I am the only son of a couple who deeply wanted a child. It is a great blessing that I have paid for over and over.
My parents were older than most of my contemporaries my father was 42 when I was born and my mother nearly 37 , My father's mother my grandmother was also a member of the family and she was 78 when I arrived.
My father had retired from active employment and spent his time studying the stock market and investing.My mother was a member of the Eastern Star which was mainly a group of ladies who were older and did good works in the community.
My father's friends at the market were almost exclusively elderly retired men who pursed investing and were successful or not as the world would give them the insight to do so.
This background narrative is to illustrate why aside from my contemporaries many of the people that I knew were considerably older than I was.
When my father would take me to the brokerage firms office. ,in those days called bucket shops after the quaint custom in their early beginnings of overturning buckets to sit on.
As a small child in the presence of so many elderly men who were often grandfathers themselves I became something of a mascot .
One of the examples of many stories of joy that come to me from that era was of an retired Chicago Irish cop. He was 6' 4" in his seventies , he and his wife had had no children and he loved kids. He wold place me upon his shoulder and we would wander around the office and as a little seven year old I got to look down on and into all of the inner workings of the world around me,
I loved him.
As is the way of all things he died several years after I was in junior high school and my parents wishing to shield me from the horror of death , a common practice of the era, did not let me know of his passing.
His was one story of many, all of these old men and the wives who I got to know have proceeded me in death and I have not had a chance to say goodbye.
I am now the age that many of them were and their memories come to me more and more often. Especially when I have been weakened by the latest set back in my bodies relation to cancer.
A good friend and I were conversing about the subject and during the conversation she reframed what I had been calling sadness into grief.
I have never really said goodbye to so many of my lost friends who I loved so dearly.
One would ave thought that a hospice volunteer of so many years would have seen it in a flash but such was not the case for me.
So now when these wonderful old friends appear to me in my memories I do what I did not do for so many years, I grieve.
Thursday, December 26, 2013
Thursday, October 31, 2013
THe fruits of contemplation at Duck N.C. about global warming
I am venturing on foreign ground for this blog. It is around my reasoning on the subject of global warming . It is not the type of material that I have ventured to write about in this blog but that is about to change.
At the retreat on the outer banks I contemplated this to try to extract what my understanding of the subject is and to formulate a way to process material that is presented, Below is the fruit of that exertion.
At the retreat on the outer banks I contemplated this to try to extract what my understanding of the subject is and to formulate a way to process material that is presented, Below is the fruit of that exertion.
The levels are ,first ,probable cause ,global warming certainly and easily meets that level of proof.I have had time to crystalize my thought about global warming this is my current state.
The levels of scientific proof that exist are hypothesis and theory , wiki can give a more complete definition of these manners of proof but it is accurate to say that an hypothesis is not as accepted as fully as a theory and an hypothesis is proven through rigorous testing in a manner appropriate to the hypothesis. Statistics are a methodology used to do those proofs.
As it used to be said ,it doesn't take a weatherman to tell which way the wind blows.
I looked a graph that combined the prognostications of 117 of the computer models that predicted the rise in temperature that the earth was going to endure. Against that were the actual temperatures recorded over the time frame. None of the graphs predicted what was happening. Therefore the proposition remains as an incomplete hypothesis at best or fallacious at worse. I patiently await further data and /or a better hypotheses.
In those circumstances I am and we are as a society brought calls for action; expensive , with a loss of freedoms ,and a consolidation of power into the hands of unelected officials. Many of these calls are often ill conceived and impulsive.
Those proposals are not scientific , they are social . Richard Feynman said that " a scientist looking at nonscientific problems is just as dumb as the next guy. To decide about those proposals I fall back on the legal levels of proof as they are designed to judge social questions and how I think about global warming
The second level is preponderance of evidence, and from my observation that level of proof is also quite easily met.
The third level is clear and convincing , for me global warming has not reached that level. As example I have not had a decent explanation as to what were the causes of both the medieval warm period 800 AD-1400AD or the Roman warm period approximately 200 BC to 400 AD and why they differ from what we are currently enduring .
Another example : I read yesterday of the rise of the oceans , this is sometimes attributed to global warming or even that the acceleration of it is due to gw. The graph I was looking at started in 1880 it showed a sea level rise which the trend of the moving average showed a steady increase. The question which emerged was : what was causing the sea level rise in 1880 and since the graph did not go back farther, my assumption was that it has been going on even longer, which reiterates the question of cause. These and many other questions have not been satisfactorily answered and I also believe that for the society they have not been answered, or there would not be the resistance to the hypothesis that currently exists if they were answered. I later learned that a period of time known as the little ice age end in the early 1700's it is safe to assume that the seas began to rise as the planet became warmer and the ice melted. Why did that happen and since is began over 300 years ago how much of the sea level rise is attributed to anthropogenic causes and how much is attributed to natural causes ?
This and other questions therefore in my mind do not raise the level of proof to clear and convincing. I do not deny or affirm gw but I am not convinced that the hypothesis is valid and that all the social action is at all valid. Some action might be , I would encourage private experimentation and public research into various technologies for instance but neither I nor the society are prepared to spend vast sums of money or commit to any actions beyond the most simple and logical. Such as telecommuting and various energy efficiencies.
Each call for social action also has to go through the levels of proof . I believe that the society is best served by asking that those levels be addressed and convincingly answered.
The final level of proof is beyond reasonable doubt, that is doubt to which one can assign a reason. Global warming hypotheses are not even close to this point and therefore extreme social action is totally unwarranted
.
Friday, October 18, 2013
The retreat
It has been awhile since I have written and I am beginning to feel guilty about my negligence. I have a really good group of excuses to combat my guilty feelings, but the truth is I have not written.
The biggest and most important event in my world took place last week with a retreat held near Duck, North Carolina. For those who are unfamiliar with the location of Duck it is not far from Kitty Hawk on the outer banks where the Wright Brothers made the first powered flight.
The home where we had the retreat is a beautiful three story many bedroomed mansion located 100 yards from the Atlantic Ocean. It is among many similar mansions stretching along the ocean for as far as the eye can see.
Two members of the KM (spiritual friends ) group that I belong to own the property and graciously every year invite all of us to retreat on the property for four days in October. It is the high point for my season to do this and I am grateful for the invitation. We all bring food , the more physically capable bring food and prepare the meals . I do not have the energy to prepared a large meal so they let me skip that part of the process. Everyone , I am sure is grateful , me for not having to overtax myself and they for not having to endure the results of my exertions.
