Flat tires become divine gifts

           It is a mixed message that I am having to deal with right at the moment having gone to Los Angeles to get some clarification about the situation I came back with a prescription for a new set of pills that have a better than even chance of working for awhile , an opportunity to get a process done that will take the white cells out of the blood have them treated with a prostate cancer antigen(?) that will help the cells become more cognizant of the cancer cells and strengthen the immune system. The ever present desire on the part of some practitioners to introduce chemotherapy and a naturopath that when presented with a possibility of using a natural remedy dismissed it out of hand.
           Add to this witches brew was a late Friday afternoon phone call asking that I schedule a visit with the oncologist who originally  said chemotherapy ,thoughts to entertain myself with during the weekend.
            The result is I feel great. Sleeping well and excited about being alive. I do not have answers to any of this so I have devised a system of reaching out to friends by Skype to have a conference about what is available and hoe I should proceed. I will learn what I need to know at these conferences and make the decision then.
           On thanksgiving on served food at the Salvation Army always an uplifting experience for me. There I meet a man who had no arms below his elbows , he lived on the street and survived. He feed himself without help and was dignified and polite. So when I see the numbers and problems that I deal with It gets to put a little perspective on the situation.
          What I have is a growing trust in the friendliness of the universe and love of guru, friends , and family. Like many successful people I have tended to believe that much of it was due to my abilities and work and while that is true what is sustaining me now is not the money ,although that helps, but the centeredness's of being that comes from a growing understanding my life.
           I spoke to my nephew B today finally catching up with him after many weeks. He is beset by problems but we put those into perspective and with an opportunity to talk about dharma I felt the same love and exhilaration that we always have in our conversations. . It was a  lengthy discussion of the need to use compassion and equanimity in dealing with self and others. He is quite brilliant and I really love him.
         I seem to be loving more people these days. I went for a bike ride around Squaw Peak and three quarters of the way through got a flat tire. I first thought  I would walk home but realized that it was an opportunity to connect with another person I love and have him to give me a lift back to the house. It was a godsend not only did I get a ride back but he gave me a pep talk about health . His faith my eventual recovery and continued good health was more inspiration . Flat tires become divine gifts.
         Prima Amiga arrives Tuesday and I am excited about that. Talk about another blessing. We will be spending more time together than we ever have before. This will be fun. She is up for doctors visits and all the stuff that I have to endure in maintaining health  plus I told her I would take her to the Salvation Army Christmas event. She has never been . It will be fun.
        Meditations are less frequent but very high quality I use them in adverse circumstance to dissect and learn about suffering so that I can mindfully address what is being thrown at me. Many more to come and I am ready , they strengthen my abilities.

Not knowing

         There  is a wonderful Buddhist teaching about not knowing. The buddha taught that death was certain but that the time of death is completely unknown. The teaching leads to the obvious fact that we therefore do not know what the future is to bring yet we live our lives as if we are to live forever and that what we are experiencing is permanent. The wonderful thing that I am grateful for is that I see that illusion very clearly now for what it is.
      When I went to the doctors office I had made peace with what I believed to be an inevitable and that was that chemotherapy was the major option left to me. I sat with my friend S ,who very kindly accompanied me giving me moral support and taking notes. We waited for the doctor for 30 minutes during which time we meditated , am I grateful for that skill, and talked about prima amiga and how we had met and come to have the relationship that we do. The prima amiga called me right before I walked into the office cubicle and gave me a quick transfusion of love that she  does so easily for me.
       The doctor came in with a smile and  started to  examine the data that was being presented. Some numbers cause concern rapidly increasing PSA , but other results show improvement such as bone scans and others leave uncertainty such as CT scans .  However the doctor left the impression that there was no need to not only start chemo but that the exact opposite would be the best course of action.  There are some courses of action that are available that would be precluded if chemotherapy were done.
        It was a relief  to hear this and then of course come the Buddhist teaching of not knowing. If I let my equanimity get tied to these various opinions I am sunk. If I can continue to rest in the moment without clinging to anything then the better decision can be made.
         Physical sensations are my next challenge. Exploring these mindfully is the task that I will set for myself since at this stage I notice  that everything has a tenderness about it that the mind transforms into some very unhelpful imaginations. Breath and awareness to the rescue.
       I am preparing to go to LA on Tuesday to  visit with the Prostate Oncology Specialists
and determine what they have to say . I visited with my GP this afternoon to hammer down the ideas that I will need to ask about when I visit LA.

       My attention is certainly focused in the last few days and I meditate at almost every opportunity. Since I have only questions which merely lead to more questions I am at the place where I really don't know. Nothing to do but breathe into that and relax.

Call from beyond

      Today I  drank some mildly bitter liquid and had the CT scans to determine if the cancer has metastasized to the lymph system. It was an almost painless procedure, they did give me an injection of some dye, and took place in the period of 5 minutes and was done in a professional and friendly way. I had to arrive an hour early to drink this liquid and sat and meditated during the period of waiting. I had to be called out of my reverie to attend to the procedures. I meditate at every opportunity that I get .
       The instruction was then given to me to drink lots of liquid.
       Today's weather was perfect the high was in the mid 70's and the desire to hike up Squaw Peak coincided with every thing else that was happening.
       Prima Amiga is giving a dharma talk that we had discussed last night and this morning, I don't think I helped her much, and I set off on the adventure.
         Reached the top of the 1500 ft climb in record time, for slowness, stopped several time and drank two liters of water. That should help the system get rid of these new chemicals.
        When I arrived at the top I gave thanks to the deities of the ten directions for the many blessings that I have had and for good health which I enjoy.
         I learned from some traveling salesmen of my neighbor the wrathful aspect of compassions desire to sell his home.
           I thought a good idea to sit down and meditate ,surprise!
          For many years I would dread being alone on Sunday afternoon . It would give me a deep sense of melancholy that I always wished would never come and  pushed out of my awareness with various strategies that were mildly successful.
           The news of the impending leaving of my beloved neighbor brought forth that melancholy in spades. Interestingly ,however, this time I recognized and began to welcome the sensations . For the first time I recognized it for what it is to me and that is a call from beyond.
           "We who love you are here and waiting for you finish your work and you will be once again back with us." that was what was being said.
           I still want to live and live a long healthy life and then return from whence I came. Death seems a lot friendlier now.

