new year

Attended a healing gong meditation event last evening with 40 healers. I was in the center of the group with three other people and we were all getting rid of something. What I wanted to get rid of was the cancer.

As I was laying there I noticed that my mood lifted and that the tenor of my thought became much more healing and positive. THe people involved were healers ,part of the Sikh /3HO tradition and searchers for a positive outcome to the events of their lives.

THey are inspired focused and positive and their energy feels wonderful when down . THey lead to lots of life affirming decisions and are good in their way. Well disciplined and focused.

Spent new years eve with a friend . Started by going to the Sikh ashram and realized that I was out of place and uncomfortable called a lady I know found that she was doing nothing and visited her for a time . We sang kirtan to Dave Stringer and I loved it. Left early since Ira and I were going to a vajra rogini empowerment on New Years Day.

New Year's day was an opportunity to listen toe tapes that my prima amiga had sent me .. Spiritual Madness by Caroline Myss. A woman who has faced quite a bit in her life and made very good choices because of the wisdom that she has gained. The modern mystic was the theme for the tapes. Learning how to deal with the establishment of a functioning I and the the dissolution of the I which is the mystic path.

I resonated with those stories that spoke of suffering , loneliness, and abandonment and learning to give thanks for plenty in the midst of lack, being grateful in the most difficult of times for if that can be done then when the good times return as they do that then there is more to even be grateful for.

I thought of one instance that one has to balance this idea . THe other story is of a woman who was a poor swimmer who left a boat because of her seasickness. The boat was blown away by a sudden wind but several of her fellow passengers jumped in the water to comfort her. THey were good Buddhists and as the Buddhists are want to do talked to her about what she would want in this moment suggesting such things as love, kindness, compassion and equanimity. Her response was that she wanted the boat back.

Another part of her talk was of a small boy who had a brain tumor that made a bargain with God to heal himself of it. He had a child's vision of how to do it stuck to the bargain that he made knowing that it may not work and had no guarantees and and one point when he was busy fighting the tumor let go of the struggle and let God control. He was successful in defeating the disease.

For me I have had enough of loneliness and abandonment for the time being and am working on human contact ,friendship, inspiration ,learning and letting go of a non-social life.I am not versed in in yet but am loving the people who are around me and giving me their time , and companionship. My heart tells me that healing lies more in this direction than more austerity. Enjoying life has more appeal at the moment than giving up hope and fear but oddly as I write this enjoying life may be the way to give up hope and fear.

Another Day

Routine report from the pits, worked out at gym, met the ex at a new doctors office an oncologist in Glendale. Got the PSA numbers explained so that the concern now is to keep the number low for as long a period of time as possible postponing the need for chemo for ever lengthening periods.

Qualified good news. Arranged financial world differently and coordinated financial life.

Going to a party with a group of healers tonight and staying with a friend to keep staying sane.

Planning on going to garchan rinpoche's varjra rogini empowerment new years day .

Head & Heart

When I spoke to Ram Dass I came away with one overriding understanding and that is to follow my heart. My heart will lead me because it encompasses the head and not the other way around. The head can announce the vision once the heart decides, but if the head announces a visionary direction and the heart is not in it nothing will come of it. My heart is in the place of healing. I can actively involve my entire being into healing myself or the effort is unfulfilling and unsuccessful. The heart must become committed.

When I learned of the Shamatha Project my heart was committed and the head saw the way to go and everything that I did was designed to get me into the project. I went to every retreat that Alan taught within a reachable distance of my home from Hawaii to Mexico City to Montana to California in different locations and Shambala center in CO. If Alan taught shamatha I was there. I went to retreats in New Mexico at Upaya Zen center with Natalie Goldberg to learn to write. Believing that I would be writing reports about what I was doing I felt that it would be wise for me to write as well as I could so that what was written would be read and used by the people studying the material. I went to other retreats done by other teachers such a Yinguer Rinpoche on the subject of Shamatha looking for a way to better the practice that I had. I attended work shops with fellow associates of Alan to get different perspectives on how this should be approached. Everything is designed to get me conversant and into the Shamatha Project. Whenever there was anything that was official for getting signed in I was always among the first to have the papers filled in and turned in. I met everyone I could associated with the project. Going to DC to attended the Mind and LIfe gathering to meet anyone I could who was associated with the project or anything ancillary to the project. I took courses in dream and sleep yoga since they were relative to the basic stages of shamatha. I exercised rigorously to get in shape for being at the retreat. All of the major efforts that I had in my life were centered around getting into project.

It worked . The gods smiled upon me and allowed me to do this most important project . I was somewhat disappointed that I was not in the study group but rather the control group but that ultimately turned out to be for the better since I was in the group that actually was a little more prepared for than the first group. Now I am in the process of healing my soul and body. The body which has this aggressive disease has to be attended to with the utmost care and preexistence and love. The soul is the vehicle. The soul for me is the vehicle of the heart. It is the way that my heart will express itself in caring for this body, my life ,my work, my prima amiga, and everything that is worth living for.

The goal is to heal, the method is to learn that I already am healed and how to express that.

