Some positive results at last

  Just got the word from my doctor about the effects of the Chemo on PSA. Mine was 1035 before the chemo and today the test came in at 106 an almost 90% reduction.

  My immediate reaction was being stunned.

  Last night I thought that I would be grateful and happy because of the news but found myself meditating on the anger and dismay of all that I had sacrificed to get to this point. The meditation was intense , long , and unpleasant but after two hours it was as all things are ,impermanent.

  I am now just tired , 4 hours sleep. 

  I am equanomous at the moment and have a lighter heart than last night. Prima Amiga comes tomorrow and Tuesday I have an appointment to discuss my options from here.

  This is an intense trip and my meditations are up to it.

Chemo and consciousness

 Two weeks ago I had aport put into the right side of my chest . It allows for easier access for the infusion of the drugs and chemotherapy that I am now undergoing. The following TUesday I received the first dose of taxotere a chemotherapy drug. Since my red blood cell count was very low, anemia ,the cancer is  preventing the formation of red blood cell in the marrow of the bones , I received two pints of blood on the following day.
     Getting blood this way gave me flu like symptoms for three days. Achy bones and an inability to walk more than maybe a 100 yards.
     All this sounds incredibly grim and would be if i had not had the fortune to be able to attend a week long meditation retreat with Shinzen Young a vipassana meditation teacher prima amiga knew many years ago and got me to study with.
   Vipassana meditation is learning to observe the mind with both concentration and detachment. All of the pain is observed intently  but without clinging.
    It is said by this teacher that pain plus clinging equals suffering.
   So at the retreat I got to practice with very heavy duty pain both emotionally and physically. Since I was in an environment that had massage therapists and people who followed the methodology I was able to experience the pain in such a way as to learn how to let go of some of the suffering. As well a get outward relief.
    I do not seek pain this but take this as an opportunity to learn to deepen my appreciation and joy of life. It is very hard but my abilities are growing commensurately.
    Fear arises from the  prospects of what this ordeal demands and where it may end but rather than cling to that fear which would merely amplify the pain I am allowing it to arise and pass through. The less I hold to it the less I suffer. The same with anger, loneliness, and a raft of other painful emotions. Even the physical pain can be worked with and I am getting to practice far more than I wish.
    All interesting words ,but to what end? In more of my meditations I am reaching what I have been taught to call Nirvana, but I rather like the line from the bible about  experiencing  the peace that passeth all understanding. By the end of the week I had gone through enough to realize that a deep sense of equanimity is always available . To me and everyone all of the time. It is merely the practice of doing so strengthens my ability.
     I have experienced this enough to want to share with more people and am hosting a meditation this Friday conducted by phone by Shinzen on the basics of his system. I will provide the background material and answer simple questions .
     What I have talked is the important part of my experience the drugs ,the doctors visits, all of the outward activities I deal with but they are here to help me learn and grow.
      Today I feel good and my niece (my close cousins daughter) is arriving and will be here for  five weeks while I go through two rounds of chemo.
    In November prima amiga will be here for two weeks and we will all be deciding what the next step in this path I need to take.
    The side effects of the chemo are beginning to be observed I am losing hair so I will take a picture of what it currently looks like and will have it all cut off probably late this week. Losing hair can cause suffering, I have heard of a woman who refused all treatment  for her cancer because of her fear of hair loss.
    I have developed much compassion for people in the last few months the common ground of suffering supersedes  the mind made differences between us.

     I apologize for being so tardy at these blogs.

   

WHat's happening

 I could not bring myself to write for the last few months. I have felt good and I have been spending my time with my prima amiga with whom I have shared the most wonderful summer. It is reassuring to me given what I face to realize that the power of love is more important than life. Without love life is meaningless and that is demonstrated over and over to me.
       I got back today from LA where I consulted a doctor who specializes in Prostate Cancer and the news while not without hope is pretty grim. I had been doing an experimental drug trial it is not working, the cancer seems to have spread and the pain has become severe at times. Prayer has transformed my evenings praying that others do not suffer as I  suffer actually helps. It is relieving to believe that my prayer will keeps others from the pain that my body sometimes has and that those who I love will not be repelled or hurt by suffering that I may needlessly inflict while in a form of debilitation.
      I am also getting some acupuncture that has lessened that suffering  that the body endures. At time the pain is but a whisper at times it has all the quietness of a jet airliner at takeoff. Two weeks ago it was breaking the sound barrier now it is more of a quiet rustle.
      The numbers are very poor PSA is over 1000 the cancer leaves me exhausted along with anemia.
        The possible choices have to be agreed upon between several doctors who have told me that I can be cautiously optimistic to another who says that I should start chemo yesterday.
       The best thing that I can think of is to throw a equinox party so that is now part of my plans.
         I will talk  to doctors the rest of the week maybe something will come of it. I promise to write more.

Not much to say

Lots of things are happening I proceed with the Ipilimamub study not knowing if I am getting the drug or not and things get progressively more complex.
      I physically feel fine but am tired and do not seem to recover as quickly from the day after the administration of the drug. Just being tired. The weather is wonderful here which in Phoenix is saying something for mid May.
  DIscovered my ex sister in law reads this blog. Hi. Don't have a clue as to what she really thinks but she  is a kind person so it probably is not all bad.
     Prima Amiga is in Yucca Valley Ca right now with my car. She is in a training that will teach her of about the suttas of the Buddha and how they apply to the lives that we all lead. That will be interesting  as we get closer together.
     My ambition to teach meditators some of the intricacies of trading the market continues as I have found a way to work with the most important part of the process. Listening to self. The technical analysis skills I have cobbled from other sources and they are accurate and the actual dynamics pushing buttons seems easy enough but getting a sense of what is happening is useful.
       Going to a Vipassana group tonight they are very good people and it is a privilege to join them  we are reading Tara Brachs'  book" Radical Acceptance" . In that Tara is of prima amigas teachers I have been exposed to this a lot through osmosis.
      Still getting the house painted slowly it is being done beautifully by B  when he has spare time. No problem I trade with him so the cost is fairly low and the house is looking great.
       This report is rather disjointed but it is what I can do.
        I intend to be in Virginia for most of June to return for a treatment and then back to Va for July seeing if I can say until early August. Plans , we shall see.