Shinzen Young retreat 11-15-10

    The peace that passeth all understanding . THat is where all of this practice leads to.  Watching the expansion and contraction of a peace that just gets deeper and more serene. Just spent the hour doing just that hanging out in the space of not knowing in peaceful serenity.

We are folding up camp and this afternoon and several of us are going to  a sweat lodge ceremony. My tibetan doctor encouraged me to do this having given me the right pills early for the best effect.

After breakfast we did some more meditating and then broke up our retreat. Most of the folks left for their independent destinations but several of us went to the sweat lodge with R. An Indian friend of Shinzen.

This was my first experience with a sweat lodge and after getting through the logistics of getting there, we watched as  R  heated some stones. The appropriate dress for the ceremony in the lodge was a bathing suit. We got into a line and  then we filed in one by one saying the words   MAI TAI YAKI HO  roughly translated as  greeting to all friends. 

Upon entering we crowded around the fire pit and watched as red hock rocks were thrown into the pit and the cover flap of the tent was  closed. The first round was done with drumming and chanting  by R ,leading a chant in the  Tohono O'dam, his native language. 

Then the chant was  concluded and cool night air was allowed in. Once again red hot rocks were brought in the flap  was poured closed and water poured upon the rocks . THe sweat had really begun. After a few moments prayers began, Talking in a sweat lodge with a Shaman in praying. The chance to share what is deepest in your soul in the company of others. It starts generally with gratitude at least  it did for me, I thanked my guru  Neem Karoli Baba for bringing me to the right place , at the right  time ,with the right people, and the right circumstances to hear and understand exactly what I need to know. I asked that learn to transform my suffering since because if I could transform my suffering I could transform that of others. 

The nature of a sweat lodge is that you are in uncomfortable circumstances feeling various degrees of pain ,heat cold sweat crowded into a small space with others sitting on the ground and sharing with other what  I want. The more intense the outward manifestation of the suffering the more clearing it is in the soul and the deeper the sharing. To reveal what are the deep concerns of your life and ask for help from the great spirit however that is conceived. To some it was a great opportunity ,some used it to ask for deep parts of their desires,  such as to allow them to be better parents or children, to ask for the way back to life after losing a  beloved figure such as a sibling, to pray to the great spirit for children to come back  onto the path , or elders to  have  their suffering relieved, to ask forgiveness ,and to forgive.  As the sharing of the suffering increased the bond of those who participated increased. Concomitantly the letting go of the sense of isolation and separateness decreased. 

This sweat was a good one for beginners . 

I still held back and in the holding back have held onto a level of my own suffering. I was not alone in the holding back. 

I am entering the promised land slowly. I see all of the impediments and I realize that more purification needs to be done but the resolution to do  is so strong now.  Freedom  from suffering for all is a worthwhile goal .
      I am on that path.

Shinzen Young retreat 11-14-10

        Another extraordinary morning  . I awoke at about 2 and could not sleep having spent 4 hours awake the night before doing the yaza i did not want to repeat the experience again. For years great teachers middle teachers and small teachers have been telling me to pay attention to the body. I thought that I had been I ate well, exercised and did not do anything abusive, the results of course was a belief that nothing else mattered. THe diagnosis of prostate cancer changed that.  

The prima amiga noticed that I was having urinary frequency and suggested that I get a check up.  Even though my ex went yearly my neighbor had prostate cancer . Until a certain awareness was apparent , grace in the form of someone who loves me and said it with concern and without judgement , I  could not hear.

Likewise with last night I have done breathing exercises body scans and yoga but always from the viewpoint of the head. 

Laying awake wanting to sleep I started doing muscle relaxation with the breath  one of the simple as dirt exercises that anyone  yogi or meditator  would know. I started doing them and immediately watched as my mind said" this is boring and then the voice from the guru rejoined with a question "You want entertainment?"

The answer was obvious even to me, Of course not! I want to sleep. Turning my attention back to the process of relaxing the body the thought occurred to me that even if I do this the rest of the night at least I will  really be relaxed in the morning. WIthin a minute I was fast asleep.

The next step in the process this morning came after awaking and realizing that I felt guilty for having been so foolish and obstinate for so long. In my mind, doing something so foolish  for so long in the face of so many people telling, nay, yelling it at me is a golden opportunity  to belittle myself and feel shame . Not letting go of another opportunity the process of shame and belittlement started again. This time with the very thing that had been ignored these many years came to save me.

By breathing deeply in to the the physical sensation that was being generated by the thoughts of shame and belittlement  another wave of letting go took place and the shame, the belittlement, and the berating, stopped. To be replaced by a deep sense of forgiveness and release.

A realization came that I can not  change things until I am ready to hear . No more  than anyone who finally hears the message of love and forgiveness  that is our eternal birthright.

My nephew, B ,has a phrase which I think sums this up beautifully , "Things aren't until they are, and then they always were." I wasn't forgiven  until I was and then I always had been.