I did make Brownies however, before I left carefully adding water and egg and oil to a prepackaged mix and baking it. Not much admittedly , but at least I could contribute.
The clarity of mind that come from these retreat is priceless, the sharing is very moving for me and the love and acceptance gives a meaning to being alive that I cherish deeply.
I do not wish to share specifics of all the things said at the retreat as I consider them confidential to the group but I will say that I watched the sharing move from prose to poetry , from ordinary to sublime , and from individualistic to congregational .
We watched the kirtan whali , (a devotee to the yoga of singing to God), Krishna Das's DVD biographical video one evening. Through the story and the kirtan I felt the presence of my guru Neem Karoli at the gathering and I continued to feel that presence for the whole retreat.
To prepare for the retreat I had been foregoing two treatments , one , a transfusion of blood. I wished to wait until the last viable moment so that I would have energy and vitality to make the trip and not have to sleep excessively when I was with my friends . The nurses were taking bets if I was to be sent immediately to emergency or if I could return by my own devices the day after the blood test.( It takes overnight to get the right blood from the blood bank.) My red blood count was less than half of normal, The doctor thought I could be on my own and I thought that I could also. I did and the next day I received a quart of O+ blood. The red blood cell count went up 80% and I returned to life.
A result obtained from the data on the blood test was that my PSA ,the marker for the virulence of the cancer, declined .
The other was to postpone my chemo for a week . That allowed me to travel and not have to deal with the intense reactions of diarrhea and constipation that usually accompanies the treatments.
I loved everything about the trip , from singing a capella with one of my fellow retreatants in the back seat during the trip to Duck. (Jesus is Just All Right with Me). To getting a chance to learn more fully about everyones lives , and generally sharing the bonhomie of the pilgrimage .
At the retreat during the meals we would laugh and discuss that which was of interest to us all. One of the days I had a healing at a lunch that was quite revealing . I easily become dehydrated and the effects are painful. The day after I arrived I was feeling the adverse effects of not having sufficient fluids in my system. I took an Advill and drank much fluid but to little effect. At lunch I joined in while I was hurting and in due course of sharing in the laughter and conviviality the pain disappeared. No doubt there is a decent rational explanation for this, but I prefer to think of it as a small miracle. It certainly felt that way.
Of concern to all of us there was the threat of the rising of ocean levels. There was a book there that chronicled what was thought to be the inevitability of said event.
This caused concern to the owners of the property primarily, but to all of us generally. Since none of us are experts on the subject it comes as a concern to have to determine what actions are necessary and viable , and also how to evaluate the data presented .
It lead me to draw upon my experience to come up with a manner to separate the information , emotions and facts into their components and then to reintegrate the information in a rational manner.
I drew upon my basic understanding of science and law, both of which attempt to use logic to answer questions , to determine truth, It was a very helpful exercise and to do it in the setting where I was located plus an email discussion with an old friend about global warming helped me to come to form my conclusions about how to evaluate all that I hear and see about the subject.
The biggest and most important event in my world took place last week with a retreat held near Duck, North Carolina. For those who are unfamiliar with the location of Duck it is not far from Kitty Hawk on the outer banks where the Wright Brothers made the first powered flight.
The home where we had the retreat is a beautiful three story many bedroomed mansion located 100 yards from the Atlantic Ocean. It is among many similar mansions stretching along the ocean for as far as the eye can see.
Two members of the KM (spiritual friends ) group that I belong to own the property and graciously every year invite all of us to retreat on the property for four days in October. It is the high point for my season to do this and I am grateful for the invitation. We all bring food , the more physically capable bring food and prepare the meals . I do not have the energy to prepared a large meal so they let me skip that part of the process. Everyone , I am sure is grateful , me for not having to overtax myself and they for not having to endure the results of my exertions.
I did make Brownies however, before I left carefully adding water and egg and oil to a prepackaged mix and baking it. Not much admittedly , but at least I could contribute.
The clarity of mind that come from these retreat is priceless, the sharing is very moving for me and the love and acceptance gives a meaning to being alive that I cherish deeply.
I do not wish to share specifics of all the things said at the retreat as I consider them confidential to the group but I will say that I watched the sharing move from prose to poetry , from ordinary to sublime , and from individualistic to congregational .
We watched the kirtan whali , (a devotee to the yoga of singing to God), Krishna Das's DVD biographical video one evening. Through the story and the kirtan I felt the presence of my guru Neem Karoli at the gathering and I continued to feel that presence for the whole retreat.
To prepare for the retreat I had been foregoing two treatments , one , a transfusion of blood. I wished to wait until the last viable moment so that I would have energy and vitality to make the trip and not have to sleep excessively when I was with my friends . The nurses were taking bets if I was to be sent immediately to emergency or if I could return by my own devices the day after the blood test.( It takes overnight to get the right blood from the blood bank.) My red blood count was less than half of normal, The doctor thought I could be on my own and I thought that I could also. I did and the next day I received a quart of O+ blood. The red blood cell count went up 80% and I returned to life.
A result obtained from the data on the blood test was that my PSA ,the marker for the virulence of the cancer, declined .
The other was to postpone my chemo for a week . That allowed me to travel and not have to deal with the intense reactions of diarrhea and constipation that usually accompanies the treatments.
I loved everything about the trip , from singing a capella with one of my fellow retreatants in the back seat during the trip to Duck. (Jesus is Just All Right with Me). To getting a chance to learn more fully about everyones lives , and generally sharing the bonhomie of the pilgrimage .
At the retreat during the meals we would laugh and discuss that which was of interest to us all. One of the days I had a healing at a lunch that was quite revealing . I easily become dehydrated and the effects are painful. The day after I arrived I was feeling the adverse effects of not having sufficient fluids in my system. I took an Advill and drank much fluid but to little effect. At lunch I joined in while I was hurting and in due course of sharing in the laughter and conviviality the pain disappeared. No doubt there is a decent rational explanation for this, but I prefer to think of it as a small miracle. It certainly felt that way.
Of concern to all of us there was the threat of the rising of ocean levels. There was a book there that chronicled what was thought to be the inevitability of said event.
This caused concern to the owners of the property primarily, but to all of us generally. Since none of us are experts on the subject it comes as a concern to have to determine what actions are necessary and viable , and also how to evaluate the data presented .
It lead me to draw upon my experience to come up with a manner to separate the information , emotions and facts into their components and then to reintegrate the information in a rational manner.