I went to the Oasis of Healing this morning and received a very warm welcome and support from staff which I got to talk to. My initial contact was with a woman who was a patient. A lady in her thirties with teenaged children who she was trying to manage with a blackberry by sending text messages . With that she was only partially successful, however she had come to the center in Sept with cancer in the bones and in the lymph and had gotten the results of her tests recently to discover that she was almost completely free of the disease. It was most heartening and uplifting.

I then toured the facility with another lovely lady who brought me into the facilities of the nutritionist and the other people in the process and it was something that I definitely am going to have to consider. They have a process called IBT in which they give chemotherapy to a patient after having them fast and then have an transfusion of insulin. At the most propitious moment they give an injection of glucose and chemo which in theory leads to the cancer cells which are starved for sugar ingesting large amounts of chemo while minimizing the dosages of the poison.

Sounds very promising. Doing my research.

Salvation Army

For two glorious hours I served meals to people at the salvation army Christmas dinner. The job that I had was putting rolls and butter on plates of hot food that were given to the people who had come to eat. We in the serving lines were given the opportunity to give food to our fellow human beings in a gesture of compassion.

At the end of the meals, I was the last person to cease serving , we packed up and left. I was so high from the experience that I did not want to leave that emotional state and when the clinging was complete I cried.

Part of this is my own state of mind and I was reminded that the drugs that I am taking cause hot flashes and with them I believe mood swings.

Went to a Christmas party with a group of buddhists, an oxymoron I think, and we had good food that I could eat and plenty of conversation .

Broke up with an agreement to go with one member to a Vajaragini empowerment in Prescott Valley on the 1st of the year.

Equanimity

Continuum a line leading from one end of a range to another.

Depression runs along the line to elation. In today's adventure I worked with the literal using of a physical line to experience the sense of depression to elation. It is easy to feel either. By standing on one end of the continuum and moving to the other I allowed how a change could work through the emotions. From a concave chest slumped appearance a flow of thoughts of despair to chest high, standing proud and a flow of thoughts of elation. Something of a tour de force. Another tool of observation.

There are many other continuums which to explore, all of which hold more insight into the mind that I am dealing with. Living in the future or the past can put me into either end of the continuum. I f the flow of thoughts are uplifting and I am not tired then the results are elation. If the flow of thoughts are downcast and I am tired then the results are obvious. It is interesting to realize that these emotions are merely something that can flow through a life and not be the I.

When I was nine years old my father took me the baker to pick up a birthday cake. As a rambunctious child I was bouncing up and down in the back seat and my father yelled at me to sit down and be quiet. Quite disproportional to the offense . My father was angry and hurt. I later discovered that on his birthday his older brother committed suicide. As a nine year old I could not even guess what the depth of the problem was, but as a defense I learned that by being quiet to the point of depression that I would not be made to feel worse if I did it to myself first.

There is a line that suicide is hanging your skeleton in someone else's closet. It certainly happened in my family.

I do not feel depressed or elated in writing this but rather equanimous . There are revelations aplenty in this journey and this is merely one of them.

I have been accused of reaching for one end of the continuum and fleeing the other and this I do not deny. I have observed that the process of fleeing the depression catapults me into action that is often frenzied and stressful. From overeating, ill planned actions, and incomplete thought to denial of the existence of things, events, or situations that I do not want look at.

It is better at this time to learn of these conditions that I may not let them have the intense rule in my life that they have had.

A friend who is Catholic tells me that confession to the priest absolves him of his sins and when I asked him about where those sins came from he said that they came from a stone tablet written thousands of years ago. Mine are perhaps as ancient.

I believe also that confession is good for the soul, and this is my confession from which absolution comes in the form of peace, understanding, and acceptance.

Celebration Postponed

The expected joyful arrival of a new member of the family has been postponed by the very sobering news that the child has significant difficulties and that mom went through a very long and trying delivery. I spoke to grandmother my cousin/sister this morning and after the initial shock followed by tears we talked at length . My c/s was exhausted and so after getting the initial information we just gradually wound down our conversation until she had let go of enough nervous energy to let her crawl into bed and get some sleep.

The second daughter did yeoman service staying with her older sister for the entire delivery of twenty hours. She deserves all the praise that she can get and I feel that she is a reflection of the strong sense of caring and love that she received from her parents. She has been through very trying times and has measured up remarkably to the challenge.

Mom is exhausted and sleeping at the moment, she to has remarkable courage and will meet the challenge that her new daughter will give her. All of them are in my prayers for healing and strength.

Staying Healthy

My cousin/sister is about to become a grandmother for the first time and we are all anxiously awaiting word. This is the other big news in my life today.

PSA or Prostate Specific Antigen is chemical in the blood that marks the aggressive tendencies of prostate cancer. The higher the number the more the process is progressing. It is not a marker for the elimination of the cancer but rather how docile it has become. When the marker is going up then the disease is more aggressive when low or declining it is a good sign that the cancer is contained. Before the Luprin and the other drugs and therapies vitamin C transfusions, Reiki, herbs, shaman treatments etc. the number had risen to 57 from 33 , four weeks earlier. Below 4 is considered safe for a body the age of mine. The results of Friday's test is that the number is 2.4.

This is very heartening and gives me cause for joy and relief. What I am doing is the right thing for the health of the body and I am doing better without that particular stress of a high PSA.