Original sin has for me the meaning of what I have done to myself and suffered the consequences for . I do no think many people feel that I have transgressed them or their sensibilities, the prima amiga will no doubt let me know otherwise, but if I have, they are not acts of deliberation but rather acts of ignorance.

Since I have begun the path of self forgiveness and rebirth within myself asking forgiveness of others when I become aware of it seems easy, although it probably isn't.  It certainly is easier than what I have been doing to myself.

The morning did not stop there. Sitting in the mediation hall  we were chanting Om Mane Padme Hu, ( Hail to the Jewel in the Lotus)  Essentially  paying homage to the Buddha in ourselves and others. It felt wonderful ,my whole body was singing.

This is going to be an interesting day.

Contraction and expansion were the themes for this mornings meditation and talk. In watching my mind I noted that the awareness contracted inward and became concentrated or would expand outward and become more diffuse. As I would meditate the thought of the coming weeks activities would emerge and I would note that there would be an expansion of the consciousness and I would would breath into the feeling that were caused be the contraction that fear the the imagination would give me as to what may be the results of tests.

Life expands death contracts and both are a natural and unavoidable part of being .  I am working with this.

Guess that I have had enough breakthroughs for the day the rest of the time was spent in getting use to the system of awareness that Shinzen is working with, lots of rich stuff.

Nothing else except went for a walk this afternoon to the top of a local ridge , a good hike but I fell in a cactus patch, nothing hurt but one of my favorite jackets is now loaded with thorns and I will abandon it here tomorrow.

Shinzen Young retreat 11-13-10

       Had a dream last night that  when I went to the doctors office I was given a questionnaire that asked when the problem was  and not where or what and that I filled the form out and said that it occurred right in the yaza. 

I spent Some 3 and one half hours in meditation in the all night meditation sit know as the yaza. I thought there  were going to be several people there from some of the way folks talked but there were only 2 others when I arrived and after 50 minutes one of them left. T the leader and I went for another 3 hours almost. Then I felt tiredness coming and went to bed.

began with a meditation on pain. Specifically I felt some tension in the perineum which allowed me to meditate on the image of something fearful ie prostate cancer , the thoughts of something fearful the consequences of cancer, and an  inner feeling of fear of painful death,  As I watched each one of these broke  apart and changed into something different leaving me with a net neutral in all three. Then I brought awareness to the body and relaxed the face and arms  then the feel the shoulders then calves working my way steadily to the actual sensation. By the time that I arrived with consciousness at the  destination the sensation was almost  gone. 

Another lesson; Do not try to work with the most intense area of pain but approach the point elliptically  The actual pain will have reduced significantly and then can be fully brought into awareness. The flavor of the pain  can then be examined along with time of waves color and any synesthesia effects , etc.

It was quite an education about the capability of the meditative system that I am learning. My meditative skills are becoming very good they need to be.

9 am--- Just did a meditation in which I brought awareness first to a point then transfered that awareness by letting go into an exquisite union with the divine, ? I sat with that awhile using the cognition of subtle laxity and excitation to bring this into finer and finer sates of bliss. Noticed that the body became part of the bliss, at one point and than realized that I could move this bliss of awareness into the abdomen and pelvic girdle ,the area that needs love the most in this body. Spent the rest of the meditation feeling love flow from the heart into that area.

THen the bell rang and it took awhile to unwind from that . I will practice more after breakfast.

10 am- How much the mind wants to return to the comfortable old ways that it knows. Leaving breakfast I noted an ad for an artist's home near here with beautiful views on 4 acres . Immediately the mind was wheeling and dealing to figure out how to acquire that beautiful property. It was  completely away from the moment and into the future.  While not ten minutes before the mind stopped  thinking in the in the middle of a bite of food and the higher self washed over the somatic body. Leaving after maybe 5 minutes of bliss and totally in the now.

2 pm- This place has internet service, got a late email from the ex. Also got to see what the market did. I was about three days premature in my prognostication. Shinzen has mentioned working with me on the project to get money for the young meditators. I had an insight on how to do that . I hope to engage him in more extended conversation at the Sweat lodge on Sunday. The morning meditation was choice less awareness  a zen form of mediation it is easy once you get the basic steps that SHinzen teaches. I could do it in a heartbeat however now that I am beginning to understand some of the finer points of the various mediations I recognize that I easily go into  Kundalini meditation from  that point and that would be further than Shinzen is socially set up to accommodate. Fulling acting out and SHinzen has not gone their yet or if he has he is not prepared to teach it.

6 pm - whew, Just did 2 1/2 hours of meditation culminating with a deity meditation. Becoming Maharaji  somatically , auditorially  and visually.  Becoming ones guru with a great deal of intensity is amazing but in hind side that was what was suppose to happen anyway. THe idea in Buddhism is not to become a follower of Buddha but to become a Buddha.  Also took a 45 minute hike.

Shinzen Young retreat 11-12-10

       AMONG THE TOXIC PARTS OF THE PERSONLITY THAT  CONSTITUTES WHat is called I is the unattractive and injurious  self pity. While it is not  an overriding theme in the personlity it exists there. THis mornings meditation was upon feel and  a new concept flow. 

When thoughts arise for me they are often accompanied by an inner feeling to them. THere is a somatic response to I love you when thought about myself it is pronounce the thought I hate you has a different response and is not one in which healing easily exists. 