I drew upon my basic understanding of science and law, both of which attempt to use logic to answer questions , to determine truth, It was a very helpful exercise and to do it in the setting where I was located plus an email discussion with an old friend about global warming helped me to come to form my conclusions about how to evaluate all that I hear and see about the subject.
I may share those insights at a later date , but my point here is that the environment of the retreat allowed a more trenchant and incisive understanding that I had not previously perceived .
One of the great moments on the spiritual path is the moment of awakening labeled Satori (Japanese), Samadhi (Sanskrit) ,or Epiphany (Western). The moment is the flash of insight that takes previous known material and rearranges that knowledge into a completely new way allowing for insight and wisdom to emerge into consciousness. These insights follow a degree of profundity from the superficial ,such suddenly recognizing where you are while driving in a strange community , to the more profound understanding of how a system works ,such as my understanding of the way to organize logical thinking around a subject that is of concern to me and a large portion of the population . To the deep personal spiritual revelation that comes either evolutionarily as the West and Hindu often do, as enunciated by one of my friends at the retreat who claimed that it was the first time that he had understood the poems of the mystic poet Rumi ,to the sharp and stunning moments of the clarity of Zen, chronicled by mystics and seekers in a large body of literature on the subject.
They are all spiritual, or not , depending on the viewpoint of the perceiver . My path is learning that being ordinary is the essence of being spiritual.
Friday, September 13, 2013
When something hits me.
One of my fellow Shamatha meditation participants wrote on her facebook page of her facing cancer. It reads as though it is a very aggressive form of cancer which she is going to Mayo in Minnesota to possibly treat. It struck me very hard to hear of this since she was one of the last persons that I thought would fall prey to such vicissitudes.
A beautiful poem was posted on her website which I wish to pass on.
A beautiful poem was posted on her website which I wish to pass on.
Burn 2013 Taste of Cancer
Maya Howton
Everything and everyone
Who has ever been
Dear & delightful to me
Will one day vanish & fade
May this knowledge
Combined with wisdom
Strengthen me to awaken
To the one taste of all of life
Wisdom from the timeless
Essence of primordial consciousness
That flows thru my being
Throughout lifetimes without end
Strengthen me to awaken
To embrace with passion & dance
Both that which I hold dear
And that which I abhor
Cancer and Christmas
Birth and passing
Meeting and parting
Beginnings and endings
With wisdom as my left wing
Compassion as my right
Flying ever onward may kindness
Guide me through my night
Maya Howton
Everything and everyone
Who has ever been
Dear & delightful to me
Will one day vanish & fade
May this knowledge
Combined with wisdom
Strengthen me to awaken
To the one taste of all of life
Wisdom from the timeless
Essence of primordial consciousness
That flows thru my being
Throughout lifetimes without end
Strengthen me to awaken
To embrace with passion & dance
Both that which I hold dear
And that which I abhor
Cancer and Christmas
Birth and passing
Meeting and parting
Beginnings and endings
With wisdom as my left wing
Compassion as my right
Flying ever onward may kindness
Guide me through my night
Just like old times
In 1970 I bought a Triumph Bonneville motorcycle . I thought and still think it was a beautiful machine. It was very fast , and very light, it would fly down the highway at 80 mph and never skip a beat and it could stop on a dime .
It did have several flaws , one of the minor ones being that it was unable to contain motor oil . It would continually drip oil when in motion and particularly when sitting still. None of my friends had any difficulty in knowing what I had driven when I came to see them since there was always a small or large puddle of oil left on their street or driveway whenever I left.
It was perpetually a quart low and I would have to stop at gas stations and parts stores to purchase oil to put into the engine on a regular basis.
My body has apparently taken after my old motorcycle and I am leaking fluid or in medical parlance I become dehydrated. Yesterday I became dizzy and found it challenging to stay on my feet without weaving so, I had a liter of saline put into my body via the port in my chest . It takes two hours and after walking in dizzy I walked out energized.
During these enforced downtimes I have discovered many interesting programs on you tube. With my eclectic taste I skip merrily from programs on astrophysics , chess games,simple shows explaining basic order of execution of math problems, to greek plays and history updates. The web is fascinating you can learn anything. Lectures on Buddhist philosophy abound and videos of Hindu chanting are out there also. Life is very rich .
I had a doctors appointment Wednesday and he pointed out that while the PSA number is going up , the slope of the incline has declined significantly and that it was his opinion that if I were willing that I should continue with chemotherapy . I have agreed and will do this again next Thursday. My main goal is to participate in a meditation with my KM(friends) group out in the Outer Banks of North Carolina. I am really looking forward to it,
I hope I don't drip on their driveway.
Monday, September 9, 2013
Tuesday, September 3, 2013
Once again something is not working and it is okay
I jut got the results of my PSA(Prostate Specific Antigen) . It is elevated. The chemotherapy is not having the desired effect. I have been stunned by this kind of news so many times before that I am not surprised but it is not uplifting. All I can do is listen to the words of my mind and feel the effect in my body . I am tight in my throat and chest and the intensity of the news leaves me breathless. There is a great heaviness that has been thrown upon me. During this day I had a rive in the country over to Stanton and Harrisonburg where I bought a few things and enjoyed floating down the interstate in my Old Mercury Grand Marquis . It still rides like I am sitting in my living room watching the scenery pass. I love it. I listened to Shinzen tapes about the ability to use one's Buddhist practice to consciously experience pain. Although he was primarily referring to physical pain ,emotional , such as what I am feeling at the present is just a germane. This act of writing helps me endure this pain by letting me focus on a description of the sensations and events rather than being caught up in them.
Allie is giving a talk tonight on the subject of equanimity and has had a day that is far from equanamous. So while I have not gone with her,I have no strength at the moment from the effects of the chemo , I am with her in spirit.
In some ways what I am feeling is okay, going home is what I characterize this process for myself. I am returning into eternity and feel the blessings of life have been mine and I am grateful.I having been richly blessed and while even as a small child I was reluctant to let go of present circumstances when I did and fully embrace the new set of circumstances everything came out well. I expect dying to be no different.
I have all the childish fears that I have had all my life but experience has taught me that those fears are what I am to be fearful of and not the future which is rushing towards me.
I am going to Allies talk now I have nothing more to say here.
Allie is giving a talk tonight on the subject of equanimity and has had a day that is far from equanamous. So while I have not gone with her,I have no strength at the moment from the effects of the chemo , I am with her in spirit.