    

Rage

    My nephew B is in town and for me that is an honor ad a pleasure.  He reads Einstein for light reading. Is still writing his book on the nature of how the mind works and has insights that he shares with me in the most kind and loving way.
      Thursday my ex invited us out to lunch and over to visit her home. I never had been there and was not particularly curious but it was the polite thing to do.
   WHile there B noticed me becoming more and more angry and noticed how the ex by just being who she is inflicted a level of cruelty upon me that she was not even aware of. THe evening after the visit was over  I awoke at two in the morning and found myself really angry with her . A meditation on the anger did not seem to do too much and in a later conversation with B he pointed out the cruelty and how she had a model of behavior that I was not living up to and then would make judgements about with the resultant diminution of me as a person. I keep wanting her to see how painful this is and when she does not I become enraged which because of my own models of behavior I turn against myself.
     Talking to B after the meditation was over we explored the relationship of mental models  and  how they deal with the physical universe.
     I spoke to prima amiga about what had transpired with the ex and she suggested that I write out a letter and put all of the feelings into it. I did so to see before me have venomous and hate-filled  my rage has been.
      To acknowledge to myself and speak the truth to people of how hurtful what they say and what they do are to me is what I understand the prima amiga to mean  as establishing boundaries.
       This rage and pain is difficult to accept in myself but the only way to be free is to go through.

Ramdom Thoughts

        A beautiful cool spring day here in Phoenix.  The birds are singing the breeze going through the house keeps the temperature very comfortable and I am glad to be alive and especially feeling so good
         The drug ipilimumab is what is being tested upon me at this time perhaps since it is a drug trial it is impossible to say if the drug is affecting me or if other processes are in play.
          For instance I seem to get very hot lot a hot flash and last night I spent several hours sitting up listening to music because I could not sleep.
          My skin feels a little itchy sometimes but is it unusually so is hard to guess. Itching is one of the side effects of the drug but to what degree?  If there is no  sign then am I getting the drug? Not everyone has signs so don't know.
           I am also continuing to do things that are unusual for me in that I have let go to some holding on that I have  had all of my life. I am getting back into the market and in order to do so and trade as a day trader I need to be able to move in and out of a trade in a matter of minutes . My account is not big enough by the rules to do that and I do not want to  go into the principle to provide for the cash so I am parting with old jewelry that my parents had that means little to me and selling it. It helped raise some money for the project. I have some more stuff to sell but it means letting go of things that I was taught was very important .  THe importance is that I realize that nothing is permanent and just let go.
           I have been doing my nurture positive meditations and then using that for understanding the decision  making . That consists of nurturing  my mind with positives  gladdening the mind. When I have practiced that for an hour or two then I can apply the process of making a decision by focusing the mind on a question using the sense of inner hearing seeing and feeling until I have a degree of affinity about an action. By then turning the thought to the opposite using the same focusing process I have sense of the degree of affinity about the opposite of the first inquiry, One sense is more in harmony with how I feel the other  isn't. Decisions become very easy and relatively quick. The process seems quite rational to me  and it allows for changes to take place quickly since thinking about the process is limited to what the mind can do not what it cannot. Very helpful with the market.
         Also very helpful with the health issues. Doctors give me advise that comes across on both side of a decision. Well meaning and knowledgable is helpful but certainly not decisive and that is what is necessary when making these types of decisions.
           It is a great blessing to me that I can use the meditational background that I have to make those decisions . Thanks
           Other things have started I have a new toy an iphone, it is remarkable and something I have quickly learned I cannot live without. THe prima amiga is going to be getting one in fall when her phone contract runs out and she said she would be use mine and I could get the new one. That is way cool. We also will become part of a family plan which cost us less for both of us.
              Prima Amiga and I are planning how to live together it is going at a comfortable pace for the both of us and  there is a lot of joy in sharing.

heavy changes

This morning I arose at 4 to do a meditation that I have come to call nurture positive. It brings me to a deep sense of love and awareness. The joy for me is that it is recreate-able and expansive . Love flows from a boundless well. At the end of the meditation contraction from the state occurs but the boundaries are not as solid as they were before.
   From this state the day proceeded apace I am getting back into the stock market and have been very cautious not trusting my self but with the joy of doing what I I felt comfortable with made some money with the market going up then recognized the turn and made money with the market going down. I  feel like someone who was thrown off his bike and badly hurt getting up and getting back on the machine it was exhilarating.
  In this very delighted state I decided to have some lunch and casually swallowed some pills that were inhaled and I began to choke. Not being able to breathe focuses the mind rather quickly . Starting to turn blue I heard a voice in my head saying not to panic I remembered the heimlich maneuver and contracted my stomach forcing the pills free. With much coughing and chest pain as some of  the pills had dissolved and had been inhaled I spent the next hour spiting up the remains of the pills as well as vomiting. Very intense.
    From there to the dentist and the cleaning of teeth, back home I could only sit.
   I decided to watch the Disney movie UP which involved the loss of a man's life-long companion. From the highs of the morning through the intensity of the days experiences I then became deeply sad at loss for fiction is only a reflection of the illusion of our lives after the sadness had washed through me happiness and satisfaction once again returned. Another expansion and contraction of consciousness.
     I am amazed and grateful at how much and how well   I can respond and how quickly strong emotions are flowing through me.

So much to say

              It has been difficult to write this blog recently not because there is nothing to report but because there is so much  to report.
                Since the last full report I have started taking an experimental drug called Ipilimumab which inhibits the immune suppressors in the system . The drug lets the immune system run wild with the expectation that it will deal with the cancer that it has not been recognizing.
                 The result is that some men have had spectacular results from the drug. Since this is a study there is a 2 out three chance that I am getting the drug and an even smaller possibility that it will be effective if I am. However if effective the results are dramatic.
              My ex is going to the doctors meetings with me and has been very helpful I appreciate her presence. Two professionals talking about a subject let an amateur more easily understand what is happening.
                I have concluded my relationship with the naturopath sending him a card thanking him for his contribution and telling him of the team of doctors ,shamans, medical intuitives and other therapists that I am working with.
                 My meditations proceed apace. Becoming the mainstay of everything in my life. The truth that happiness is within is demonstrated to me on a  daily basis. I often feel surrounded by love and compassion and am deeply grateful for all. The truth is that without the diagnosis all of this beauty and joy would be hidden from me and the diagnosis has been the key to what I am finding.
                I continue to have the house painted and cleaned. It is becoming the place that I long ago loved being at the yard is returning to its park like beauty.Things are working that have not done so in a long time and a tranquility has descended upon the residency.
                I wish health, happiness, ease of heart and safety.