Those being more extreme examples, THe thoughts that come up are around how in this morning the prima amiga could do more to help me  followed by how muhc I care and love her then followed by some type of guilt leave a definite somatic impression and the flow of those physcial impressions were the whtat I ws ws observing theis morning. THey physically feel  as  flow of feeling that are moving in  and around the body s they are more carefullly scrutinized they are changed from something that is a pejorative to something that is just flowing phenomena. Neither good nor bad. As they begin to fade in awareness there is what SY calls gone. THey are not in the field of awareness. At that point there is a mere emptyness that can be enjoyed in various meditative forms of which the shamatha practices that I am good at become very easy to slip in.

SHINZEN YOUNG Retreat 11-11-10

     IT IS  8:30 AM -Got cold last night so I turned on the space heater in the room. Noisy device which covered up the sound of the wake up bell.. Got dressed in a hurry speed on down to the Zen-do and as i was about to open the door the red light went on . The protocol being stay out when the red light goes on.  Well all dressed up and no place to go. It is cold and i am layering all of my clothes. 

In this heavily layered apparel I came back to the room and meditated for about  an hour then went back to the zendo to realize that I had missed the exchange period of going in or out and noticed that the sun was rising . Back to the room for the trusty camera which  I brought. Searching for the most scenic spot was easy just go up . The highest point on the land was where i wound up with the cactus and the thorns in my pants and everything but got some good pictures . 

Signed up for the sweat lodge on Sunday ,don't know all that much except it is intense heat followed by cooling that takes place four times. My doctor gave me the full moon pill and said take Friday night so not to interfere with the sweat. It is great to have a doctor who is not only unfazed by the thought of meditation and sweat lodges but adapts her strategy to maximize the gains to be had by doing these activities.

Have my final outside call for doctors appointments today, setting up an appointment in LA with some specialists. I don't have any great faith in their expertise  but the drug called pro venge which is approved by the FDA is wait listed and i figured that these guys have better access to getting their patients on that than the oncologist that i am going to in Phoenix.

Also may pick up a voice mail from prima amiga. who is on retreat at the IMF Center in Barre,  Massachusetts , it fills me with joy to hear her voice.

IT IS NOON -No voice mail ,but got the appointment made for the 23rd of Nov. in LA. don't know if i will fly or ride thinking of flying then can do it in 1 day rather than drive to LA/ I would be able to see G a good friend of the prima amigas and get a sympathetic ear perhaps , but  LA is just a hassle to get around in and Turkey day will be two days later letting me believe that transportation will be gummed either flying or driving.

Felt fine today, felt so good that I feel asleep in the meditation hall, someone had to awaken me from snoring. I just have to be careful about that. Sometime there is a fine line between going into bliss and going to sleep. I am going to stay up late tonight to  meditate with Shinzen in what is called online meditation. He has you sit in a small room connected to him via a telephone and he gives instructions,in an individual manner. If i can stay awake I have a raft of questions to ask  .

The moment is paramount at the retreat . How do I approach each and every moment with completeness, joy , and love?  For when those are filling my life , the decisions that I must make will be motivated and fulfilled with those conditions.

IT IS 4  PM Going to take a shower and maybe do some sack time. 

Well went to the hot tub instead sat in the 8 fold bath of the upper middle way with B a cognitive psych professor from u of G .  We had a few good laughs naming the right things for out 8 fold bath like, right temperature, right time  right location, right companions,right food, right drink ,right conversation etc. 

IT IS 6PM Did not intend to do so but went to the meditation, a 90 min job thought I would last maybe 30. Turned into the best meditation here so far.

What I call the meditative adsorption  or Jannas became the meditation  ; 90 minutes of bliss.  I think Shinzen and I  are talking about the same thing. with some questions either this evening or on the online sessions I will find out.

It is 11pm We are talking about the same thing. I got exactly what he meant I use differnent words. Learned about the concept of flow in the senses watching the walls feeling the body and listening for the quality of sound that proceed hearing within and how with awareness in these outer and inner form nothing remains static and to observe these changes constitutes fllow. A more difficult practice , but i have it ! Now just do the practice tomorrow.

Shiinzen Young retreat 11-10-10

        I am into the  SHinzen Young retreat and it is living up to expectations. It founder teaches Vipassana meditation  in a virtual form environment. By this I mean we do not get caught in the content  of the process of our minds but rather label the forms that are neutrally observable . He also teaches it as game theory. We are beginning with the simplest of games ,tic tac toe. by drawing the # of a tic tac toe we get to fill in the blanks with combinations of see , hear ,  feel and tell if they are in out or at rest. The rows would be the senses the columns are the states.  The goal of the game is to observe which way the conscious mind is be drawn . 

To watch the mind being drawn to these various places is relatively easy and I enjoy the practice , the enjoyment of the practice is the object of the game. As the mind enjoys an activity is more easily drawn to it the next time that the playing takes place. Since I am new to the game I have to practice joyfully in order to get the game down well. 

I had to leave this afternoon to make an appointment in Tucson with Dr Dickey who is the Tibetan doctor that I am consulting with. She got the urine sample read the lab reports and took my pulse. Her observations are that my skin is dry and I am dehydrated. Blood levels ae good and the life force is still strong. We discussed the rise in psa and I told her of the recommendations that are possible in the near future dealing with the chemotherapy drug taxatore. She said to call her an let her know of the results of the blood test THursday and gave me some herbs that may limit the rise of psa . I asked about what results that she could point to about TIbetan medicine and she said that it mainly has to do with energy and protection of the other cells from t he cancer.

The most interesting thing she said was that the meditations I am doing and the process that is involved with it is that the cleaning of the emotional body, psychic body etc with meditation  is the reflection of purging the physical system of the afflictions..

I now feel that I have a more  clear idea about my path. The mental afflictions that I seem to have are reflections of the physical and vise versa so cleaning this system in a holistic way is the appropriate method for me . 