In some ways what I am feeling is okay, going home is what I characterize this process for myself. I am returning into eternity and feel the blessings of life have been mine and I am grateful.I having been richly blessed and while even as a small child I was reluctant to let go of present circumstances when I did and fully embrace the new set of circumstances everything came out well. I expect dying to be no different.
I have all the childish fears that I have had all my life but experience has taught me that those fears are what I am to be fearful of and not the future which is rushing towards me.
I am going to Allies talk now I have nothing more to say here.
Thursday, August 29, 2013
Hair Today Gone Tomorrow and other thoughts
I have been bald before and having had many compliments as to the shape of my head , I am going to shave all of the hair off. It will be getting colder soon and I will need to take extra precautions to stay warm but this is just another step.
Last night I attended a talk at IMCC, the local Vispassana meditation group to meditate and listen to a talk about mudita . ( Moo-de-ta) One of the four immeasurables. So called because they are boundless in their breadth depth and width of spiritual fulfillment.
The speaker took the common translation of the word which is that of sympathetic joy. I personally prefer empathic joy as it seems to be dealing with an equal rather than feeling someone separate from oneself , but this is merely equivocating .
What I think that the speaker missed in her talk was the differentiation between spiritual and material accomplishments.
According to Shinzen Young , the Vipassana teacher who speaks many languages among them Pali and Sanskrit , the meaning of mudita does not translate easily into English and his attempt was to define it is sharing delight in the spiritual attainment of others.
The speaker used the process of feeling joy in the material and spiritual attainments as an exercise in finding the fulfillment of mudita in the every day world. While I often delight in the material accomplishments of friends and family I take a far greater delight in their spiriitual insights , the satoris , achieving samadhi , learning to become more open to the beauty of the world around them, experiencing freedom from their inner suffering and darkness. Often opening me in the same way.
The speaker suggested that we start the process of learning muditha by taking joy in our friends and family's successes . Working out to acquaintances and strangers and then to politicians with whom one disagrees and finally to people who are loathsome in their behavior , her example was Bashir Assad, the leader of Syria.
Many of my friends , acquaintances , and more distantly opposing politicians have political views with which I disagree and think deleterious to the health of our country and our world, I do not wish them success in their endeavors to convince others in the correctness of their ideas. It would be untruthful and hypocritical of me even to wish them success much less rejoicing in their triumph. That said , they are my friends , acquaintances , and fellow human beings. I can share, without reservation , the joy of spiritual fulfillment that they attain and the fellowship that that brings.
The extreme example of someone like Assad succeeding in his worldly endeavors would be distressing and I pray that it will not happen.
I would suggest that the execution of mudita is far easier and I believe more relevant in having the understanding that if someone has a deep spiritual awakening it becomes very difficult to impossible for them to continue a destructive mode of existence.
An example is the composer of one of the most powerful and for me the most moving of all Christian hymns " Amazing Grace". His name was John Newton and in his career was as the captain of an African slave ship. In 1748 during a violent storm he called for God's mercy and became converted. Many years later he wrote the song that has moved millions of people with its beauty and simplicity. He also became a leader in the fight against slavery.
Not being a Christian I do not wish to labor the point of conversion , but rather reflect to you that this is a powerful example of mudita, that all who love this hymn are often inspired by and thankful for it. We rejoice and are delighted in sharing its timeless and eternal spiritual awakening.
It is my belief that such men as Bashir Assad would not be able to continue with his murderous ways if he found the that type of spiritual awakening and I long for the time when he would experience it and would rejoice mightily as I believe most people would if he gave up his atrocious behavior and followed the divine light of his own being .
The cynic in me sees little chance of this , but hope is eternal.
The point of this little essay is to convey what I understand as the meaning of mudita . Rejoice in the spiritual attainments and fulfillment of all. It truly is immeasurable .
The speaker concluded the evening with a ten minute meditation about people with whom we share the concern and caring of their lives and spiritual success and how they in turn care for us and our own spiritual advancement. The numbers of people in my life who fit that category is large and it was humbling and uplifting to realize so important a fact that had escaped my awareness.
Tuesday, August 20, 2013
I am encountering the I don't want to syndrome. I don't want to pay attention to anything I don't want to write this blog. I don't want to be sitting here with a computer on my lap trying to compose words that will adequately convey the meaning of what I am going through. I dream of being healthy and spending most of my time sitting in meditation with teachers around the world . Returning to my old life in Phoenix where I could drive to LA or Tucson or Santa Fe for 10 day meditation retreats with some of my favorite teachers or being able to fly to Oahu to be with Ram Dass in December on my birthday or flying to Thailand to spend a couple months with Alan Wallace meditating in Phuket.
Instead I am stuck to traveling little more than the distance I can drive in a day and having to listen to my mind come up with desires .Grasping at that which is beyond my physical abilities .
I don't want to hear of the suffering of others , I want my friends lives to be filled with joy , health, happiness and fulfillment.
I don't want to hear of a good friend re-injurying his head after having severe trauma to that same region several years ago. I don't want to hear of the courage and strength that he is exhibiting through the significant adversity. I do not want to feel the hopelessness and impotence that I have when all I can offer are a few prayers and good wishes.
My niece came to visit me last week , she arrived the day after I had chemotherapy, and instead of getting to play the role of host I got to lay in bed for 12 to 16 hours a day and go to the cancer center for a transfusion of a liter of salt water so that my electrolytes would be in balance and I would not have to endure the intense physical pain of dehydration. That is not what I wanted to do .
Watching this frustration expand and contract into my awareness is not what I want to meditate upon.
I don't want to publish this column but I probably will. I don't have any uplifting insights or revelations about my life right now this is where I am wallowing.
Instead I am stuck to traveling little more than the distance I can drive in a day and having to listen to my mind come up with desires .Grasping at that which is beyond my physical abilities .
I don't want to hear of the suffering of others , I want my friends lives to be filled with joy , health, happiness and fulfillment.
I don't want to hear of a good friend re-injurying his head after having severe trauma to that same region several years ago. I don't want to hear of the courage and strength that he is exhibiting through the significant adversity. I do not want to feel the hopelessness and impotence that I have when all I can offer are a few prayers and good wishes.
My niece came to visit me last week , she arrived the day after I had chemotherapy, and instead of getting to play the role of host I got to lay in bed for 12 to 16 hours a day and go to the cancer center for a transfusion of a liter of salt water so that my electrolytes would be in balance and I would not have to endure the intense physical pain of dehydration. That is not what I wanted to do .