I AM LOVING AWARENESS

This morning I arose at 4 to participate in a telephone meditation teaching on the subject of nurture positive meditations.
      The teaching started at five and four four hours I indulged my soul in the nourishment of bliss.

Trial drugs

              The ex and  went to  a experimental oncologists office to discuss the drug trials being offered by him in relating to the cancer.  THe drug is called Ipilimumab and you can read of it from wikipedia  http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Ipilimumab.
          From the best I can tell there is no rational way to decide if the drug is going to work or even if it dies wether I will get into the group that gets the drug. Since there is no rational way to decide then the best thing to do is use a medical intuitive. Some who visualizes the body of the patient who is being treated  and when asked if a process or drug will work sees that paart of the body light up. I have such a person available and intend use his services to decided on the course of treatment.
          Using intuition feels correct to me . I have depended on it so far and I feel excellent.
         I have a shaman on tap that will guide me in to healing the body i can go into a deep meditation on healing at the drop of a hat and that feels excellent also. These choices are difficult and emotionally wrenching but my meditation practice supports me moment by moment so I am not depressed but rather spend a great deal of time in gratitude for the gifts of life that I am enjoying moment to moment. THe love of Prima Amiga who now told me to refer to her as the significant other when filling out forms in which I use her name .
           That love is amazing ,uplifting , fulfilling, life enhancing , and something which enriches me every moment .
          THe divine love an guidance of my guru  who gives me the deep spiritual gifts that I need to continue to open to the pain, uncertainty, and suffering that is either experienced once consciously or many times unconsciously.
          My blessings are so numerous and I am grateful for them all.

In the flow

            Time to write again. It is quite amazing to me that I can function be happy and be at peace. Today I went to see the naturopath and he had the latest and best thing that would help. Well I looked at it and can't say I was too impressed about some of the stuff and when I did some research I found it not to be a cure but ancillary. I will talk to the  person that he recommended and see. Thursday will see the primary physician and run this stuff through him.
       I rode my bike over there and back over twenty miles round trip. Did not break a sweat but the high temperature is 74.
         Yesterday went skiing in Flagstaff. Enjoyed several good runs then fell and decided that I needed to be in better shape for this. It was fun and on the slopes I got to talk to an enthusiastic skier about Shinzen Young's teachings he thought them profound I do to.
        Thursday is the big day three doctors appointments.
        Prima AMiga gave her talk to the Vipassana group tonight sounds like it was a success , we talked about the subject ,"what's love got to do with it."
        One of the tibetan pills gives me the feeling of acid I am going to call about that tomorrow.
         These missives seem to not have the depth of longing that I used to have to contend with. I am grateful that what has replaced that is calmness and happiness..

reviewing the last few days

         It is time for a bit of reflection and repose. Since my last posting I have gone to Los Angeles to interview a cancer oncologist . Returned somewhat shell shocked had two very intense nights of meditation ,made appointments to see two more oncologists, spoken to my internist about what is available in the way of treatments, talked about the meetings with a shaman, got a transfusion of Zometa, worked out every day at least an hour, dispose of all of my picture albums ,and slide carrousels , and have managed to meditate at least two hours every day.
        The meditation is what keeps things together. I have become so attuned to the states of mind and body and how to not go into suffering that it is becoming something of  a second nature.
        In LA I found myself falling into fear n the doctors office. What I was able to do in real time was to break the parts of the experience into their constituent parts explore the consciously and then rearrange the parts to my benefit and stableness of mind. I necessity in the situation.
       This is not easy but I am getting lots of practice so that i am getting good at it.
        Went to a book discussion group last night the subject is Buddha's Brain by Rick Hanson I could keep focused on what everyone had to say and could pretty much recall what each of the ten people had to talk about.
       I disposed of all the metal that I had in the yard  and am sending the ivory statues to all of my cousins grandchildren. Also am painting the house in preparation for sale.
       Now I will be returning to meditation and thence to bed. I am tired.

Steps to preparation

        For those of us who live alone and do not talk to a many people there is a tendency to think of oneself in many circumstances where  thinking of my partner is much how to have a relationship.
      The Prima Amiga has some justifiable grievances with my behavior in that I can be self centered and not curious enough to pursue what her feeling motivations and perceptions are on relationship matters. She has been patient in explaining them to me and I have not caught on in many instances. Anyway last night we had a clearing of the air. It is interesting to be open and vulnerable with someone with whom you are arguing. To argue from that place is healthy and a little scary since there is no telling what the outcome will be.
        What was evident to me is that the argument can proceed and still have a fixed notion that it for the strengthening of the relationship rather than tying to achieve some form of superiority.
         She has vulnerabilities that come from her past and I am learning how they affect her present . I am also learning how to be a bit more sensitive of who she is and how to respond rather than react to those periods when she has opened her heart and needs loving attention.
         Long difficult conversation but necessary for the two of us to continue to build trust and openness between us .
          Slept in late had my old yoga teacher T stop by and pick up all of the clay pots that I had acquired over the years.. Her son has anger issues and I got to see them when he worked for me. He is smoking pot and does not have the ability to keep his demons at bay when that is happening.
          Went to meditation this afternoon and  then took some pictures for sunset.

          Tomorrow is Zometa transfusions and a visit with a Shaman.

The news is mixed

       The news is mixed. Got the results of the PSA yesterday and it is up to 9.1 which is going in the wrong direction, however, it makes me eligible for provenge which I have decided that I will do . Provenge is the vaccine that helps immunize against the cancer.
          I have dragged out an old juicer and will start that next along with seeing a Shaman on monday and the doctor in LA Tuesday.
 