Hungry Ghosts

    
 I am preparing for a week long retreat with Shinzen Young . He is a vipassana meditation teacher and has been a teacher of the Prima Amiga and with her encouragement I am going to spend a week studying with him. He works with the various aspects of pain emotional and physical and I have found his teachings to be very helpful in dealing with all the afflictions of mind  and I can see how learning this material will help in staying mindful during affliction and pain of the body.

       Today the dukha( suffering) that seemed to be the flavor of the day was dancing in the realm of the hungry ghosts.The pretas in Tibetan . They are usually portrayed as large bellied thin necked creatures always attempting to consume more than they can swallow .
The character on the left of the blue Buddha in the picture above.
       The hungry ghost realm is where there is never enough and no matter how fast or hard that the level of consumption is pushed it never will fill the huge belly that always wants more.
        My lease in that realm seem to  be active today. Running around trying to get everything done to prepare for the event left me busy and nervous and not fulfilled. THe big moment when I got to realize how much I was part of the realm was when I went to the park to do a hike and got behind a truck that was moving at about 3 mph. I watched as the moment dissolved into the desire that things move faster and I not be stuck there. Suddenly it was not enough to be in  a beautiful park ,near sunset ,comfortably attired and feed and feeling good. I had to be at the  parking spot 30 seconds faster and nothing would make me happier.
         The irony hit me , I took a deep breath and then another, and another. Calmer I found myself at the parking spot and turned into it and then walked the park for 45 minutes. I still have a lease on that realm. I hope to surrender  a lot of it this week.

Not as bad a feared

    
  Went to the oncologist office today with S my  friend who has had breast cancer and is a gifted reiki therapist as well as being brilliant and caring and B who is a close friend and a CNA at the local hospice. They  and I listened to the information that was given to me about the bodies condition. What is the generally said was that the Bone Scan was excellent, A CT  scan is in order and the the PSA number is rising. This indicates that the cancer is replicating without testosterone. I have gone off of Casodex and the results of that will not be know until  next month but being off that may be temporary( reminds me of the Buddhist teaching on all things being subject to impermanence ) until the next series of events. After the next blood test  a decision needs to made as to follow a course of the chemotherapy drug taxatore. It is a plant alkaloid that attacks the rapidly dividing cells of the body. Cancer is the primary target, however other rapidly dividing cells are also attacked so stomach lining , nails and hair are also subject to attack. The side effects are nausea ,diarrhea , weight gain, sleepiness, and numbness in the fingers and toes.
            Both S and B  were optimistic about what they heard  I believe that to be the correct attitude.
            I got  phone call from Prima AMiga right before I went into the doctors office but did not catch it in time and the message was garbled. I know she sent love and encouragement and I am most appreciative as well as grateful for S& B for their company, love and  support. Friends are good.
            So next week is meditation with SHinzen Young who wrote of dealing with the pain of difficult emotions  and pain in general. THe right person at the right time.

        

Riding out the calm

       Got back from Simon Med for the first part of the bone scan. N , the tech told me that I will set of the alarms at the airport if I try to board a plane. That certainly makes me feel safer.
Things are looking a bit grim from the standpoint of life extension. PSA is rising even with the testosterone suppressant.

         Not to be entirely gloomy however N noticed on the x-ray pictures that the area around the breast bone is glowing. Radioactively is what he meant and also that since I had never had surgery on the chest he said that it is a good sign that healing is taking place. 

        To place hope in words like these is the natural reaction and I had it and I realized that I have been through the highs and lows of this game before so I therefore merely watch it as reactions that the body has. If the mind gets trapped into either fear or hope it is out of the moment and dukha(suffering) follows. By staying in the moment news is adsorbed, the bodies reactions are honored, and I can choose to stay with them or relax into them. 

         Friday I will see the oncologist and find out her recommendations. That will be followed by a week with Shinzen Young  studying the subject of dealing with emotional and physical pain.Then I will have to make decisions . Prima Amiga will be through with her retreat at Barre Ma. and will have a major voice in what I will be doing. I have learned enough to go into non-dualism around this subject and the process of dying so while the challenges are big I have and am developing the skills to work with them.
For instance ,last night I watched as I feel asleep. It was on an out breath.
Lucid dreaming is  more accessible but control is awful. One of the great things is that dreams and reality become so blurred in my meditation that I can carry that reality into some of the intense situations that I am facing.

        I talked to K  the therapist I see occasionally. She was interested in seeing Shinzen also. We spoke of the situation and I heard myself talk from my soul as to how well I am doing , it was reassuring. We also talked about the growing relationship with Prima Amiga and how I went to see K in part to reassure Prima Amiga of my centeredness since we are so involved she does feel objective about what she is listening to.Things like my need for boundaries and joining

          We talked of the faith that I have in Prima Amiga and how strong it has become that she will do the right thing for both of us. I have that faith.

            Also talked about this morning and having phone love making. Came upon both of so fast we did not realize it. Great fun and love.

           I am now at home and at peace grateful not to have to listen to callers asking for my vote.