Watching this frustration expand and contract into my awareness is not what I want to meditate upon.
I don't want to publish this column but I probably will. I don't have any uplifting insights or revelations about my life right now this is where I am wallowing.
Monday, August 5, 2013
The new challenges
It has taken awhile to digest all of the news that I have been given about my condition and the strategy to deal with it.
First the news. My doctors all believe that the radioactive drug Xofigo , radium 223 di chloride would be of benefit to my health. However since the were spots on the liver that could be interpreted as cancer the drug company defers to Medicare for payment and the Medicare states that if their is any indications of soft tissue cancer that they will refer to the protocol of the drug company which only had the drug approved for cancer of the bone per FDA requirements . Meaning if they had never done the CT and MRI and not had any indication of the possibility of cancer in the soft tissue, then Medicare would pay for it. So the financial part of this is that no one is under any obligation to pay for this catch-22.
My oncologist also believes that since the cancer that I am dealing with is in the marrow more than in the bone that it would not have as salubrious effect as would be hoped. I am tired from the lack of oxygen being transmitted to my muscles and other organs and this is from a low blood count caused by the marrow not producing enough red blood cells. The radiologist agreed. So the drug will help but is not a cure.
The drug costs somewhere between $70,000 to $132,000 to administer for all six injections. It is given in coordination with an IV but only takes a few minutes to administer. The cost as I am learning is something of a state secret . The two estimates are from a NYT's article and the radiologist . No one that I have spoken to including a very resourceful patient advocate could give me a clearer picture.
The statistical effect is that it would enhance the length of life approximately four months. Which means anywhere from no effect to several years.
The doctors were concerned about the difficulty that I would have in dealing with financial situation. What I did was made it clear to them that my health was my first concern and that they should remove from their thoughts anything dealing with the cost.
Since bone pain is among the worst of the pains it is my concern that I die without having to deal with the most severe form of this. Lack of blood just leaves me sleeping for excessive amounts of time and dying in my sleep is not something to be avoided.
We have then set a plan that will being with the administration of the chemo drug taxotere which I had positive results with previously followed by treatments of Xofigo.
The next conversation was with my financial advisor who gave me a positive reframe of the situation by pointing out that I am helping to pay for the research into a very promising cure for some cancers and that will be part of the legacy that I can leave to mankind .
A threshold was passed in that I was again offered a prescription of Oxycodine and this time I accepted. Having never wanted to become involved with this drug I now have become aware that there are instances when I am not able to cope with some of the intense pain and merely having available relief is reassuring. I have not used it yet having discovered some hatha yoga stretches that relieve cramps quickly and effectively.
The other bits of news were some estimates. Estimates as to how long I have to live. One year if I do nothing and as many 3 or 4 if I pursue an active path and am lucky.
Which leads me to my next pursuit. It is that of Phowa , pronounced PO -wa ,a TIbetan meditative exercise to prepare the dying for death and to be used by the living to remind the dead person that they are no longer in bodies and to open and expand until they dissolve into the substrate consciousness . In the Tibetan tradition it is to await rebirth . I don't know but it feels good and is reassuring.
It is simple for those who are students of SHinzen Young it is the process of using Nurture Positive mediations to become focused on the zero point and dissolve the association with the body.
I wrote about this on the June 16th version of this years blog. It is the return of the beloved child to home of his loving parents after playing late into the evening.
First the news. My doctors all believe that the radioactive drug Xofigo , radium 223 di chloride would be of benefit to my health. However since the were spots on the liver that could be interpreted as cancer the drug company defers to Medicare for payment and the Medicare states that if their is any indications of soft tissue cancer that they will refer to the protocol of the drug company which only had the drug approved for cancer of the bone per FDA requirements . Meaning if they had never done the CT and MRI and not had any indication of the possibility of cancer in the soft tissue, then Medicare would pay for it. So the financial part of this is that no one is under any obligation to pay for this catch-22.
My oncologist also believes that since the cancer that I am dealing with is in the marrow more than in the bone that it would not have as salubrious effect as would be hoped. I am tired from the lack of oxygen being transmitted to my muscles and other organs and this is from a low blood count caused by the marrow not producing enough red blood cells. The radiologist agreed. So the drug will help but is not a cure.
The drug costs somewhere between $70,000 to $132,000 to administer for all six injections. It is given in coordination with an IV but only takes a few minutes to administer. The cost as I am learning is something of a state secret . The two estimates are from a NYT's article and the radiologist . No one that I have spoken to including a very resourceful patient advocate could give me a clearer picture.
The statistical effect is that it would enhance the length of life approximately four months. Which means anywhere from no effect to several years.
The doctors were concerned about the difficulty that I would have in dealing with financial situation. What I did was made it clear to them that my health was my first concern and that they should remove from their thoughts anything dealing with the cost.
Since bone pain is among the worst of the pains it is my concern that I die without having to deal with the most severe form of this. Lack of blood just leaves me sleeping for excessive amounts of time and dying in my sleep is not something to be avoided.
We have then set a plan that will being with the administration of the chemo drug taxotere which I had positive results with previously followed by treatments of Xofigo.
The next conversation was with my financial advisor who gave me a positive reframe of the situation by pointing out that I am helping to pay for the research into a very promising cure for some cancers and that will be part of the legacy that I can leave to mankind .
A threshold was passed in that I was again offered a prescription of Oxycodine and this time I accepted. Having never wanted to become involved with this drug I now have become aware that there are instances when I am not able to cope with some of the intense pain and merely having available relief is reassuring. I have not used it yet having discovered some hatha yoga stretches that relieve cramps quickly and effectively.
The other bits of news were some estimates. Estimates as to how long I have to live. One year if I do nothing and as many 3 or 4 if I pursue an active path and am lucky.
Which leads me to my next pursuit. It is that of Phowa , pronounced PO -wa ,a TIbetan meditative exercise to prepare the dying for death and to be used by the living to remind the dead person that they are no longer in bodies and to open and expand until they dissolve into the substrate consciousness . In the Tibetan tradition it is to await rebirth . I don't know but it feels good and is reassuring.
It is simple for those who are students of SHinzen Young it is the process of using Nurture Positive mediations to become focused on the zero point and dissolve the association with the body.
I wrote about this on the June 16th version of this years blog. It is the return of the beloved child to home of his loving parents after playing late into the evening.