The advise of a medical intuitive

I just got off the phone with J C ,a medical intuitive, and got his review of what I am doing. He said that 80% of it is very effective and he was not overly encouraging or discouraging about the rest.
His recommendations of things to change were to do deeper breathing and do tapping on the hypothalamus. Also start juicing so the digestive system could get more concentrated forms of energy that would not be as difficult to digest.
He recommended acupuncture for the liver and spleen.
He gave me the number of P W to talk to about Light Works photo-Therapy and I said I would talk to her but needed my internist B W to sign off on this before I would start any different therapies.
We reviewed the herbs and vitamins and some of Tibetan herbs. His caution was that it may be too many things that are being worked with.
Also reviewed exercise regimes and he gave me the same general advise that the Tibetan doctor did with not too much heavy exercise but enough to maintain muscle mass and cardiovascular strength.
He also recommended against massage. Although I did not get specific with him as to what types.

The countdown begins

         Spent 90 minutes making friends down at the lab  where they are gong to test for PSA and several other things to see what they need to to give me the Zometa next Friday and the next results for the  doctor in LA to determine if I am eligible for provenge , the autologous process of removing and re-injecting white blood cells with prostate specific antigens so it can help the immune system deal with the cancer.
        Listened to Bruce Lipton the author of 'The Biology of Belief '  in  a series of lectures dealing with how a cell is controlled in it's environment. The series makes for fascinating listening and discussion. His hypothesis is that environment controls the  function of a cell and when an environment is under stress it shuts down the immune system for flight or fight. When the immune system is not being used the system it lets the organism go into safety mechanism however when the system is not under stress then the opposite of protection happens to a cell and that opposite is growth. Growth allows a system to heal itself and become well again. Much as a river that has been polluted badly will clean itself if the toxins are stopped from being dumped into the water.
        According to Lipton the greatest environmental impact on the growth of  a cell is the presence of love.
        "  All we need is love',
                       John Lennon

Valentine Day

        I was given a gift of a Valentines day meal arrange by Prima Amiga through J who is the chef that provides my meals for me. It was Heirloom tomato soup, arugla salad, gnocchi , and chocolate strawberries for desert. What a wonderful mind blowing gift delicious, creative, loving and deeply appreciated.
        Last night we had a ver long conversation of the meta variety. Looking at what we were saying and it roots in our beings while the same time going through the emotions of the moment. These conversations can be difficult but the results that occur after the conversations have been a recommitment to the relationship that is stronger and clearer  and much more fulfilling.
          Yesterday was busy in that I spent  a great deal of time studying by telephone with Shinzen Young. The subject was feel focus. This is used technically to describe the location of awareness and how it changes and how to observe those changes.Just part of my learning curve . Spent three 45 minute meditations doing that. THen went to the Vipassana meditation group at the bookstore. Afterwards the subject of mindful eating came up and I decided to throw a party and have everyone do mindfulness eating at the party. Have to learn it since I seem to be the one that is going to lead it.
        Cleared the yard of more trash getting it ready for sale , told my next door neighbor that I was not gong to get involved in his scheme to stop the neighbor from leaving an illegal fence , he had said that he were gong to advise me he would advise against and I decided that htat was the correct advise.
         Have been listening to Bruce Lipton the author of the Biology of Belief on youtube. He described  his work with stem cells and how he noticed that they would be able to turn into any type of cell by merely controlling the environment that it is subjected to . From this he leads a rather logical group of steps in which he concludes that the environment of the subconscious if changed is the way that healing is the most possible. I get it.

Putting observations together

       The Tibetan doctor who I saw Wednesday gave me a new group of herbs in pill form. My internist wants the makeup of these products so that we can  coordinate the building of the immune system.
          In the evening attended a meditation and dharma talk. The talk was one more of question and answer and I focused on an answer to one question in which  Chuladasa , the teacher, said that in order to meditate more deeply it is helpful to observe those experiences that allow the mind to best more at ease,happy, and in repose and to associate that with other experiences in the mind to let go into those states rather than do as much randomly.
             The next morning I tried that. Rick Hansen has written a book :"Buddha's Brain", that I am reading and in it he describes that effects of some of the hormones that the body produces. One of them is oxytocin which is associated with the sate of happiness and well-being in the body.
            So associating the state of well being with oxytocin and the state of flight or flight with adrenalin I began several hours of meditation observing how when the mind became calm and restful and happy that I defined that as the state of being under the influence of oxytocin and as I observed in the meditation that other hormones would emerge.
             I had a big hint of the adrenalin effect when I was talking to Prima Amiga on the phone and she became scared because their was a strange shape at her door and the electricity had failed and night had fallen.
            WHen I heard the beginning of panic in her voice I felt a flood of adrenaline wanting to do something immediately, interesting since we were 3000 miles apart but that has nothing to do with physiology . My body was set to jump into action.  It was primeval and intense. It turned out in was a friend of hers who came earlier than expected but the sound of PA's voice on initial hearing set me up for a flight or fight response.
          Having a strong insight into those two hormones activated in the body, I meditated and realized that that adrenalin is also present when I am excited and that I have consistently conflated excitement and happiness. The two hormones act together in the system. By meditating I can tease out the effect of each individually. My relaxing the body and letting go of the adrenalin the mind became very calm and serene. By allowing the oxytocin to continue to flood in great satisfaction and well being emerged.
         This seems to be a state of shamatha meditation in which the mind is intensely alert and the body is deeply relaxed and that the two are balanced.
          After several hours of meditation I started my return to Phoenix stoping by the Catalina mountain state park for a walk in a beautiful desert park that I had never been to. As I was hiking into the park someone had a beautiful little Welsh Corgi which looked  a great deal like my little Corgi named Foo, whom I still miss.
          One of the most unusual things that saw was a prickly pear cactus growing out of a notch in a mesquite tree.
           On the way home listened to SHinzen on Cd's and he diverted into the subject of the
Korteweg-de Vries equation. Called B , my nephew and we got into a long conversation about the equation and how it relates to some of the meditations that I am doing. Also got into the subject of using models to create more encompassing understandings.
            My hypothesis is that meditation of the oxytocin enhancement will strengthen the immune system since it pours hormones that are nurturing and relaxing into the system combating some of the effects of  stress and adrenalin
            Prima Amiga seems to believe that I am over thinking this but is encouraging none the less.
             Today I am getting the house rugs put back as I had the carpets cleaned right before I left and let them dry while I was gone. Then there is a four hour phone conference that SHinzen is giving. I like the idea but my ell phone is going to be a pain to hold for tat long. I comes over tonight for pizza and  then more tomorrow.
             The comic relief for the day came from my niece S who in trying to get her new car registered in Ohio discovered that the Dept. of Motor Vehicles needed to have written proof that she was a female. Always wondered about her.