             

           

letting go

          Went for Zometa today and received the word about the PSA test . The numbers are accelerating and that is a sign that the cancer has learned how to replicate without testosterone. This news comes to me and I feel a great deal of equanimity.
           I will have to face a nuclear bone san tomorrow at 8:30 and then the x-rays at noon and I don't expect a great deal of change since the PSA is beginning to rise and most of the tests are within parameters. Friday my friend Sandra and maybe Bill will accompany me to the oncologist and get her advice. Lisa who will be traveling wants to have an email sent to her which I will do.
            I have been  practicing meditation for 40 years and this is the payoff. Facing death is easier since the knowledge of no-self helps. If I thought that I am my body I would freak out.  It is dying. If I thought that I was only my mind or senses or emotions to have to give them up would leave me in terror. As it is I have learned enough not to be attached to being me or I and have more and more identified with the awareness itself rather than what the awareness is aware of.
          I have been aware of all of the ways Mara, the buddhist word for illusion, manifests and have seen through the illusion to truth. It is not a heaven or a hell but is rather a sense of being and non-being.
          My girlfriend is one of the great joys of my life and we are together now as few could ever hope to be. I would wish the beauty such a relationship be the blessing of everyone .
          Tomorrow I also see my friends from the pilgrimage who will be here in the evening.
Need to firm up the time .
          The vale of this life is becoming thinner and more transparent.
            Love is the only thing that can endure.

Changes

                
           Went hiking in the white mountains, Mt Escadilla. The third highest mountain in Arizona. Most of the leaves had been washed from the trees in the rain but did get to the place where I could walk back down through the above pictured ravine.
           This is a difficult hike and I could not complete it. I am either out of shape which is often the case when I start getting back in shape after a summer of not being as actively hiking or the the body has weakened that it can not do what was easy before.
           Some of this is of course an aspect of age , and as such must be acknowledged and respected. some of this may be  an aspect of the drugs that the body is subjected to and that must be fought.  Finding that balance is my path. Learning  inner joy is the gift.
            I had a day yesterday that would have thrown me completely into despair  realizing that I had not been as attended on the levels of PSA in the tests I have been given I found myself in panic. However after sitting with this for a few minutes I realized that is was only a wave that was going through me and just as a large wave washes over  a rock on the seashore. It rose and dropped just as surely as the ebb and flow of the ocean.
            It was an exercise in mindfulness and equanimity the rest of the day, there was simply a sense of being present with whatever emotion or pain emerged. It was not difficult since there was not anything to attach to it. The mind functions normally but the awareness of the mind stays still .
            My prima amiga sent me an extensive collection of audio tapes of a teacher named Shinzen Young. I have learned how to transpose the tapes into the computer and have been doing so . While doing so the subject matter on the tapes came to the forefront . Emotional pain, mainly fear, although all emotions for me are not pure but rather a jumbled mess that I can extract one part out of and then another. As each of these are brought to awareness there is a growing realization of what the buddha was talking about when he spoke of impermanence . Nothing lasts including whatever is the flavor of emotional or physical suffering that is being experienced.
           Shantideva the famous 8th century Indian Buddhist philosopher once said that people call to themselves the very thing of which they are most afraid. I certainly do have a great deal of concern and fear about metastatic bone cancer , but not facing the fear will not undo the diagnosis and will certainly make things worse since it will transform into a hell. Facing the fear will allow for the transformation to  awareness rather than running from awareness. It may change the physical nature of the body ,it will change the emotional and psychological nature of the mind.
            It already has.

Late Sunday afternoon

        It is late in the afternoon on Sunday and I have had a day in which using the meditation that I am learning has  brought me up to the old feelings that I would l often have growing up . I notice that I can no longer characterize them  like I used to. I would formerly described them as intense melancholy and I would flee from them mentally as quickly as I could unsuccessfully I might  add . Now it is something that observed closely is like watching a boring TV show.
       I went for a hike after my morning meditation and walked a different route. I walking this route I discovered garbage that had been lying  on the hillside for many years. Cans broken glass shot up bowls all rusty and very unattractive. I picked the garbage up and before I realized it I had more than I could comfortably carry.
       After disposing of the material I drove home and continued a project that I have been doing this week. That of recording into the computer all of the old tapes that have been sitting in the closet.  Winne the Pooh to Understanding Buddhist Psychology, the Ramayana to the Rolling Stones. I have heard what I have collected over the years and have put aside for newer and fresher things.  While playing these tapes I have been playing some computer chess and am gradually getting better. Another thing from my past that I had forgotten and put aside thinking that I had outgrown them.
         In the afternoon I spoke to the prima and now only girlfriend. SHe had been visiting her high school class reunion and spoke of how she had felt the same type of feelings that had been uncomfortable for her in high school had returned and or perhaps had never left. It was unfulfilling then and still is. It brought forth in me the same type of response about that which had not been fulfilled then was not fulfilled now.
           Later I talked to K the woman who I had thought would be a big part of my life and it turned out that she was since she fulfilled the role of catalyst in bringing A and I together into a union.(The desk clerk at the hotel we stayed at in San Antonio called her Ms. Meyer. )Anyway I needed K's help in filling some order forms for Tibetan herbs. She is happy in her new existence and I am happy for her.
           This feeling lasted the request number of hours before it passed and I had an opportunity to look
at it more closely as I become more skilled I will be able to figure out what was going on.
         One of the speculations that I have about this is that it is that it is part of the energy work from John of God . The sensations of having a energetic awareness of so much of my body at these times might be a possible explanation.
          Time will tell.

Following in the footsteps of the three stooges

 Today I learned a great lesson. One should use only dishwasher  detergent in a dishwasher. Had some leftover Palmolive dish soap and threw it into the dishwasher  figuring that it would wash the dishes I guess it does but here are the pictures of the results.

Exhausted:The first day

This was written four days ago on a computer that did not have internet access:

I am tired   , lonely, depressed, and afraid. I guess that just about covers it.

All I need is a dark and stormy night with a broken car and I could write my own country and western song..