Saturday, July 27, 2013
Down a quart
Well I'm a quart low. My blood count is so low that I am anemic. I have chosen to use a drug called, "aranesp' which forces the body to produce red blood cells. It will take me several days to determine how effective the drug is and if I am truly in need of a transfusion.
If I do need a transfusion because of my body size I usually receive a quart of blood. The difficulty with receiving blood transfusion is that over a period of time the liver cannot separate the iron out of the transfused blood. While they can monitor this they have no means to prevent or rectify the problem. It is not a problem unless a lot of blood is transfused and I am showing no sign of abnormally high iron counts but I am trying to approach the process with the attitude to do only as much as needs to be effective being the best and letting my body do as much as it can still do naturally.
I spoke to my favorite niece yesterday, she is actually my closest cousin's daughter but has become a niece to me. She is coming to visit August 9 - 15 . I am delighted. We spent time together when I lived in Phoenix and she came to look after me during my first chemotherapy session . We became very close , so much so that she is the daughter that I wish that I had had. I am arranging to fly her from her home in Indianapolis .
Allie will be gone from the eighth to the twelfth so my niece and I will be on our own for a few days before Allie joins us.
If I do need a transfusion because of my body size I usually receive a quart of blood. The difficulty with receiving blood transfusion is that over a period of time the liver cannot separate the iron out of the transfused blood. While they can monitor this they have no means to prevent or rectify the problem. It is not a problem unless a lot of blood is transfused and I am showing no sign of abnormally high iron counts but I am trying to approach the process with the attitude to do only as much as needs to be effective being the best and letting my body do as much as it can still do naturally.
I spoke to my favorite niece yesterday, she is actually my closest cousin's daughter but has become a niece to me. She is coming to visit August 9 - 15 . I am delighted. We spent time together when I lived in Phoenix and she came to look after me during my first chemotherapy session . We became very close , so much so that she is the daughter that I wish that I had had. I am arranging to fly her from her home in Indianapolis .
Allie will be gone from the eighth to the twelfth so my niece and I will be on our own for a few days before Allie joins us.
Wednesday, July 24, 2013
The Catholic church has banished limbo but I seem to have found it.
My radiologist believes that it is a misunderstanding of the name that was given to her by my oncologist who made the original contact with the drug representative and that it will be corrected as soon as my two doctors contact each other.
Applying Occams razor logic to the process makes it seem the most reasonable and least complicated explanation but it certainly is not emotionally satisfying nor does it leave me in any position to plan anything like if I can g,o somewhere or not. I need to be able to respond to this as quickly as possible when it is approved since the cancer in my body is not taking a holiday and the sooner it is dealt with the longer is my life.
Speaking of illnesses one of the side effects from chemo seems to be a susceptibility to diarrhea , which leads to an electrolyte imbalance and severe pain and exhaustion . My :social world is of necessity very small due to lack of energy. Fortunately what it lacks in quantity it more than makes up in quality. So when I had to forgo the opportunity to get with my KM group, ie friends, it was with regret . But Monday afternoon I began to experience severe pain in my biceps to such an extent that I was in tears.
That is when the only place I can turn to is prayer . Enough to give me the strength to endure what is happening. My prayers are generally answered ,for which I can only say thank you.
I did however miss the gathering of my friends
Yesterday ,Tuesday , I spent most of the day in bed and was unable to attend the evening meditation with Allie . I was so out of it that I forgot my acupuncture appointment in the afternoon.
Today I have an appointment at 11 am . It is for shots and blood work.
Thursday, July 18, 2013
Limbo again
I am again in Limbo a normal place to be for me and those of us on th cutting edge of medical technology. My oncologist has convinced someone in the company that supplies Xofigo that I am eligible for the treatment however my radiologist who must administer the infusion , which takes about a minute to do,is encountering a different story. There seems to be a difficulty in getting the distributor to understand the payment procedure. I am left again in limbo.
Xofigo is a radioactive substance whose radioactivity cannot penetrate a sheet of paper but has a lethal effect on cancer cells. I will know more by Tuesday.
On the more positive side I got my old Mercury Grand Marquis back from the shop and it looks terrific. Looks almost like new. Really happy about it.
Xofigo is a radioactive substance whose radioactivity cannot penetrate a sheet of paper but has a lethal effect on cancer cells. I will know more by Tuesday.
On the more positive side I got my old Mercury Grand Marquis back from the shop and it looks terrific. Looks almost like new. Really happy about it.
Tuesday, July 16, 2013
coming off drugs
It has been a few days since my last blog and so I should write something just to keep my hand in. I have been coming off of the drug prednisone and everything ached and I was constantly tired. It is a steroid and as such came to replace the endrocrine system in my body with an artificial drug. As I am no longer on chemotherapy the need for prednisone is gone but removing oneself from the dependence on the drug comes with a price and I payed it in the form of achiness and sleep.
Consequently there is not much to report save going to a lovely dual birthday party for one of of my friends in the KM ( Kali-metta) group and his charming daughter. The laughter and good cheer were appreciated when my consciousness was so caught in attending to physical pain.
I had a long conversation with one of my KM buddies who also has had cancer. She is addressing her post operational world with spiritual methodology , diet , and prayer. She and I are from more o
f the guru tradition than the others in the group and as such shared a few stories.
I was impressed with her courage .
Thursday, July 11, 2013
RIding the roller coaster
Yesterday I awoke dreading the day. I was to go the the oncologist to hear of the limited and perhaps unpalatable choices that were before me. Choices that included sticking a tube through my penis and bladder to run a tube into the ureter to insert a stent, with the accompanying pain , high risk of infection and need to replace this stent in a few months. Or having a tube stuck into my side to release the fluids in the blocked kidney. Again a painful procedure, with a high risk of infection and the need to have an iliostomy bag continully filling and being emptied.
My understanding was that the Xofigo , which is radium 222 di-chloride was something for which I would be ineligible . This was due to the finding of cancer in the soft tissue of the liver .
Allie and I depressed feeling the thick ,heavy, suffocating awareness that that state of mind induces. Naming and feeling this is part of the process of healing for me . When I simply feel this without attempting to suppress it then lets me let it go rather than fighting to deny how oppressive the feeling is.
The doctor came with what he anticipated was good news. Upon discussing the drug with the radiologist who would administer it , he discovered that the protocol would allow for the administration with minor soft tissue cancer, I was eligible.
Suddenly I had hope.
I have an appointment with the radiologist next Thursday.
Allie and I celebrated with scallops and white wine. I have not had a drink in nearly four years and two glasses of white wine went to my head immediately and I loved it.