It is recommended by the prostate medical oncologist in LA that I indulge my body in a treatment of Chemotherapy with the drug Taxatore. The side effects are exhaustion, depression, hair loss, nausea, and even fingernail loss. The rationale behind this is that the cancer that is killed by the chemo will give me a better chance to live longer by killing some of the cells that have the potential to return as an aggressive cancer after the effects of luprin and the other two drugs are no longer viable.

Since the medical oncologists are strictly hard scientists it is appropriate to judge them using that criteria. Using that criteria there is no existing empirical evidence that demonstrates what their hypothesis suggests. It is logical that what should follow is what they are recommending but lack of empirical evidence is what lots of different treatments that are being suggested suffer from. If I followed that chain of thinking then it seems to me to allow for lots of different processes that might be as effective or more so without the deleterious side effects.

It has more heart that a body that is healing would begin to feel better and have better results from the therapies imposed upon it than the opposite result.

An opinion from a different specialist that is much more sanguine. He did not want to see me until February and told me that the general trend was more important than a single blip. Good to remember as the month by month results continue.

The argument of feeling good leading to feeling better has a tremendous appeal. If there was great suffering being endured then some of the more aggressive, injurious , and risky steps might seem much more viable. But that is not the case.

I have been a meditator all of my adult life and not to use that tool in the process of healing is a wasteful use of a life skill that has been practiced for many years. One of the paths that I am considering in this adventure is creative imagery. Using the mind to actively heal the functioning of the body.

Stories of people changing themselves are rampant. One of the biggest stories is something that is not even seen as such. The drug companies spend an inordinate amount of time and money attempting to eliminate the placebo effect. Which is nothing more than the belief by an individual that a inert substance heals them and when they take it , it proceeds to do so.

I know of a study in which it was observed that people who make an appointment to see a doctor feel better than those who have not yet done the scheduling. Merely making an appointment improves health? Rather than negating that , should not one consider embracing that idea?

Science is replete with stories of people who do not know what they are looking at and only after changing their awareness do they begin to accept what is in front of them. There is a story of two researchers at Bell labs in the 60's named Penzias and Wilson who built a ultra sensitive receiver that had a noise that they could not identify. After a year of research they were able to understand that it was cosmic background radiation that gave strong evidence of the big-bang theory of the origination of the universe. Is the placebo effect that same background noise that we are unable to look at with different understanding? The buddhist in Tantra yoga allude to an understanding that allows for creation of new forms outside of the rational and closer to the stage of belief , but not calling it such.

My prima amiga is a Vipassana meditation teacher of very high caliber and she puts forth the thought of healing energy coming through the acceptance of the vicissitudes of the mind, it's hopes and fears including that of dying. She has also repeatedly demonstrated to me that it is critical to accept what the moment offers and to live in the present. All healing takes place in the present moment.

My response is that to learn to use the imagination in the moment can also affect healing. Using the placebo effect or perhaps allowing it to happen might be more accurate. A story from Andrew Weil of a young teacher who had a student who loved to daydream and when punished for this activity would literally raise his body temperature so high that the law mandated that he be sent home illustrates something of the mental powers that are available to anyone. Interesting anecdotal observations.

It seems logical and feels right to me that a body that is healing would begin to feel better and have better results from the therapies imposed upon it, than the opposite . Vipassana seems to me a passive way to deal with a situation such as medical afflictions. It heals the soul(a non-buddhist term). I am told of great lamas of Tibet not healing themselves of life threatening illnesses . For which I have only the greatest respect. They have motives that include a view of this life as merely one in a series of which they are helpers to those of us who need their guidance and strength of character in the face of death ,that is of inestimable value.

Is it possible that others have used meditation to heal the bodies? Is it possible to use the meditation to heal and put off the date of death until a more full span of time ? Is it wise?

These are some of the questions that can be asked that I think are reasonable.

The first condition is safety. Is what I am doing gone to harm me ? That harm which is being done by not attending to the disease in a way that highly qualified specialists are recommending? That certainly needs to be investigated. There is a group called US 2 who are a prostate cancer support group and I will field the question to them. I will ask about those who have chosen and those who have refused chemo.

The second condition is life and living. To sacrifice a healthy today for a longer period of time of ill health tomorrow does not appeal. If years of misery and suffering, arrrrrgggh ,are the prospect what is the use of advancing the suffering?

The third and most important is what is good for my spiritual practice? The word sadhana is in sanskrit and generally refers to the path of learning that one is on. Wikipedia defines it is as " a means whereby bondage becomes liberation." The body binds the soul on the earthly plane. How does liberation come ? Through passive acceptance of the situation or actively changing the circumstances of suffering.

It seems that it must be a balance between to two.

Every moment is a gift that is why it is called the present.

The tiger and the strawberry

Once, a young monk was sent forth from the monastery to carry a message to another monastery far away. As he walked through the dense forest, he caught glimpses of orange fur in the dappled shade and heard low growls. Surmising that he was being stalked by a tiger, he quickened his steps, but the large cat easily kept pace with him. Fear gnawed at the young monk, and he began to run blindly through the trees, leaving the path he knew in an attempt to outdistance the hungry cat whose panting breath he could feel upon his neck.