              

                 

Just reporting

          Just reporting what is going on is hard to keep up with. Tuesday I went back to see my friend K in his bed. I had talked to R  my niece about speech recognition programs for a Wintel machine and she found that there were some programs on the machine that were built into the software. I was on the phone as I opened the program for R to lead me through. K saw what it involved and we tried some of it out. It worked well for me but K's voice was so weak that the computer would not respond.
           I went over to Best Buy and purchased a headphone speaker system so that his voice would me projected directly into the speaker and not have to compete with ambient noise. When I left him he was doing his version of yelling into the computer which is good for him in that it gives him a certain amount of exercise breathing.
          Wednesday I got an email from him asking that I come by to help with more software problems. He had mastered the program to a level that I found amazing. It is slow compared to keystrokes but he can't do any keystrokes so this is blazing fast for him.
         THe problem was more complex that he told me of and way beyond what I would know about however R was just a phone call away and within a few minutes she had figured out an answer that he applied and was off and running with his new skill.
         My hope is he he will find some chat room where much more knowledgeable people can help him.
           Kudos to R for being right there to help and I am thankful that I got to play a small role in this deed.
           Tuesday I also went to a Rumanian healer who lives here in town. Interesting I could feel the whole left side of my body and there was a warmth that was not unlike the hour worth of bowls that I had experienced Sunday.
          Also Tuesday evening the Prima Amiga and I discussed the options that I have medically and what decisions and actions that I am going to have to make.
          What would take me long hours with mixed results took half an hour and I feel strong and secure about what is transpiring.
           Cleaned house Wednesday morning getting the dust out of the bedroom.  Seemed to work I did not sneeze all evening. In the evening Prima AMiga and I just played.
        

Busy weekend

           Saturday night was the get together of the four pilgrims to John of God. We had pizza ,salad and pies and then a short meditation after which we spoke of the experience itself and what has happened since then.  I spoke of my desire to suspend disbelief and how I have noticed that I am more discriminating about what I do when I do have the understanding and faith I will proceed.
       R told the story of Carl Jung who when I asked if he believed in god said no, when further questioned he again said no but explained that he did not believe in god he knew it to be true. I am recovering my faith.
         All of us had stories that had the theme of opening our selves to having compassion for those around us to a much greater degree than before but all of us had the same ailments that we had had when we had gone.

            Yesterday I went to a festival of singing bowls. Various bowls made of metal that resonate with the chakras when they are played. S had  the event at her home. About twenty of us were laying in various configurations around her living room and dining room. The two leaders of the event were at the front of the room behind an array shiny bowls that they struck with wood mallets that had leather attache to the them. The sound was rich and full and was very pleasing with many  overtones to give great texture to what we were hearing.
           As we lay reclining in various positions S or one of the leaders would come over and strike one of the bowls in an area above our various chakra points. The sound penetrated our bodies and the resonance made for a deep feeling of well-being. After an hour and a half of this we arose  and just felt into the experience that we had just had.
          Very rich , one person described the feeling as being in heaven.
          I felt more positive about healing at that moment than I had in a long time and wished to enjoy the state even more.
           Came home to sit quietly and meditate in a very quite and peaceful manner .
           Arose this morning still vibrating from the evening before, did my calm meditation and became focused and centered again.
             Climbed a local mountain and then went to the internist who I showed some information that I had gotten from J whose wife to be is a naturopath. I am delighted to hear of his impending wedding and I hope that prima amiga and I can attend.
              The material is very useful and B the internist is going to check it out with a chemist he knows who specializes in this stuff to prepare a way to strengthen my immune system so that the provenge will be working with an immune system that is working at the highest efficiency for my best advantage.
            Tomorrow I see a healer at B's suggestion.
              It is an adventure!

          

Hot date on a Friday nite

         Yesterday was a highly productive day in many ways.  Chronologically the city picked up all the bulk trash out of my yard. F came buy cleaned windows for tonights party ,pick upped the trash in the back yard and prepared the soil, We moved all of J 's stuff out into the garage where a friend of his will be able to take it. Just love getting things out of my life cleaned and organized.
           While he was doing that I was on the phone with Shinzen Young. Shinzen was having me do the basic exercises involved with working the noting meditation system that he has pioneered . We would confer on the phone , I would do the technique for maybe 30 minutes or so and then  confer with him again. This went on most of the morning.
           I then made lunch for F and myself and had F take all the old books that I had had to the bookstore where he sold them and kept the proceeds as the payment for what I owed him.
             I borrowed a truck and picked up gravel for the back yard landscape and then climbed Squaw Peak in the afternoon. It is two hours to leave my front door drive to the park climb to the top of a 1500 ft mt. climb down and drive home to walk back into my from door.
           Called the Prima Amiga, sang her Brahms Lullaby to  her so she could go back to sleep, she still has jet lag, and then sat down to meditate with Shinzen doing the phone interviews.
           He had me do various parts of see ,hear and feel out. It feels a bit awkward like trying to do something with your non-dominant hand but with Shinzen to talk to, a lot of the difficulty became trivial.
           The final part was dealing with flow. The experience of letting each sense move through whatever aspect of its reality that is being perceived. So when I did see flow with my eyes open the door I was looking at would pulse expanding visually and then contracting. Fascinating to watch, very hypnotic. Then hear flow, I am in a room with a small space heater and the sound of the  fan has a rhythmic quality that is constant most relaxing to listen to and as I listen more intently I can become completely adsorbed in the experience . Finally the feel flow . Feeling the body be tired from all the exercise and good meal to feeling it come awake and become intense in it awareness to feeling the sense of well excitement from the information of the eyes and the sense of well being and calm from listening to the space heater.
            A deep peace followed at the conclusion of this evening.   For me a very hot Friday night.