Learning about empathetic joy
Last evening I went to the Km-Group Kali- Metta, which I translate as a place to share my life with good friends. The folks are kind , caring , and thoughtful and I am grateful to have the opportunity to be part of the group.
At the meeting last evening we first meditated and then shared the events of our lives over the last month. There were stories of success in profession, trips to Jerusalem for professional conferences with brilliant colleagues and friends, other trips to Italy celebrating the 50th wedding anniversary of a couple and their family , successes in a independent architectural firm, a long planned trip to Bolivia with jungle cruising and learning of the family of the new son-in-law, learning to use meditative devices to help in daily life and the joy of being in Wisconsin and walking on the beach.
There was also a birthday , we got to eat chocolate cake and sing Happy Birthday . What fun!
What somewhat surprised me as I listened to each of these stories is how much joy I got from the successes and happiness that each of the individuals had in telling of their tales.
The word that I have learned about that defines this is Mudita, empathetic joy. As with all things there are degrees of this but the purest form is the rejoicing in the spiritual accomplishments of others.
During the meeting last night I had the opportunity to rejoice in the happiness and satisfaction that my friends have in their lives. My only regret was that it did not extend longer. I learned of Mudita and how enriching it is in the life of person .
Mudita has extended out as I heard from an old friend of the return to health of her only child a daughter who was diagnosed with ovarian cancer and has been successfully treated . While this ,of course , is the answer to our prayers the other subtle joy is seeing mom evolve deeper into her beauty , sensitivity, and love.
At the meeting last evening we first meditated and then shared the events of our lives over the last month. There were stories of success in profession, trips to Jerusalem for professional conferences with brilliant colleagues and friends, other trips to Italy celebrating the 50th wedding anniversary of a couple and their family , successes in a independent architectural firm, a long planned trip to Bolivia with jungle cruising and learning of the family of the new son-in-law, learning to use meditative devices to help in daily life and the joy of being in Wisconsin and walking on the beach.
There was also a birthday , we got to eat chocolate cake and sing Happy Birthday . What fun!
What somewhat surprised me as I listened to each of these stories is how much joy I got from the successes and happiness that each of the individuals had in telling of their tales.
The word that I have learned about that defines this is Mudita, empathetic joy. As with all things there are degrees of this but the purest form is the rejoicing in the spiritual accomplishments of others.
During the meeting last night I had the opportunity to rejoice in the happiness and satisfaction that my friends have in their lives. My only regret was that it did not extend longer. I learned of Mudita and how enriching it is in the life of person .
Mudita has extended out as I heard from an old friend of the return to health of her only child a daughter who was diagnosed with ovarian cancer and has been successfully treated . While this ,of course , is the answer to our prayers the other subtle joy is seeing mom evolve deeper into her beauty , sensitivity, and love.
Tuesday, July 2, 2013
THE results of the MRI
Yesterday I had an MRI . The purpose was to investigate two spots on the liver and kidney to determine if soft tissue cancer was in my body making me ineligible for a new drug. The results were that the liver has two small spots that are consistent with prostate cancer of the liver. I am ineligible and more to the point the cancer has spread.
I will be going to see the oncologist this Wednesday but I have ruled out several procedures that involve invasive surgery that has high risks of infection and must be repeated at 4 to 6 month intervals.
Allie and I were saddened at this news but not overly surprised.
Today I have processed this news to and have come up with an idea of how to approach this. My first response was to propose to Allie that we get married. I have been reluctant to do so since it would have made me ineligible for spousal benefits from Social Security but it now seems very unlikely that I will live to be 67+ to collect. Anyway I noticed a large gulp as the response to the proposal.
I have thought about it further and am considering a larger party for family and friends that is a combination wake and wedding. I understand that in this state they cremated bodies in cardboard caskets so I thought it might be interesting to have one at the wake and have people decorate the casket rather than bring gifts.
While it did occur to me that this might seem ghoulish , I thought of Mark Twain's Tom Sawyer in which Tom who was mistakenly given up for dead crept into the church where his funeral was being held and got to hear all the wonderful things that people had to say about him. I don't know how articulate my family and friends are but having them bring something to decorate the coffin or perhaps drawing or writing upon it would put them more at ease.
This certainly feels more uplifting than moping around feeling sad.
I will be going to see the oncologist this Wednesday but I have ruled out several procedures that involve invasive surgery that has high risks of infection and must be repeated at 4 to 6 month intervals.
Allie and I were saddened at this news but not overly surprised.
Today I have processed this news to and have come up with an idea of how to approach this. My first response was to propose to Allie that we get married. I have been reluctant to do so since it would have made me ineligible for spousal benefits from Social Security but it now seems very unlikely that I will live to be 67+ to collect. Anyway I noticed a large gulp as the response to the proposal.
I have thought about it further and am considering a larger party for family and friends that is a combination wake and wedding. I understand that in this state they cremated bodies in cardboard caskets so I thought it might be interesting to have one at the wake and have people decorate the casket rather than bring gifts.
While it did occur to me that this might seem ghoulish , I thought of Mark Twain's Tom Sawyer in which Tom who was mistakenly given up for dead crept into the church where his funeral was being held and got to hear all the wonderful things that people had to say about him. I don't know how articulate my family and friends are but having them bring something to decorate the coffin or perhaps drawing or writing upon it would put them more at ease.
This certainly feels more uplifting than moping around feeling sad.
Wednesday, June 26, 2013
Nurture Positive an intense day and how to deal with it
Today isn't quite over and I have been told how the CT scan that was done yesterday has been indecisive , that my left kidney and ureater are swollen and might possibly have cancer although that is unusual , my prostate is of normal size. which is a way to have someone feel inside the lower part of my alimentary canal. Not pleasant but I have lost the modesty and a lot of reactivity.
The urologist presented a very grim picture of placing a stint into my ureater by going through the penis bladder and up the ureater . Bleeding in the urine , and infection are the possibilities, along with pain and the need to replace it . Or the other alternative is a colostemy bag. Stick a hole in my side insert a plastic tube and let the urine drain. Infection is the main drawback followed by tube replacement.
All in all it is just repulsive and the quality of life would deplete so quickly along with the lack of the opportunity to lengthen the process that I believe that I have found the place that I am going to have to draw a line between wanting to keep the body alive and forgoing medical procedures designed to lengthen life.
I spoke to the intake person a Hospice of the Pedimont and as a former volunteer I was completely familiar with most of it. WHen I have concluded that the treatments are no longer viable I will get on hospice .