The monk lost his way, and to his terror, found himself at the edge of a great precipice. Behind him, he heard the tiger stop, and begin pacing back and forth among the trees, its golden eyes glinting among the leaves. Shaking, the monk looked down and saw that there were vines clambering over the jagged rocks and he determined to try and climb down them. Just as he swung himself over the cliff, and began clambering down the vines which creaked under his weight, he heard the tiger roar, and saw it stare balefully down at him from above.

From below cane an answering roar, and the monk startled and looked down to see a second tiger, pacing along the stones that lined the bottom of the cliff face, waiting for him to descend.

Shuddering, the young monk closed his eyes and clung to the vine, his only means of support. The sound of nibbling teeth caught his attention and he opened his eyes to see a mouse chewing at the vine that held him suspended between the hungry cats.

Next to the mouse, he saw a flash of red.

A wild strawberry grew in a crevice of the stone, and a lone fruit shone invitingly.

The monk reached out, and plucking the crimson fruit, held it to his nose. The sweet fragrance rushed into his nostrils as the last bit of the vine gave way and the monk began to fall. As he plummeted toward the tiger, the monk popped the strawberry in his mouth, and the flavor was the sweetest thing he had ever experienced.

This sums up today.

Another Day

Spent last evening doing a meditation that was specifically designed to promote healing. It was from Andrew Weil and Howard Rossman. And was on a CD that I had downloaded and was a gentle meditation that quickly cut the the sense of feeling good and left wonderful sense of well being. It was good during the evening when I awoke and found myself at 2 in the morning unable to sleep I could use the meditation and not review the situation in my mind.

It felt good and am going to be doing more of these meditations . I have ordered his book from the library and look forward to adapting much of what he talks about into my own practice ad this seems the correct path the one with the most heart.

Tomorrow I go in the morning with several people to the Minguyar Rinpoche group to a shamatha meditation talk or conference that I will use to make contact with other who are in the meditation community and learn what there is available locally in the way of support and inquiry into the power of the mind.

Today was a trip into the world laboratory testing. The local lab where my ex-wife was a doctor took sample that a physician in LA proscribed to determine what effect the drugs that I am on have had. Whatever the results are will help determine what the next course of action will be.

Called the LA doctors to find out the state of the insurance and will not know for another 30-45 days.

Another hour on the phone getting my prima amiga a gift from her side of the country so it will make it to her before she leaves for India.

Work out at the gym in the afternoon and will go to a chanting group this evening.

Prima amiga

Two weeks ago I was given me the opportunity to be with my prima amiga.

The week with my prima amiga was pure play with a beautiful being with whom I share a deep intimacy and with whom I am learning to allow for barriers of my own making to dissolve.

The play is both childish and profound. From the mere physical pratfall to the deeply intimate revelations of the soul. Dancing together, merging our bodies as a single being. Trying on different persona both dark and light and seeing it as divine play. Laughing and crying at our predicaments and our infirmities. Enjoying the subtlety of the mind or joking about the gross emanations of the body. The nature of being who we are, tempered with the setting of boundaries for defining self. Finding the balance. Realizing that the balance is only in the moment and that the next moment calls for a new balance.

Seeing the breadth of desire on my part with her to have things stay just as they are and yet wanting to have things change. An impossible situation which makes life and experience so achingly beautiful.

Learning to let go is difficult but that is what death teaches and that makes for a beautiful set of moments. Letting go of pleasure and pain and becoming less attached helps me transcend myself. That transcendent awareness is so fulfilling that a new set of attachments grow. Those new attachments are more subtle with new desires. Letting go again transforms all of this into deeper and more subtle awareness and the cycle begins again.

The desire on my part to keep this from never ending yet fully aware that with proximity that change will take place and that it is all in the illusion of time. The new balance is being sought.

Meeting the Guru

The bhakti path

The bhakti path...

The bhakti path winds in a delicate way.
On this path there is no asking and no not asking.
The ego simply disappears the moment you touch
him.
The joy of looking for him is so immense that you
just dive in,
and coast around like a fish in the water.
If anyone needs a head, the lover leaps up to offer
his.

- Kabir

Neem Karoli Baba is my guru the presence in my life that inspires, plays with, elevates, carries me through hard times and teaches me . For the last four days I have been in the physical presence of those people who are my spiritual family. Those of us who see Maharaji's miracles in our lives. Those of us who depend on that presence for life, sustenance, and health: spiritual, mental and physical shared a few days together and renewed our faith in Maharaji. I had a long talk with Ram Dass about the situation and he first gently destroyed my ego's various desires. The first one being hope.

1. Don't wish for perfect health. In perfect health, there is greed and wanting. So an ancient said, " Make good medicine from the suffering of sickness." 2. Don't hope for life without problems. An easy life results in a judgmental and lazy mind. So an ancient once said, "Accept the anxieties and difficulties of this life". 3. Don't expect your practice to be clear of obstacles. Without hindrances the mind that seeks enlightenment may be burnt out. So an ancient once said, "Attain deliverance in disturbances". Zen Master Kyong Ho [ 1849-1912], in Thousand Peaks

This quote captures the essence of what was transmitted. The grasping mind will conjure up a plethora of things to attach itself to and the grasping is what gives the suffering. I am not speaking as one who has perfected anything but rather as one who is observing what the mind can do with a small amount of information that may not be true combined with a very vivid negative imagination.