She is back

           The Prima Amiga has returned from her travels exhausted and sore but she is back to where I can communicate with her , My joy is boundless.
         The yard continues to be cleaned with the railroad ties distributed unobtrusively along the bottom of the fence. Needed to make room at the top of the drive way for several cars as people who are not able to make the climb will be coming for a party on Saturday.
        Picture is of three Harris hawks on the trees in front.

Meditation ,small triumphs, and kindness

                There is something about going into a non-dual reality where things become a flow of energy rather than named emotions. I just did a meditation for an hour in which I watched the sensations of the body change as thoughts arouse in the mind how the would come from nowhere have an existence in the mind as the body would react by tightening and loosening muscles and organs and then they would return from whence they came.  The thoughts that seem so real why they are in the mind the emotions that seem so real while they are felt in the body just pass through and return from whence they came. Only to be replaced by anew set of emotions and thoughts that go through the same process of rising and falling. The amount of energy each of them has the believability of the thoughts or the tension that is in the muscles becomes the interesting phenomena.  It all becomes impermanent. Just like the Buddha postulated.
          Small triumphs were the order of the day.  My utility room sink has been clogged causing water to spill on the floor when the washing machine  drains. B and I got a hose stuffed it into the clean out ,stopped up all of the drain openings , and turned the hose on full blast  . It blew the obstruction out of the pipes and into the septic tank. Felt  good to get something to work without costing a lot or making an environmental mess.
            I missed the deadline for getting the trash out to the street, called the councilman's office  and got a very kind reply from someone in the trash collection agency who heard of my gong to doctors. I really got a feeling for the fact that those folks in the bureaucracy  are humans and have the same feelings that the rest of do and that there is kindness everywhere. It was something of a humbling moment. Bless Kevin.

Deeper into the mystery

Have spent many hours in meditation in the last few days. I have been listening to dharma talks on you tube and recordings and have gone into the meditation in a much more intense way.
         The stuff that hits me is intense and sometimes overwhelming M when she was here saw one of the meltdowns. A quick recovery but lots of pain and suffering during the process. THat process is not going to let up either. so what should I do. THe strategy I had needs to updated and enhanced . Before what I would do when I noticed an afflictive emotion was to passively observe it , that works to a point but I need to be more effective since these afflictions are coming at an increased rate and shown no sign of diminishing. Therefore the new strategy is to watch as things become intense and rather than observing I feel where in my body there is tension and then exaggerate that muscle tension as much as possible , something like the old Canadian Air Force stationary exercises I learned a long time ago.
            It can lead to some intense emotions in a big hurry but once they are felt intensely they go away when I relax the muscles. This is the new strategy I will use it until I need something stronger.
          Have move much of my stuff from the back yard the railroad tie garden that I had had back there for 20 years is gone. Removed J's stuff from storage so a friend of his can store it at his place.
           Saw the internist BW today and got tested for allergies. I seem to have a  mess of them. I am going to work with them so my immune system is free to work on the difficult process of dealing with cancer and not get distracted.
           Have not heard from SHinzen Young but there is an old story that one has to ask a Zen master three times before they acquiesce to help. Letters phone messages count for two so tomorrow I call again.
       Am going to here Michael Schapiro the local Jewish Mystic. He sings  gives a talk and I dance, sing and listen. A good thing to do on a night when it is cold and I would like to be with people.

A good day for which I am grateful

On this day in 1945 the Red Army liberated Auschwitz.

Visited with K in the morning he is horny,quadriplegic , and angry. I listened , he is a kind person in an difficult place,
         I did notice that his computer is next to him but he can not use it so I am working with R to see if we can get the thing to work with nothing but voice commands , if the software is available.

I spent the afternoon doing Hospice volunteering down at Ryan house , the facility near St Joseph's hospital. It is a  pediatric hospice facility , however  one floor is for adults.

A lady from Ohio who had a brain aneurysm while visiting her sister in Yuma. No facilities in Yuma to care for her and she has been transported to here. Family is the sister who comes when she can and child in Alaska.

Sat and read Be Love Now , fell asleep for awhile, and went back to the book. Read the section with Ramana Maharshi, what a great man and how deeply moving is his story.

Went to a discussion of Buddha's brain last night very interesting group of people we passed the bowl and spoke. I remember to people in particular. A lady who was enjoying just being with her husband on a pleasant afternoon and had a feeling of dismay which she went to her cushion and observed for several minutes until it passed. It just reminded me of the small blessings that can be overlooked in a life of focus and drive. Also a young man at ASU who had learned an interesting lesson about the difference between have to and get to. The mere substitution of one form of phrase for another turns a curse into a blessing. 

K whose home we were all attending gave me a lovely present of a stone with the word healing etched into it.

Spent the rest of the evening listening to SHinzen's dharma talk about fear. What I understood of it was to observe the aspect of it that is in the mind and the aspect of it that is in the body. If both  are observed in real time the level of fear that is there is additive if they are taken without awareness the impact is mathematical progression that quite steep. THere is just so much awareness that can be brought to the moment and it ca either be locked around the fear and the effects of the fear or it can be used to observe the flow of the fear letting some of the locking go .

Did that this morning in meditation. I awoke afraid as I often do and watched as the body had a specific feeling to it . My mind was not thinking about anything much but so I turned my attention completely to the body . In no time I felt the fear transform into a feeling of well being and with some nurture positive moments I felt wonderful. Happy to have the love of God guru and girlfriend and reveal in it.