Going Home. One of the meditations that I learned from the Shinzen Young retreat that I just returned from was a technique that is described below:
Nurture
Positive
Summary
Shinzen Young
1.
Start by
positioning your attention in Subjective Space.
Bring some attention to Image Space (in front of/behind your eyes) and some
attention to Talk Space (in your head/at your ears) and some attention to Feel Space
your body experienced in terms of the presence or absence of emotional type sensations).
You can do this
practice
with your eyes closed or open, but most people find it easier
to do it with eyes closed.
2.
Now intentionally create positive image, positive Talk and pleasant Feel.
Visually think about a person, place, material object or symbol that has a positive
connotation for you and that would tend to create a pleasant Feel tone. Be aware of
the mental Image itself and any pleasant Feel sensation it may trigger in your body.
At the same time verbally think a syllable, word, phrase, sentence or sequence of
sentences that matches with the Image and that also would tend to create a pleasant
Feel tone. Repeat that positive Talk over and over like a leisurely mant
ra while also tuning into any pleasant Feel sensation it may trigger in your body.
At the same time let there be a subtle smile on your face. Notice any pleasant Feel associated with that smile.
Thus, you’re continuously tuning in to positive Image, positive Talk and pleasant Feel with even attention to each of the Subjective Spaces. In other words ,you'r aware of positive Talk in your head, positive Image before your eyes, and pleasant Feel in your body all at the same time . This is the way to do the Focus on Positive technique.
The Image need not be vivid or stable, but if it completely vanishes, refresh it by
thinking of that person, place, object or symbol again.
The Feel sensation may be something triggered by the Image and Talk, or something
turned on directly in Feel Space, or merely the result of intentionally smiling.
The Feel sensation may be quite strong and widespread or quite subtle and localized. Any
sensation may be quite strong and widespread or quite subtle and localized. Any pattern is fine.
By deeply focusing on the image of coming home as a beloved child of a loving family I am able to maintain the equanimity that allows me to make obvious decisions without feeling the need to cling desperately to a failing body.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=gDeMbojj8-E&list=PLpWI1yEIe1nFP8FncvQ7V5RNfEIFt39H1
Friday, June 21, 2013
The news from the Hope cancer center just arrived and the results of the effectiveness of the Jevtana chemotherapy are in. The drug is no longer effective and I will have to change the method of treatment.
It is disconcerting to have to do this since it the closing of a door that might have lead to more effective results .
Monday it has been arrange for me to undergo a CT scan to determine the extent of the cancer and if it has gotten into other systems of the body. If the cancer has remained in the bones then I may be eligible for a different treatment Radium 223 di chloride trade named xofigo. This is what is said about it:
Radium 223 mimics calcium and forms complexes with the bone mineral hydroxyapatite at areas of increased bone turnover, such as bone metastases. The high linear energy transfer of alpha emitters may cause double-strand DNA breaks in adjacent cells, resulting in an anti-tumor effect on bone metastases.
This is just another step of the reluctant child who does not want to go home but rather want s to keep playing ,the benevolent universe is very tolerant and loving and will let me continue for awhile more.
There is a story of Buddha towards the end of his life voiced the recognition of the sweetness of life and how there is a wish to continue . I still have that wish .
I am not entirely dismayed by the news because chemotherapy is a particularly stressful approach it induces nausea, diarrhea , constipation and exhaustion. Not to have to endure that is a blessing.
What I wrote in the previous email I have been persuaded was not entirely correct. In my discussion of the nature of somatic or kinesthetic awareness I believed that the body does not have the chance to live either in the future or the past but must remain eternally present.
Much my understanding of the body remains in flux and I learn continually. The example that changed my mind is that the body retains a physical memory by tightening and loosening muscles which over long periods of time harden into set patterns of thought and behavior . When I was a massage therapist many years ago I would often notice that by touching someone in a particularly sensitive region of their anatomy, they would emote . many times without any pressure the client would cry or relive some traumatic incident in their lives.
The memories that emerged were vivid and immediate . Even if the incident was distant in time and had no conscious recall prior to the session.
So the body does retain the past in its formation but the future is a different matter. One can visualize or talk about the past and now I understand that the body does the same things in the muscles and sinews , but I await some evidence of how that relates to the future for somatic awareness.
Other alternatives are available including a mixture of some drugs that have failed in the past but together they may have an effectiveness and a different type of chemo that has worked before called taxotere.
It is disconcerting to have to do this since it the closing of a door that might have lead to more effective results .
Monday it has been arrange for me to undergo a CT scan to determine the extent of the cancer and if it has gotten into other systems of the body. If the cancer has remained in the bones then I may be eligible for a different treatment Radium 223 di chloride trade named xofigo. This is what is said about it:
Radium 223 mimics calcium and forms complexes with the bone mineral hydroxyapatite at areas of increased bone turnover, such as bone metastases. The high linear energy transfer of alpha emitters may cause double-strand DNA breaks in adjacent cells, resulting in an anti-tumor effect on bone metastases.
This is just another step of the reluctant child who does not want to go home but rather want s to keep playing ,the benevolent universe is very tolerant and loving and will let me continue for awhile more.
There is a story of Buddha towards the end of his life voiced the recognition of the sweetness of life and how there is a wish to continue . I still have that wish .
I am not entirely dismayed by the news because chemotherapy is a particularly stressful approach it induces nausea, diarrhea , constipation and exhaustion. Not to have to endure that is a blessing.
What I wrote in the previous email I have been persuaded was not entirely correct. In my discussion of the nature of somatic or kinesthetic awareness I believed that the body does not have the chance to live either in the future or the past but must remain eternally present.
Much my understanding of the body remains in flux and I learn continually. The example that changed my mind is that the body retains a physical memory by tightening and loosening muscles which over long periods of time harden into set patterns of thought and behavior . When I was a massage therapist many years ago I would often notice that by touching someone in a particularly sensitive region of their anatomy, they would emote . many times without any pressure the client would cry or relive some traumatic incident in their lives.
The memories that emerged were vivid and immediate . Even if the incident was distant in time and had no conscious recall prior to the session.
So the body does retain the past in its formation but the future is a different matter. One can visualize or talk about the past and now I understand that the body does the same things in the muscles and sinews , but I await some evidence of how that relates to the future for somatic awareness.
Other alternatives are available including a mixture of some drugs that have failed in the past but together they may have an effectiveness and a different type of chemo that has worked before called taxotere.
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