The disease cancer that is in bones and lymph comes with a very scary scenario of pain and suffering and without the teaching of the Ram Dass and faith in the presence of maharaji fear of suffering can become into a reality without effort. Add in the very short days and long nights that winter gives combined with cool temperatures, an empty home, and the pot is waiting to be stirred.

My biggest fear is of losing faith, without that faith the chasm of despair and anger is very deep.

At the Shamatha retreat, after a month of practice, the first morning meditation was a gift from the divine. The next was a meditation that was skillful and complete. The next few were ordinary and by the end of the day all meditational qualities that had taken years to develop were gone, my faith was lost in my self, the practice, and my guru. It was a true hell. I was frightened and angry. There was a sense of losing all relationship to any form a sanity and that it was a permanent situation.

I felt great sympathy for the Dante's "Lucifer" in the Divine Comedy since he of all the angels had been God's favorite and now was banished. The reason Lucifer was so angry was that he had known the love of God, without that knowledge the anger is only of the human form and therefore incomplete because God still loves but without God the devastation is total. My guru is my way of understanding the divine which is as close to the divine as I currently understand.

The faith is in the changing nature of thoughts and emotions combined with the identification with the skylight nature of the mind. Maharaji for me enters as the nature of divine love. To be immersed in that love is more breathtakingly fulfilling an experience than can be imagined. The soul, mind and body are loved by the infinite, always have been, are now, and always will be. That love is all that can be depended upon since all else is of a transitory nature. Forgetting that love, becoming unaware of its magnificence, is to allow the soul to die. Identifying with that love that eternal unchanging being is to have grace.

Focusing the mind is helpful, doing this post is exceptionally helpful. The act of writing out what fears are there brings awareness to feeling and allows for the release from grasping. Hence less pain. Being aware brings an initial sense of aversion followed by a deeper sense of acceptance. Behind the acceptance is the letting go into grace.

I am drug averse and have had root canals without Novocain but the fear of something can exacerbate pain without its even being present. Mental pain is present when there is no awareness. When loving kindness is present the pain is allowed its moment of transitory reality to be replace by another transitory reality but behind these transitory states is love and when it becomes unfettered by the grasping mind Maharaji arises bestowing grace.

All of my training with the few simple abilities that I posses with working with the mind are being called upon in these moments and will be further taxed to their limits and beyond. This will strengthen my practice for the preparation for finals.

Decisions

The quality of decisions that one makes reflects the quality of results that are achieved. If the mind is at ease, rested, and balanced then the decisions will reflect that . If that mind has all relevant data discussed at length then the decision will reflect that and the consequences will have been foreseen. I am weighing the option of using an aggressive traditional medical approach to a more sanguine approach of allopathic and homeopathic. While no one has suggested that I consider a straight homeopathic approach many have suggested that I rely completely on allopathic.

It does not reflect my background. My mother was a Christian Scientist and while not strictly faithful to the tenants of the religion she nevertheless was a life long believer. During the early spiritual seeker stage of my life she was immensely supportive seeing what was like in what I was doing compared to her faith and not dwelling on the differences.

My father was a chemist who believed in none of that stuff but was tolerant and loving towards me although he did not understand.

My ex-wife is an M.D., a pathologist, and after the divorce drifted in the Sikh religion where she finds happiness being the assistant to a Reiki Master Teacher and a Reiki master herself. She has been advising me and is going to the doctor with me on the 17th. This will be interesting.
This makes for my unique way to approach that with which I am dealing.

I will be needing to make difficult choices relating to the therapy that is available.
I am gathering information to discover both what is available, what choices that I have and how I am going to approach each of these choices and also what combinationof choices that will make the mix of what I am willing to do and more importantly whatI believe will bring me to healing.

The belief that something will heal is important to me. Drug companies have to eliminate the placebo effect in which people get well by taking nothing more than an innocuous inert substance. So what they prove is that the mind can have a profound effect on the body irrespective of the drug. It comes to the nature of belief. I have to find that place where what I believe -- be it allopathic or homeopathic -- is balanced in such away that the soul, body, and mind are healed.

On a lighter note a wonderful friend has been visiting me for the last week and we have been enjoying each others company as two playmates . She is a spiritual seeker who comes by to play with me and teach me profound lessons in meta-cognitive awareness, mindfulness, and healing.

The Mustard Seed

One of the claims of a Reiki practitioner that I first encountered was that by using Reiki he fixed his copy machine.

Can you feel your incredulity beginning to come into consciousness?

I could.

So after the course in Reiki this weekend I encountered the copy machine that would not respond. A newbie with Reiki I decided to give it a go.

Of course there was a lot riding on this since I am placing a great deal of hope in the expectation that spiritual energy will be the source of healing for my current condition.

I did the request invocations and placed my hands over the machine with the expectation that I wold leave them there until my intuition told me to stop. In the process of doing the Reiki I watched my mind place great significance in the outcome and then watched as emotions such a anxiety and fear come because of my expectations. As I kept standing there with the hands outstretched I gradually came to see that the fixing that was being done was in me . As I relaxed more into the awareness of everything being okay including not having the machine work I soon felt a warm energy in my hands and arms. It became quite warm like being in Arizona in the shade in summer.