Plan for a day

        Today I Did a feel in meditation (focusing on the inner life of emotions) and for a good half hour I just felt depressed.
         Then impermanence came forth to my great surprise , yeah I still have to practice it to remember how to do it.
I saw my therapist yesterday and that helped a bit. She said that I had a balanced sense of both the suffering and the spiritual effect that it was having on me.
Reassuring words.
I am making up a list of questions for the internist today , I invited the ex to participate so who knows if she will make it.
My friend J sent me some information about a place in Tucson where he went it was healing for him and I plan to get together with R and maybe J ,folks I went to John of God with, and some others to have some general discussions and maybe some brainstorming and have J talk about it.
This doing everything by myself is not an effective strategy.
A prayer I sent to the Prima Amiga:
May you feel the gentleness of your soul when you are in deep meditation ,may it be  as if a voice is reminding you to be loving with yourself.  May the feeling that have in hearing that voice be kind and thoughtful ,sympathetic and strong, wise and joyful , serious and frivolous , courages and forgiving and above all loving.

Preparing for the next step

First time in weeks when I got up early and  because I could not sleep .

I am prepared for the day with the big event taking place at 9 am when I have a phone consult with Richard Lamm MD.  I have about twenty questions that I have prepared and wish him to review in dealing with provenge and the current numbers that I am  dealing with dealing with PSA. 

My cousin M will over hear the conversation either on conference call or another phone. Take some notes and give me some feedback about what was said. 

I have another appointment tomorrow with my Internist  to help me with some other decisions clear up any questions from today and think about a naturopatic approach using Bloodroot.

Emailed G and asked her if she  could free some time to go to Lamm's office Feb 22 with me . Another set of eyes and ears, S offered to but she is more a last resort . It is not fair to her because for many reasons.

M leaves this afternoon and I will be on my own again.

Did a nurture positive meditation this morning, my separation from Prima Amiga is a good way for me to find myself even though it is damn painful at times.

 I am not asking for more;-)

I was praying MOnday night and I got to the place where I gave up and submitted my will to Maharaji ,CHrist ,love, being, god. The voice in my head was saying thy will be done and I meant it. Not my but thy . 

That is what is going on.

An open letter to SHinzen Young

Hi,
During your last retreat in LA you gave a lecture about the aesthetic qualities of mathematics. I sat enraptured by the talk and the following meditation.
When we retired from the chapel to meditated and observe, I went to my room and stood in front of a mirror and attempted a technique that I had not done for 30 years. As I looked into the mirror my physical countenance disappeared. It was an ability that I had acquired in an serendipitous way but after developing it as  an interesting phenomena, I was warned against pursuing it . I took the warning seriously and ceased .
Recently diagnosed with an advanced form of prostate cancer, I have had to face a number of choices that have various degrees gloom . The prognostication in the allopathic world is one of maintenance . I am pursuing these paths and have been using the skills that I have acquired in meditation to make  choices.
I had also be told by Ram Dass who I consulted at the beginning of my odyssey that the most important thing to do would be to follow my heart. That is a chief reason that I found myself as one of your students. I have followed my heart.
Recently I have become more cognizant of the situation I face and understand from my guru (Neem Karoli Baba) that I am already healed I just have to figure out how.
In a slow building towards realization I believe that remission, a word that has emerged quite prominently in various meditations that I had in LA is possible and achievable.
Since I have already done that which is generally considered impossible and I did it through the serendipitous guidance that I received from you I would like to pursue the process of using meditation to put the cancer into remission in hopes of not only doing for myself that but creating and path that others might walk to heal their own cancers by understanding that that which is considered impossible is possible and the limitations are in the mind.
Would you be willing to help in this process of  making remission a identifiable path that anyone could walk?
It certainly would make the process of dealing with the diagnosis  enjoyable and that is I believe is part of the method of achieving remission and even cure.
Would you please help?
Thank you ,

Watching

             Watched yesterday as I went through some of the tough parts of my psyche , had a good straight conversation with one of the members of US too the prostate cancer support group. He is a former ASU mathematics professor who helped me understand the statistics that I was looking at dealing with Provenge. It was encouraging since it brought forth a clear notion of what was not being measured by the statistics and what was left out of the study and how the study was potentially biased.
The questions around provenge are the statistical difference between the number of stroke victims in the control group and the study group.  Were the questions asked in such a way as to be unbiased, what were the statistics compared to a general category of people matching them to age and race and class backgrounds. 
How much influence did the Dendron company have in the publication of the results of this report. Did they pay for the study , the editing , the publication and how much influence did that have upon the results.
He also gave me an idea of where to obtain the raw material from the studies , Mayo in Scottsdale has a library that will give those results to anyone purportedly. You have to ask for the correct study and be definitive.
My friend also recommended that I talk to a local layman about the subject R is an authority on the subject and is very helpful.
We also discussed Snuffy Myers in Charlottesville and how he worked closely with my LA doctors. Something to consider more throughly.
We talked about Chemo , I told him of my objects and he said Hospice might give some help but since we had explored that already and I had rejected the idea I remain very unconvinced.
After which my emotions were something in knots so had to pull them apart one by one. The fear  factor was there it expanded and contracted as I watched. Despair expanded and contracted sometimes expanding as fear contracting sometimes inharmony. Loneliness played a role. Each or all would get intense then break and go back into nothingness. THey came and went in waves. That was good for an hour of meditation. 
THis stuff feels like therapy in action. It is not like if I ignore it, it will go away.
Spent the rest of the evening doing a little cooking and talking to my cousin M. Am thinking about the will and found out from her husband R ,the judge, what to do to make a will.

Awoke this morning and did a nurture positive meditation. Thinking of something that inspires me and seeing hearing and feeling. It started by seeing Prima Amiga in my mind, then playing our song, in my head and within a minute or two  feeling a deep presence of love. I remembered a meditation that someone in which someone said realize how much love & care you have for this person , and recognize that they have the same for you . From there is was tears of bliss for an hour.

