, what were the statistics compared to a general category of people matching them to age and race and class backgrounds. 
How much influence did the Dendron company have in the publication of the results of this report. Did they pay for the study , the editing , the publication and how much influence did that have upon the results.
He also gave me an idea of where to obtain the raw material from the studies , Mayo in Scottsdale has a library that will give those results to anyone purportedly. You have to ask for the correct study and be definitive.
My friend also recommended that I talk to a local layman about the subject R is an authority on the subject and is very helpful.
We also discussed Snuffy Myers in Charlottesville and how he worked closely with my LA doctors. Something to consider more throughly.
We talked about Chemo , I told him of my objects and he said Hospice might give some help but since we had explored that already and I had rejected the idea I remain very unconvinced.
After which my emotions were something in knots so had to pull them apart one by one. The fear  factor was there it expanded and contracted as I watched. Despair expanded and contracted sometimes expanding as fear contracting sometimes inharmony. Loneliness played a role. Each or all would get intense then break and go back into nothingness. THey came and went in waves. That was good for an hour of meditation. 
THis stuff feels like therapy in action. It is not like if I ignore it, it will go away.
Spent the rest of the evening doing a little cooking and talking to my cousin M. Am thinking about the will and found out from her husband R ,the judge, what to do to make a will.

Awoke this morning and did a nurture positive meditation. Thinking of something that inspires me and seeing hearing and feeling. It started by seeing Prima Amiga in my mind, then playing our song, in my head and within a minute or two  feeling a deep presence of love. I remembered a meditation that someone in which someone said realize how much love & care you have for this person , and recognize that they have the same for you . From there is was tears of bliss for an hour.