At last I opened my eyes with drew my hands and the machine still said it had a problem. I the opened the lid and closed it. I had done that a dozen times already. After closing the lid it was fixed.

It is how the internal part of you perceives is what changes the world.

Shamanism, Abbott and Costello, and Power Animals.

Shamanism has something that I have never availed myself of but yesterday I asked the universe to give me a powerful sign that it was interacting with me and in such a way that I could know that it was doing just that.

This afternoon two shamans showed up at the door and while I thought that they were here for a discussion of some medical news that i had received my expectations were completely changed when they took out feathers, magic sticks with attached power stones, and Tibetan gongs. In the following ceremony i sat in the middle of my mediation room in the chair that I had meditated with in the Shamatha Project and used an old cut glass bowl that is a family heirloom filled with sea salt water that had a copper tube connected to a wire in the water . I held the tube while my friendly neighborhood shaman had spirits leave my body those of my parents and grandparent in the way that gave both of us our freedom and dissolved contracts ,obligations, and notes that were interfering with our higher selves .

All of this was very enlightening and entertaining . But as an extra benefit my two Shamanic guides decided not to agree on the strategy that they were going to use to heal. So the conversation ran as an argument.

"Get that character in the corner into the light."

" I don't see him "

"Well he's there if you look"

"I don't work this way. I let the person taking the journey evoke his own images."

"I am here because he can't find the spirit and I will tell him what I see."

"Calm down. We need to get on with the healing."

All delightfully entertaining and healing in a humorous way. My guru sent me what I needed and certainly did not expect.

The process was over way to soon and concluded with the spirit of Medicine Buddha being instilled into my life and a power animal with a name becoming becoming known to me as a spirit guide.

Scylla and Charybdis

In the Odyssey by Homer the hero Odysseus was caught having to make a choice between the two unpalatable alternatives. One choice he would lose several men to a multi-headed demigod who was able to grab several of the men off of his ship and devour them. Scylla was consistent in that she took from all he sought passage by her but if moving quickly would only take a few of the crew. Charybdis however was a whirlpool that would swallow the whole ship and only disgorge them remnants three times a day. This is the epic story's method of explaining the problem between the ghastly and the fatal.

The choices that I face today are not yet on that magnitude but they are having the elements stirred about in such a way as to begin to offer that choice.

I have somewhat naively been sailing this sea with the waters buffeting me uncomfortably and have not recognized where I am in relation to the horizon and the tides. Everyone has an agenda and that has been the tides that I have not noticed, not all the agendas are as sanguine as one would hope and I need to recognize the horizon that I am looking at.

All of the agendas have a self-interest aspect to them and need to be examined. Which of those agendas coincide most closely with mine are the watchful helmsman's duty to the craft he is sailing.

Another story in the Odyssey relates to when Circe was helping the men of the Odyssey prepare for the journey back to Ithaca one of the men had climbed upon the roof and when the call came for him to leave walked off of that roof to his death. Unawareness with a brutal result.

Caution is a powerful watchword and I shall have to exercise a great deal of it in order to return home safely .

Things to be thankful for on this day and every day.

THe blessing of having a guru to grant a life of the spirit. It is a place to turn in all the circumstances that are trying to receive hope renewal courage equanimity strength love and joy. The book Be Here Now ,which has lead me to the holy works of many paths.

The blessing of a growing faith . From that core comes the blessing of the fellow seekers on the path no matter of what faith or lack thereof. And the blessing of a path . Then comes the many things that I have to be thankful for.

Being part of the Shamatha Project a scientific project that will set a precedent for the study of consciousness that will eventually expand science out of some of its narrow strictures and into a wider and deeper appreciation of how powerful consciousness is. This will hasten the transformation to a more aware society by giving its most dominant tool , science, data from which the awareness of the power of consciousness will grow and transform the society in ways that will be healing and ennobling. I believe that this was the opportunity of a lifetime and it is one in which I have great pride . It gives me the courage to look at the other projects that I wish to pursue and fulfill.

I am thankful for the opportunity to serve. Today is the chance to open my home for those who might otherwise not have a place to be on thanksgiving. Hospice gives me the opportunity to be a guide in the service of those who are about to transition out of the body , as a hospice volunteer it is a singular honor to be with someone when they leave. I give thanks for the beauty that those experience bestow.

I am thankful for the friends who have enriched my life. My fellow dreamers lucid ,tibetan yoga, and integral.

I am thankful for the teachers that have spoken to my soul and help me every day Ram Dass , Alan Wallace, Zachojoe Rinpoche, the Dalai Lama.

I am thankful for my family the closest of whom is my sister/ cousin Mary who I met when I was 3 weeks old and am blessed in talking to regularly . My cousins Tom and Mary who have been faithful friends . My cousins Kaye and Mark who have shared with me a path of beauty and grace. All the beautiful children they have who give me hope. Bruce the brilliant nephew whose creativity is the beginning of understanding the new healing that I am part of. Lisa the ex-wife who in her own way is giving me the ability to step out of whatever the norm is and into the next calling and with whom I shared over 20 happy years.