What's happening

Good morning not  a lot to say, doing a meditation, in which I have been watching the mind talk and feeling the reaction to that speech in the body. It grows in intensity reaches a peak recognition of the tightness of the body and is followed with relaxation . The mind stops and for a few moments there is peace, followed by a sleepiness and dropping of the eyelids , then a new recognition of that event and  tension in the body sets in ,opening the eyes  causing the mind to spew forth something or another until the tightness becomes intense whereupon that is recognized,and  relaxation begins the mind stops the eyelids droop  and this goes on for hours. 
It has something of a metronomic quality to it.
I am not sure that Prima Amiga's brother wants the merits of these meditations but he is getting them.
My cousin M is here but is not feeling well so we did not do anything much yesterday, she is complaining of chills and stomach upset. I put her in the hot tub , that did away with the chills for awhile but she still has upset stomach. THought I would take her to the local acupuncturist to see if that would help.
We are talking about Provenge , meditation and wills,
One thing that  is important is that the two of you begin to talk a little more  since she has the power of medical attorney and you will be seeing what is going on it is important for her that she has a feeling of how you observe.
THe house continues to be cleaned gave K( the yoga teacher) all of my metal plant stands and grow boxes, her son may take the railroad ties.
I see the full moon a lot and we are together at that moment for me.
Skyped with J yesterday , he is enjoying the blessings of his life and I am glad to hear of them. WHen I know more about the medical stuff I will talk to him about it.

shinzen Young retreat in LA 1 and three quarters

Tuesday, January 4, 2011

           How do I make a decision?            That seems to be the big question for the day. I was told of a way that SHinzen has organized and observed thinking so that one can observe the factors of ones own decision making process and learn how to accentuate the aspects that lead to worthwhile decisions and observe the things that lead to poor decisions.

           How do I decide to do anything? When I first got the diagnosis I was possessed by fear but rather than succumb to its paralyzing effects I took action, some good, some bad, some indifferent.  Among the good actions I list; seeing Ram Dass in Maui, going to see Alan at the 4 immeasurables weekend, setting up a food source through Devil Spice Food, getting W to instruct me in setting up bookkeeping with the insurance and tax people in mind, and getting the prima Amiga involved in some of the decision making.

           The indifferent decisions were to follow the advise of the ex-wife in going to get reiki training and going to the naturopath. I have not followed up upon Reiki because while I have had some good experiences I have also not gotten the type of intellectual support that I find critical. The ex is very smart and follows the rules to the letter but does not have a creative bone in her body. So she just does what the protocol is and does it perfectly.  This is great in the profession that she followed that of pathologist, because who wants a pathologist whose mind wanders creatively while looking at a sample of their anatomy to check for cancer or not.  But Reiki requires a feel and for me naturopath requires a sense of interconnectedness with the patient.  The ex would not be aware of either one of those qualities. 

           I do not wish to cast aspirations upon the ex ‘s character it is the highest, nor her judgment which in her field is outstanding but when it comes to humanity the lack of connectedness is palpable. It is a feeling that when things get tough, you’re on your own.

 Perhaps I recognize this in her since it is a lacking that I of the feel in myself and perhaps it is why we were married for twenty-two years.

           I digress, the poor decisions were signing up for something with the gym that I did not use did not fully understand and failed to follow up on. It was a financial decision that I did not get good use of.  

I have undone the financially poor decisions, am contemplating how to deal with the indifferent ones.

           Over the year I made many decisions as to how to proceed. The general criteria that I have used are that of following my heart. But the question remains how am I making decisions. Not what are the decisions good or bad but what is the process that I go through to reach them?

Well got an answer, found that the associate of SHinzen has already thought through and publish a decision tree using the mindfulness process now I will have to apply it.

shinzen Young retreat in LA 5

Friday, January 7, 2011



           SHinzen live in a fascinating world and spending time with him is transformative in so many ways After the morning meditations in which I did a body awareness scan and got to the place where I was scanning and perhaps sleeping but I wonder if that is entirely true since I never felt that I lost my consciousness I was watching the mind explore the body albeit in a very dreamy way. I would call it hypnogogic awareness if anything. Anyway after an hour and a half of that I went to the lecture in which SHinzen talked of the aesthetic aspects of numbers and how the use of imaginary numbers, for instance the square root of a negative number, gave depth breadth and length in a dance like way to the limited feel of the number line.

           Then we went into the meditation on flow. Well in hypnogogic sleep, the time that is before deep sleep and is not awakened consciousness thoughts flow in very fluid manner, nothing has any holding spot and the mind makes free associations without hindrances of formal inductive or deductive reasoning. 

                The whole experience was dance reminding me of the meditations that I used to do with Swami Muktananda in the 70’s. After an hour of this type of meditation we had a break and I wandered over to my room and decided to experiment with the old siddhi of vanishing, looked into the bathroom mirror concentrated in the relaxed flowing way that I had been doing all morning and my image disappeared in the mirror.

           Went back for more after the break but Shinzen introduced another concept he wanted to have in our meditations and it was possible but way to difficult for me to incorporate everything else at the same time.

           Lunch did some computer work and then had some of the last of the food that I had brought. Planned pretty well should run out of food at the same time that the retreat ends I will be eating a lot of rice though.

shinzen Young retreat in LA 4

Thursday, January 6, 2011

           Though we are on a silent retreat there are times when there is interaction with SHinzen or teachings that are given. I continually remain impressed with the kindness, courage and determination of the people that I meet.  It puts what I am going through into perspective, not better not worse just different outwardly.

           The beauty of the way that each person deals with the challenges is breathtaking.   Compassion, clarity and wisdom I have observed in abundance. Listening to the erudition of some of the people is amazing. One of the participants gave an impromptu description of an ancient Israeli harp; TS Eliot’s The Four Quartets was the for me for last night unexpected. Using various methods meditation to go into nothingness and the forms of nothingness that rend different effects.

           Some of these methods open the heart that all things are an expression of love that flows like a great river carrying everything with it, other methods open the senses and take them beyond themselves. Leaving the mind clear and the conclusions obvious.

           I am filled with hope and love and can feel the expansiveness that goes with it and then I see something that reminds me of my own mortality, in this case some lab reports from October. Immediately I notice and contraction in the level of joy and happiness and well being. What makes being here so important is that the observation of those phenomena is exactly what we are talking about in the lectures. Nothing is inherently unstable and falls into opposites expansion wishes to continue into infinity and contractions wishes to continue into oblivion. To notice the change in direction of these is like watching the breath. If one could inhale forever it would not work likewise if one could exhale it would not work there must be both and so must it be in all things of duality. It is the point of being here to note the changes and live mindfully aware of the contraction and expansions of existence and with practice tune into the finer and finer changes that taking place.

           What a gift to be here.

They are going to do an all night meditation if I get up later I will go