            I’m  on  three day meditation retreat and  after a long sleep the first night I got up to the morning meditation and feel asleep. Wound up snoring to boot. Tried to sit up straight this afternoon but realized  that does not help.

            Facing the feelings of loneliness and despair in meditation is the only way through this stuff. I have glimpses of what it is like when I am not possessed by these feelings.  When I can meditate through this I becoming deeply calm and possessed with an inner quiet that reminds me of why I am choosing the path that I am on. But the road to that nirvana is twisting , filled with potholes, narrow and sometimes seems like a dead end. Today it is the later and I am just hanging on to whatever sense of direction that I have  because this is not easy.

            The only way to conquer  these afflicitions of the mind is through them. Experience them in as mindful a way as I can so that they do not become suppressed and have even more deleterious effects that which are no longer acceptable to me. I am tired of the suffering and my attachment to it and wish  I could just give it up. I am determined to do so and that is the path that I am following.

            Knowing that death is certain if  I outlive the affliction of cancer or not makes this all the more compelling.  While this may not sound like it what I am doing is what I know will make a rich life and a peaceful death.  

            I hope that what I am writing in this blog will give some courage and strength to some soul who needs encouragement. 

            The first anniversary of my  biopsy was today and Oct 12 will be the 1^st anniversary of when the results were given to me and the adventure  began. I have lived longer than I expected and except for being tired which  seems to have more to do with  the psychic surgery  and traveling  than anything else I physically feel excellent .

             More days of meditation. CHuladasa , the guy who runs this place was quite kind and forgiving in informing me about the snoring and we agreed to just let me sleep when I need to . But not in the meditation hall.

            I also am doing the Zengar in the afternoon. That is the ekg device that gives biofeedback .  It is suppose to have some noticeable changes in after the 15^th  episode and I just had number thirteen today. One more tomorrow and one Monday and then I will observe whatever that I can .

            

Second day at three day retreat

This was written three days ago while on retreat on a computer that did not have internet access:

I am now in Cochise Stronghold for a three  day meditation retreat. It is based around shamatha Vispassana and will be mostly sitting meditation with some guidance and talking and lat least that is what I expect.

            Since the John of God I have been doing the protocol that accompanies the visit. Drinking some of the holy water not doing any fancy energy work, ie yoga reiki shamans etc. and staying in bed between 12 and 5 in the morning, except for bathroom breaks.

            The results have been that while I feel fine the energy level that I have is subdued and I am devoting my time to playing chess, meditation reading,  hulu- the free movie channel and  talking with the prima amiga about a book that we are reading by Philp Moffit called dancing  with life.

            It is a study of the four noble truths and how they can have a beneficial effect on the mind. It is \ useful in that the other day I got the lab results about the PSA numbers and they are showing a minor rise. That is not good .  The mental consternation that this causes is quite pronounced and if I did not have meditation practice to fall back upon I cannot imagine how I would be able to handle the  anxiety and fear that is engendered. I can look at it as an opportunity to deepen my practice as I watch this news has its effects.

            The blood test was taken before the trip to New York so that is one variable in the equation that has yet to be factored in. Another comes from my urologist who just attended a conference on the subject and has taken me off of Casodex , the oral pill that is a testosterone suppressant. It seems that that may be the cause of the rise.

            The next test will give some more salient information.

            So I have my work cut out for me . Staying present with the news and watching each piece of the play unolf without attachemt,

John of God

     In the plains of Brazil lives a healer know as John of God . A man who at nine years old was visited by entities spiritual beings that directed him by taking possession of his body and using the body to heal people. He has quite a track record and his famous throughout the world.  When I started the journey I felt that I would be going to see him and had prepared myself to go to Brazil/, John was coming to AMerica specifically to the Omega Institute in Rhine beck New York.  A discussion with a friend revealed that he wanted to see John and further discussion revealed that there were two more  pilgrims . We banded together bought our tickets arranged for the event and were on our way.
       In a large white circus tent 1300 people all dressed in white gathered to see the entity and receive the healing blessings that are given. We lined up  in queues several hundred people deep to parade in front of the entity and receive instructions as to whether we would receive a special blessing , or a spiritual intervention,
    The first day I was told to come back for a spiritual intervention. That afternoon I joined t several hundred people getting a spiritual intervention. We were brought  into to the main building from the tent and placed in chairs and rows that facilitated large numbers being blessed in rapid order. THe whole process which involved closing the eyes placing the hand over the heart and  listening to a blessing from the entity,
      I said the pledge of allegiance , It seemed natural ,Then got the blessing from the entity, It was easy. We were then escorted back to the circus tent and given the instruction to go to bed for 24 hours.
       I thought that was a bit long but it turned out about right. All I could do was sleep. And I awoke from that sleep stiff and sore. The explanation is that the entities had done surgery and that we were in recovery mode. It certainly felt as if I had been hit by a truck.
       The following day my fellow pilgrims got their spiritual interventions and I realized that I was the designated driver. Taking all three of them back to the hotel where they could rest. I went for another pass in front of the entity and was told to return the next morning for another spiritual intervention.  THe evening passed very painfully , difficult to sleep aches in hips, backs, fingers, and an intense sense of being in that situation. An intense sense of awareness that made it difficult to sleep.
        I returned to blessing room for the spiritual intervention , received it and was exhausted by the time I walked back to the circus tent. It was  raining very hard and I was difficult to stay dry  even thought I had a raincoat. My energy became weaker and weaker and slept in  house on the campus designed to the weary. Cots were everywhere.
       The pilgrims then started our return journey to Phoenix. Each of us were exhausted and coughing , dizzy and hardly functioning. The long flight was delayed because of weather and we did not arrive until midnight local time in Phoenix.
      I ache, my butt is sore from the sitting, my sinuses are draining , I have an appointment this afternoon to receive the Zometa transfusion . That does not seem wise at the moment.
        I did not take a camera but R took pictures so when he sends it to me I will post it.
 