I am grateful for having wonderful old friends in my life such as Victoria with whom I have spent many a phone evening and has listened patiently and thoughtfully to all of my minds wanderings for many years , Joe the patient listener with whom I share a deep bond of friendship and love. Sylvia the good old girl who will not abandon a friend in need. Allie who will not let me become anything less than the conscious being that I am . Leroy who shows me intense compassion without sympathy. Donovan who set me up on skype so I can be part of other lives and created this blog that I can share my musings. Especially this blog about what I have to be thankful for.

I am grateful for new friends who teach me the new skills that I need to learn to cope with my new situation. Winter who is my guide to understanding the mystery of insurance, Jenine, Ardas Kaur, and Bhagat Kaur whose reiki treatments are the next step on the path of healing. Dave the electrician who blessed me with his presence. Jason the chef who gives me good food to eat .

A life of balance enough warmth on a cool day.

The beautiful home that I live in with its gorgeous sunrises and sunsets,the chance to live in a country that provides me with so many opportunities. The material wealth that I have that allows me to concentrate on healing and well being.

Medicines to make me well .

Thank you ,Thank you ,Thank you.

What joy

Inner Energies

Today three Master Reiki healers did their work upon me . It lasted an hour and was an experience that can be described as something that takes the bodies inner energy and uses that energy to heal. With three healers the experience let me understand that the healing had to take place over a vast range of self. The dis-ease that currently is the concern in my physical form is only one part of an array of healing that needs to be done throughout my physical form , emotional , psychic, and other forms that I am becoming aware of. During the hour of the treatment I had the impression of being in a microwave oven. The inside of my body felt that it was cooking . This experience happened so often that I could not count the number of times that it took place. When they had finished I was given water and a chance to rest.

As a meditator I am relatively aware of mental states and this one was quite profound in its spaciousness. Thoughts emerge and have emotional repercussions , the more aware of this process that one can be through the actual real time moment the more the opportunity to release the process if it has an unhealthy aspect to it and simple let it slip back into nothingness. I will work further with these healers and report on the results.

The light of compassion after the storm

"There are three levels of compassionate action that I can see:

The first is you do compassionate actions as best you can as an exercise to become closer to God, to Spirit, to Awareness, to One.

The second is when you start to appreciate that you're a part of something larger than yourself and you are an instrument of God. No longer are you doing it to get there, you're now doing it as an instrument.

Third is where you lose self-consciousness and you are "God manifest." You're part of the hand of God. Then you're not doing anything. It's just God manifest.

How do you get to that third one? By honoring others and being patient."

--Ram Dass

Taking drugs that have side effects is what the last post was about. The energy that one gets from Reiki is intense and added to the effects of Lupron which is the drug that I am being given to control the hormones that activate the cancer cells leads to intense moments.

The slightest disturbance and my system reacts . What was shared in the previous post is part of the mental process that accompanies the flow of energy that drugs and reiki provide. There is little to prepare me for this because I have avoided drugs for so long and my way of dealing with it is minimal. Meditation which I did last night for 3-4 hours and writing is my method of choice.

Last night I called Silent Unity and prayed. I now have another way to work with all the energy. Show compassion and loving kindness for all . Their suffering is a manifestation of the suffering of all of us.

A Crisis of Faith

The latest exciting adventure is a healing one that is turning into a crises of faith. I have been reunited with my ex-wife Lisa. She is doing a technique called reiki which I only know a little about. My understanding is that it rearranges the universal energy to come back into harmony. Something of the reverse of entropy.

Getting together with Lisa is a short lived relief. I did not want to die not having her speak to me but the circumstances of our interactions with each other has changed. She is now a service provider working for money and I am not sure about the capability of the provider , her desire to heal me , and am not sure how to test this.

My doubts come to me and I sit with them in meditation watching them as forms of energy rising in the mind . The manifestations are that it has a visceral effect on the physical body and the emotional body becomes caught up in the process. When I can meditate fully enough the process becomes the rising and falling away of energy. This is how I achieve peace.

After becoming peaceful I then came up with an idea that would assuage my doubts, allow me to empirically observe results, and see how willing Lisa is to test her abilities.

Several people have told me about the ability of a Reiki master to fix things that are mechanical. THe first person to speak in the Reiki evening I attended told me about fixing a copying machine with Reiki another person that evening mention fixing some other mechanical device. Last night I another reiki master was talking about being a single mom down on her luck with a car that had flunked the local emissions test. She had little money a decided to use reiki on the carburetor after twenty minutes of Reiki she took the car back to the test station an got the second highest clean test they had had that day.

Today the engine light in my car came on. I can see no major problem, the gauges are normal, belts are okay and no unusual odors are emerging from under the hood. What I want to propose to Lisa is that she fix the problem with Reiki. It would go a long way to convincing me that this stuff is effective and would not rely on tests that have so many variables as to be impossible to separate out the cause.

Tomorrow will be the first of many challenges if this process of finding health is going to succeed . I hope Lisa is up to it.

"What is the purpose of this life? A soul takes a human birth in order to have a series of experiences through which it will awaken out of its illusion of separateness. This physical experience acts as a curriculum for awakening and its purpose is to awaken us from the illusion. Spiritual practices are tools to help us do that. " --Ram Dass What strikes me about this experience is the amount of suffering and sorrow that I am encountering. Yesterday , I contacted an old friend of 50 years who told me of not wishing to share this journey with her mother who has cancer. A different generation who manage their lives in a different way. I honor her choice. Another story is another friend who is a cancer survivor and has gotten himself in so much debt that seemingly the only viable solution for his predicament is bankruptcy. It is testimony to the spirit of the man that he continues to uplift those around him with song and joy. I am proud to know him.

For myself I proceed to use this experience as learning. I have been sort of monk-like in the last few years meditating for long hours and doing little socially. That has become an unbalanced approach to this endeavor . Love from friends and family is critical for healing those who I talk to about their sorrows and struggles and for me and mine.

My own struggle falls into perspective no less important than before but larger. We heal ourselves collectively. We work on ourselves individually.

Let me not get to romantic about this and just report on some details. I have spent the time I have organizing this effort as a CEO of Keep Fred Healthy and Alive. Learning about Prostate Cancer from friends and written material . A retired MD friend to consult with is a real blessing. Moderating a debate among the healers I know who have differing opinions about foods, herbs, and vitamins. Exercising a body that needs to be ready for whatever insults will be delivered by the medical profession with the chosen course of action. The exercise is with weight training, aerobics, and hatha yoga. Joining a support group of men who are dealing with the same health issues that I am, it is called US - too. Preserving my emotional health with therapy , the drama is intense and it is like having a trainer to deal with emotions. Setting up an office built around the information technology that I have available, such as this blog, the writing of which is a therapy. Calling on the good will and resources of friends who have skills in other critical fields such as insurance , this one is a real maze and having an ex-claims adjuster to explain in English is a god-send. The doctors themselves efficient , knowledgeable , compassionate. The two of the three that I have chosen and consulted with so far. Haven't consulted with the third although I met him at a conference.

On the weekend another friend gifted in the arts of technology set up this blog for me and helped me install Skype on my computers and get it working. Skype is the internet way to have a video talk with someone. As the Holiday season approaches I want to be with family and friends but traveling if I am immune-compromised is dangerous . With Skype I can see and hear the events I wish I could join but be safe at home not having to maneuver through airplanes, airports, buses, and being in enclosed spaces with potentially ill people.

This weekend I am hosting a party for lucid dreamers. I want to share the experience of the previous post with them and learn how to use the sleeping hours to affect healing, compassion, loving kindness, joy, and equanimity.

Last Nights Dream

Arouse last night with an intense sensation of being. It was like driving a car a very high speed. The focus was particularly intense with no deviation from the moment but not at all calm and relaxed. Sat with it for an hour in meditation and then returned to sleep. Not rested.

Then had a dream in which I was at war with an enemy that could invade anything that I ate or drank and could use that against me. And was doing so. The enemy was even getting into the foods that I wanted to eat and would leave markers letting me know of its invasive qualities.

Woke up into a hypnogogic sleep and realized that I could use a dream state that I had learned of the other day which I called the grey zone. A state that would transform anything from black to white or white to black or sophisticated to rough or rough to sophisticated or whatever opposite that exists into its opposite to any degree that I wished.

Took the invasive energy in my dreams and with a lucid dream watched as the energy was transformed into an ally of healing energy.

Awoke this morning and wrote this down looked on a website for Ram Dass meetup group an got an email from an inquiry I had posted on a health and wellness group on the site. Her first line was

You can ask your helpers to come answer you as you are about to drift off each night.

This is getting to be a real adventure.

Fred

What A Difference A Day Makes

Well, what difference a day makes. I was told that I had spots on the bones . I was sent for xrays. The next day I went to the doctor in the afternoon and after spending two hours waiting for information that was missing to be tracked down I was told that there were no confirming spots on the bones and that there was only one spot on the knee that was atypical for cancer.

The doctor was optimistic and said that what was left could be treated.

I relief that I feel is intense and I am still determined to do everything that I have spoken about in previous emails and feel the same was but now it is with more enthusiasm and still plenty of love,

Fred

How Wonderful to Have Friends

I am taking a moment to be grateful for your friendship and all the beauty that we have shared.

It is more important to me than the news of the spread of the cancer to several spots in the bones and the need to start hormone therapy which will remove any testosterone from my body.
I am giving up many pretenses to deal with the essence of living , 5 years by the doctors estimate and am going to pursue a course of hope and love instead of fear and clinging.

I am not the victim of a disease , it is not an enemy. It is a profound opportunity to learn grow and love.

I will pursue the doctors protocols and keep a strict regime of healthy living . THe process of physically dying can be postponed for me as well as all of us but the process of living richly and fully in all matters cannot. From the most important physical thing in living , the breath, comes the word inspire .

From here and now on if plans do not inspire they will be exchanged for plans that do.

Most importantly...

Love,
Fred

Cancer

The body that I am in has prostate cancer and a rather aggressive form of it.

I am in the process of treating this as a voyage of discovery that started on Columbus day.

It may lead to the end of this bodies existence or to recovery . I am going to extend all efforts to the latter and prepare for the former.

I am determined to treat this entire process as a blessing of Karma to heal what I need to heal for this lifetime. I a grateful for your friendship and thank you for being part of the existence of this life.

Love,
Fred