Home again

        Had an experience this weekend that let me go a little further into letting go . I went  to San Antonio Texas to spend a long weekend with Prima Amiga. We arrived at roughly the same time at the airport and took a cab to the Hotel. At the hotel the doormen took the luggage from the trunk of the cab and placed it in the lobby.  However the computer I was carrying, a book I had read on the plane and all of the medicines that I had been taking was not part of the luggage.
         Being with the Prima Amiga , a vipassana meditation teacher, and using my own mindfulness training allowed me to let go in rapid order. Within an hour I had come to the acceptance of not having and not wanting. I knew what I could do and what I could not and let go into the moment of spending a wonderful time with my beloved prima amiga. We talked , went dancing, walking on the beautiful river walk  section of the city and enjoyed each others company as we always do.
          The next day I got several pills from the pharmacy to cover the lost one while I was gone and we proceeded to enjoy the sights of the city. Went swimming in the hotel pool found the only vegetarian restaurant in San Antonio and danced in the elevator until a rather embarrassed woman got on and the prima amiga made her welcome by giving her a hug.
         We talked about getting together in December , discussed the book the Philp Moffitt book Dancing to Live , discussed her lesson plans for her Vipassana meditation class. Used the material in the book to further our meditation practice by not grasping at something that was lost.
         We flew out yesterday morning to our respective homes and had a wonderful time.
         I am typing this blog on the computer that was lost and returned.

August in Pictures

Camping out in the mountains of Virginia on Lake Moomaw. Used prima amigas canoe.

Lake Moomaw. There is a bass fishing tournament every Friday night. I guess that the bass are frightfully fast since the fishermen have high speed boats that they race up and down the lake in stopping to throw a line in the water for a few moments and then racing further up and down the lake until late at night hoping to hook one of these elusive creatures.

I paddle far too slowly for the high speed bass.

The bass and the fishermen raced by our camp site all Friday night.

Prima Amiga and me  on a friends pontoon boat. They were fishing for the slower swimming fish of the lake.

Slow fishing friends.

A much less strenuous form of fishing.

Eating the catch.

Preserving these important missives for posterity.

Bhaktifest

              Just finished several days of chanting the names of god at Bhaktifest. THe headliners were ,







Kishna Das

 Deva Premal. 

Jai Uttal


. and


Shantala

 with Benjy and Heather Werthheimer. It was the opportunity to feel love in the most outlandish open and wonderful ways imaginable. As an example when I had returned from the festival to my car to change the clothes that I was wearing  I met  an attractive young lass who was using the hood of my car as a laundry rack. I did not mind and told  her to continue since I was not going to take the car anywhere. SHe asked me to help her get dressed as she was wearing bracelets that needed to be tied. First there was a passionate embrace and a kiss followed by the tying  of the bracelets followed by another passionate embrace and parting. This was  done in a very slow and delightful way and I certainly enjoyed it.

     I watched another supple young woman who was doing yoga exercises with a partner during the chanting.  She was balanced on her partners feet . She was also bald and and had a henna tattoo that was different every day one day it looked like a yarmulke , and the next it looked like a exotic sweatband , and third it looked like a crown. There was another woman who was dressed as the Hindu Goddess Kali. With the skulls around her neck and hands as a waistband. Most entertaining.
       I stayed with a long time friends  in Yucca Valley sleeping out on their patio under the stars in the cool high desert nights.
      They have many roles one of them being both are ministers and they had become the caretaker of a homeless  man who was ill. He is quite kind and well read on many subjects. He seemed quite intelligent but in talking to him it became apparent that he was something of a lost child who needed care and had not grown up.  I gave him some money mainly to help my friends since his leaving would lessen the burden that he imposed .
       I also listened to the drama that their lives involved a granddaughter who was illegitimate angry and rebellious . Who was turning from my friends back to her paternal grandparents whose interests seem to be auctioning estates , fundamental Christianity , and plastic surgery. I have a very limited picture I am sure but the suffering is real and the heartache undeniable. The mother is a very attractive young woman who has an affluent boyfriend with whom she is building a house. The boyfriend knows of the child but does not know that it is his girlfriends daughter. Confusing the child and striking a note of emotional dishonesty that draws everyone in.
        Interesting drama , but ultimately it is just drama. And both my friends realize that while it is they are caught in it.
        I got my big lesson from the family dog. A loyal but very distrustful animal that growls and snaps at everyone. Finding myself getting angry with the dog I realized that I had been taught a lesson of attachment. I started to feed the dog by hand . By open hand not holding the food in the fingers. THe growling ceased . Obvious in retrospect , by being loving and kind suspicions were diminished. It is not a one shot process . Now to discover how that applies to my fellow beings.
         During the festival I was convinced that I should to have an interview with Howard Wills  an energy healer. It was quite fascinating. After describing the condition and what are the modalities of treatment he had me sit and meditate. It was the experience of becoming extremely aware of various parts of my body. Starting with the nose, which has been runny and sneezing. The awareness or energy if you will descended in to the abdomen , the to the pelvic girdle and from their the feet. The culmination became an awareness of the body as an energy field that I was able to visualize and feel at the same time. Quite interesting in that thoughts were not part of this process and were entirely peripheral to the process that was taking place.

While this picture is more complex than what I was seeing in that meditation is does give an example of what  the vision was. And it was accompanied by  sensation of each of these lines as awareness or energy.